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Holding on to hope…

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Some days I find myself longing for hope.

Life is heavy.  As I came before the Lord today I was invited to bring my fears, cares and worries to Him – lay them at His feet.  It felt like I was carrying a load of worries, frustrations and fear.  There are too many what-ifs to count but I dumped them at the feet of the One who knows.

My tears come quickly, I feel tender and weak.  I sat this morning across the table from the girls’ therapist and the tears sneaked their way out.  I felt silly.  I felt undone.  I felt messy.  I don’t cry pretty.

There seems to be so many things going on in and around me of which I have no control, merely hope of an outcome that meets my desires.  As much as I try to avoid pain, I even more try to keep others from experiencing pain.  I am number 3 of 4 children.  I love each of my siblings deeply.  I cannot even express the depths of that love.  So when I perceive that one is at risk of pain, it is almost unbearable for me.

When I was younger, I remember if my little brother was sick then I undoubtedly became sick with sympathy – it was probably mental.  But even now, if I hear that he is sick I feel it in myself.  It’s crazy.  We are twins born 14 months apart. 😉  I’m pretty sure I picked him out in the womb and told him to wait just a minute – he was up next.

This week has been hard for him (and his beautiful wife) as they faced [what seemed like] devastating news.  Immediately God provided people to speak truth and hope into their situation.  As I considered their pain I was overwhelmed, physically trembling and seeking the Lord.  As I prayed I was reminded of God’s promise in Jeremiah of a Hope & a Future.

Hope is defined as the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.     – I longed for hope.

I find myself longing for hope – hope for them, hope for my girls, hope for me… God give us hope.  There are many uncertainties in life and we are walking a path that is filled with them.  It’s hard sometimes to even know what to hope for.  As I have prayed hope into these situations my brother shared that I seem so strong and fragile at the same time.  He hopes my heart can handle this.  Well… I think he’s right on.  I feel fragile and the more I allow myself to feel, the more fragile I become, but shutting down and denying the pain that is around me is not fully living.  It is when I come to these places of weakness that I am better able to see God.  Show me your Glory; let your goodness pass before me, right before my eyes.

“In weakness I rise, remembering you hold my world.

I’m holding on to hope, I’m holding on to grace.

I’m fully letting go, I’m surrendered to your ways.

….  I will remember your promise forever…     – Anchor, Bethel Music & Leah Mari

I am given courage as I begin to reflect on God’s past faithfulness, his goodness and the hope that is to come.  My heart longs for life to be easy, calm and lovely – but it is a glorious mess.

I pray for hope. I pray for grace. I pray that in the midst of pain we see God.  As I hold our girls, I claim the promise of a hope and a future for them.  I believe God is writing a good story for them.   When I pray for my brother and the challenges he faces, I hold on to hope – knowing that God is bigger.  Sometimes our job is simply to hold hope for someone else.

Romans 4:18  Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed…  (21) fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.   (go read this chapter)

I have to believe God honors hope.  I plan to do a further study on this because God knows we need it 🙂  You friends, give me hope.  Thank you for standing in the gap – even when you don’t realize that’s what you are doing.

Hope stands renewed.

Love Does

The sound of heaven touching earth

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One Saturday afternoon while having lunch at Chick-fil-a, the twins bounced back and forth between playing in the play zone and taking tiny bites of chicken nuggets.  It probably took over an hour to get through a 4-count meal but we just went with the flow of the fun happening around us.  As I was packing up all three girls another mother stopped me and said she had been watching us and my girls are beautiful.  They are clean, calm and it just looks like you have it all together.  I smiled.  “Thank you.”

That moment absolutely fed every distortion I have about trying to tackle this role of motherhood.  She saw a glimpse of calm in what I consider to be madness.  She kindly offered her perspective based on a small point of time.  I could have stopped with my “thank you” but I felt the need to be more honest.  As she commented that she is the mother of three boys I understood why my crazy looked lovely.  I just looked at her and said, “girl, I go to bed exhausted every night, wondering how we made it through another day.”  Solidarity.  I shared my pain, I feel your pain. I’m no different than you are.

Let’s be honest, when someone acknowledges that all your hard work adds up to achieve your goal of “having it all together” it feels good.  But the truth is I was a mess.  I cannot guarantee the girls even had a bath the night before.  Cute clothes can cover a multitude of flaws.  I hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in months.  Our biggest hope was being in public without the girls using any special four letter words.  So when I heard that affirmation of “you’re doing well” I recognized it wasn’t what I was really after.

What it really touched in me was this desire to be seen, known and have someone in my boat.  I don’t want to be in a boat that looks like it has it all together when truth is my head is barely above water. I wanted her to know I can relate to the chaos of three littles and while boys are undoubtedly different than girls, this glimpse of togetherness she sees is not reality.  I am tired.  Sometimes I lose my patience.  Sometimes I cry because I cannot imagine how we are going to get through the night, much less the week, months or years.  Stranger, I want to hug your neck and say I see you, I feel your pain and I am right here with you.

I find myself more than ever longing for community, people that know me and love me even when I’m ugly.  This new stage in life has stirred that desire more as I am recognizing that I have greater needs – sometimes I just need help.  I don’t expect everyone to understand why we do what we do or how we got into this place but I do long for the people around me to support what we believe is our calling right now.  I gain such strength when you offer encouragement and support, knowing that you are praying for us and our girls.  It gives me hope and a sense of team.  Recently, I had a friend who cannot understand where we are coming from, question why we still have these girls.  The thought of this being somewhat open-ended shocked her and she was clearly not on our page of this story.  Honestly, it hurt me to have to defend why we are committed to these girls.  Feelings of being misunderstood and doubt plagued me.

Why am I doing this?

Later that evening I was catching a look at a music video I shared recently of Bethel Music’s It is Well.  The girls wanted to watch it too so I put it on the TV.  Immediately they were engulfed in the song, dancing and trying to sing along.  Sissy says she wants to learn to sing up there like her.  She wants her sister to be with her too.  She said that we (mom & dad) could sit in the chair.  “What chair do you want mommy?”  Baby girl, we will be on the front row!

As we sat and watched our girls singing, dancing and dreaming of being big, our hearts melted.  This is what it’s all about.  We are raising girls that will know love.  I dream of them growing to know the deep love of the father that is crafting their story, pursuing their hearts and longs for relationship.  I want them to experience worship and grow up to lead others to the throne of God.  I hear the sounds of heaven touching earth.

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We are in this for eternity; not for fun, not for extra credit but for a chance to impact eternity.  I can’t expect everyone to understand that, especially those that have no concept of the larger story.  All I can do is hope that in the midst of our craziness they see love – a love that is worth the pain, the chaos and the sacrifice.  And if it happens to look like we have it all together, then praise God 🙂

Love Does, My Story

Here I am!

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You know how you can have a goal, maybe something like writing at least one post a week?  Then life happens and you can’t even imagine how to put into words where you are.  Well, here I am –  right between 2014 and 2016 in a place of certain uncertainty, unanswerable questions and hope for grace.

We’ve started the new year, welcoming a fresh start and feeling a sense of settledness into this family of five.  I am beyond happy to say that we tend to be sleeping more nights than not.  What was once our biggest challenge has eased into a periodic inconvenience.  5 months. 5 sleepy months.

We are definitely in a place of the in-betweens.  In between what’s known and unknown.  In between a rock and a hard place.  Some days are a conscious choice to stay in this moment, focus on what has to be done right now and not worry about what might be.  Please pray for us.

I hope you know that there are many things we are not allowed to share for privacy / confidentiality reasons.  Many of you have asked if we are going to adopt… all I can say is… only God knows!  I will give a few thoughts on that question:

  1. We didn’t get into this with the intentions of adoption
  2. Fostering is almost always with a goal of reunification but as you are aware, cases can turn into adoption
  3. Just because children are in foster care does not mean they are up for adoption
  4. There are a lot of things that have to not go right before children are adopted into a foster family
  5. Hoping for adoption almost always means you have to hope that someone else fails
  6. Obviously, these girls have our hearts

This is our in-between.  It’s a fine line that has to be towed – not just by us but by all foster parents.  One person’s gain is another person’s loss.  Rarely is it just one person that loses.  Behind every child are parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles that wish for something more.  Yes, it might be their own choices that have brought about the outcome but that doesn’t make the hurt any less.   We live in a fallen world.  There will be pain.  My prayer is that in these cases adoption brings about a redemption of that pain and a restoration of what was lost.

So where are we?  We are earnestly praying for God’s wisdom in every decision we make and grace for any mistakes.  I naively thought I wouldn’t have to face a question of adoption but realize this is something that we have to consider at some point.  I think back to all the decisions we’ve made based on two people.  Our house is perfect for two people and maybe a couple of guests.  Add in 3 girls and we’re kind-of bursting at the seams.  We picked our home in proximity to fun, not in consideration of school zones, traffic patterns, playgrounds and room for helpers.  Our town is a dream for many but when you add in a bunch of kiddos there is a lot to be said for living in the same area as family.  It can almost be overwhelming to consider what might need to change if we were to pursue any type of permanency whether it’s this placement or the next…

In the midst of these moments, the questions, the uncertainty I recognize a change in my own heart.  I shift from being overwhelmed and thinking “this cannot be my life forever”  to thinking “I can’t imagine my life being different”.  Then there’s a deep gut-level knowing that I have very little control over this (if any at all).

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

Here I am.  Hoping, trusting and leaning on Jesus.  I can’t let myself hope for a certain outcome, just trust that His purposes are good. Sometimes as we are tempted to give in to hopelessness or anxiety, we are reminded that His heart is good towards us.  It’s easy to see how His heart is good for these children but sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we are His children too.  His heart is good towards me.

My job right now, in this moment, is to love with all that I have, offering life and rest to those that God brings into my life.  If I get caught up in the what-ifs then I lose focus on the right-now.  I have a chance to make sweet memories with three precious girls and one amazing husband.  I truly have no idea where this year may take us, how things will unfold or what may be asked of us.  But I know that if I lean on the cross, trust His faithfulness and walk in obedience then I’m going to be ok.

We invite you to pray with us.  We need to hear from the Lord.  Selfishly, we would like the story to unfold with as little drama as possible – so you can decide how you want to pray about that. 😉  Please pray for these girls, and the ones that have already passed through our home.  I pray over them words of hope, words of love and a promise for their future.  Jesus, give them a beautiful future.  We have practical needs too, we really need to find a primary care provider (preferably Pediatric) and have hit road blocks left and right.  We aren’t the only ones in a state of in-between.  There are many children that are in limbo.  Please pray that God will stir hearts to love and accept those around us.  And we have many other foster parents, even in our network, that are in the in-betweens of the foster and adoption callings – please pray for Grace, for protection and for wisdom on their behalf as well.

Love Does, My Story, Uncategorized

The soundtrack of my year

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I love the New Year.  The close of a year always brings about a time of reflection for me and anticipation of the fresh start for the coming one.  I’m not big on resolutions, I just like the feeling of opening a new chapter.

As I reflect on 2014 there are many things to celebrate but in the midst I also remember the pains of disappointment and growth that have occurred.  I’m not very old, but I think it’s safe to say this has been the hardest year of my life.  Not necessarily bad… just hard.  I know there will be losses in my future that will likely overshadow this year, but to this point 2014 takes the crown.

In the early part of the year I struggled with significant disappointment where I expected God to come through and meet my expectations, but He didn’t.  I don’t think He failed me in any way.  I was just forced to realize that my ways are not His ways yet that does not change His goodness.  I haven’t faced a lot of disappointment in my life so this was incredibly difficult for me to process, yet necessary for my own growth.  There were days when I couldn’t even talk.  My faith cup was so low that when true tests came I had nothing to draw from, just simply praying – please move.  and He did.

I feel like this year has been a sequence of songs.  I was first introduced to the song Oceans by Hillsong United in the spring.  My heart sang, take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.  This quickly turned into a greater realization that grace abounds in deepest waters.  More than once I felt like we had gone in over our heads.

As we jumped into our foster care journey I remember talking with Daniel about how challenging this could potentially be.  Boy did we underestimate that!  Initially we were just going to be licensed for short-term, respite care.  We felt like God was calling us to more, so we accepted a more permanent placement in April.  My heart was officially broken for the pain in this world, what it is costing innocent children and the hopelessness of it all.  I have never seen God so clearly as how I have seen Him move on behalf of these children.  Friends, if you ever wonder where God is, get involved in orphan care.  He is moving.  The pain of our first placement brought me to a desperate place of trusting God like I never knew before.  For the first time I can recall we were making decisions that had huge implications and to avoid the pain would have been the easy way out.  God’s purposes were bigger and I can see from this side that His work in our lives had prepared us for that moment.  His heart for that child was always good and we were just a small part of her story.  As I grieved that loss the song It is Well from Bethel Music carried my heart through.  That CD was on constant replay, with that song repeated endlessly.  It didn’t always feel well, but as I proclaimed it I was able to see God’s faithfulness.

Then came the dream that changed everything.  We were on a break but got a call about twin girls needing a place immediately.  Everything about this situation was outside of my comfort zone and carefully constructed boundaries – but God had prepared us for more.  The song You Make Me Brave also from Bethel Music was instrumental in our Yes.  In the first few weeks of the twins’ arrival, I had this song on repeat as well… trying to grip that courage that is in my essence and be brave for these girls and myself.  Sinking was not an option.

In 2012 and 2013 we had a sense that we were in a season of “rest”.  If I had known what we were being prepared for I probably would have embraced it more 🙂  The past four months have been the most life giving, sleep deprived, grace-filled, baptism by fire, laughter infused, princess permeated, pink months of my life. Our hearts have been stretched to the size of three little girls.  I would have never imagined this being our life. ever. in a million years.  God is funny.

When I was younger, I planned to be an attorney, marry rich, make lots of money and have no kids.  {take a moment to laugh}  I am now happily married to someone in the military, work for a ministry (non-profit) and have 3 kids – that aren’t even mine.

The dictionary defines vulnerable as capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt.  I had a friend ask me recently if I feel like I’m naked on the internet when I share through blogs.  I really hadn’t even thought about it that way.  Really, I just feel honest.  We are in an incredibly vulnerable place.  As our days increase with these girls, our hearts become more knit and our potential for pain grows.  WE covet your prayers.  I don’t want to hold back, from you or them.  I want you to hear our story.  I want you to walk with us because we cannot do this alone.  I want these girls to know a love that’s deep and not reserved just because of potential pain.  As I consider what this next year could bring, I admit there is a bit of fear.  I cannot control this story; I can only trust the one who is writing it.  Deep down I have to believe that the joy of love will be greater than the pain of loss.

Yesterday as the twins joined us in the worship part of our service Prissy stood with hands raised as we sang the verse “I’m gonna lift my hands, til I can reach Heaven.”  I smiled as I dream of her leading worship for the next generation.  I can dream for her.  I might not always be a part of their lives but I can dream that this season will be instrumental in who they become.  I pray for their future, please join with me.  I am thrilled when I ask what they learned in their class and they say “Jesus!  Mommy, I learned Jesus!”  –  that’s all we can do.  Teach them Jesus.  And love.

Thanks for sticking around for this long-winded post.  I just wanted to recap our year and share some of my heart’s thoughts.  I might get something else out before the end of the year.   If not, as you close up 2014 and look into this coming year, please take time to celebrate the good, release the bad and invite God to write your story for what’s next.  It might be drastically different than what you expect things to look like… but sometimes that’s good.

Psalm 65:11   You crown the year with your bounty, and your carts overflow with abundance.

That’s a wrap!

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Photo credit to http://www.littlemisscreativestudio.com

 

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Christmas with Littles

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There’s just too much excitement around here.  I cannot take it!  I love Christmas and all the anticipation that comes with it.  I believed in Santa Claus forever…because as long as you believe, he comes!

Well, Santa Claus looks a little different to me this year as a “mom” and I think it is safe to say this side is even more fun. For weeks as we have asked the twins what they want for Christmas they just gave answers like “pink” or “purple” but nothing specific.  So imagine my excitement when they finally said they wanted watches.  Sure, that’s easy, I picked up 2 Dora the Explorer watches that I ran across in the store.  Check. Done!

Then… the girls had a chance to sit on Jolly Ol’ St. Nick’s lap just hours after my purchase.  Fortunately, I overheard him tell them he would be bringing them Hello Kitty watches for Christmas.  What!?!   But I just bought Dora!    I grumbled under my breath to Daniel that Santa Claus was messing me up.   Not to worry. Later that day when the girls were being less than obedient Daniel took the opportunity to tell them they were only being good-enough for Dora watches… not Hello Kitty ones.   🙂                               (just so you know, I did end up ordering some Hello Kitty ones for Santa’s sake)

Another lesson I’ve learned is that presents do not belong under the tree.  Putting carefully wrapped presents under a tree is torture for 3 yr olds and you will not win the battle for self control.  Screams of excitement filled the house upon their discovery of 3 little presents carefully tied together, set aside for Christmas Eve.  It took about 45 seconds for them to convince themselves it was ok to go ahead and unwrap them.  I think the 45 second delay was only because they were all tied together.  Needless to say, there is nothing waiting under our tree.

Then, you have the element of surprise.  Three year olds can’t understand the element of surprise.  They have no secrets.  When Daniel showed them what he was giving me for Christmas, one at a time they each came to me and said “mommy, it’s a purse, Daddy said don’t tell.”    Well done girls. Well done.

Last night we took them to pick out presents for their mommy & daddy for today’s visits.  When they woke up this morning and saw the presents wrapped they were again filled with excitement and wanted to open them.  I reminded them that these were what they are giving their mom & dad… remember???   Oh yeah, but can we see what’s in them?   Then I reminded them what they had picked out but told them it is supposed to be a surprise, so don’t tell your mom and dad.   Prissy says, “just like your purse is a surprise?  We do not tell, it is a surprise.”  Yes girlie, exactly like that.  I can see we’re getting somewhere.  😉

Just one more week!   The anticipation is killing us!

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Questions from a 3 year old – and other funny things

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I know I do a lot of complaining about how hard life is these days… so I wanted to share some funnier moments from our adventures into parenthood.

Part of the joy in loving these three girls is getting to see all the ways they are growing and experiencing these moments together.  As Christmas approached I realized we have a special opportunity to share with them the real reason for the season.  So of course, we got a cute little nativity scene to help tell this story – and Veggie Tales because they speak “kid” better than this mama.  The girls have loved playing with the manger scene and naming the people in the story.  However, I wasn’t quite prepared for breakfast Sunday morning.

Saturday night my parents took the girlies to see Christmas lights and a drive through Bethlehem’s “Greatest Story Every Told” living nativity.  What they didn’t know was that the greatest story ever told included the crucifixion.   My mom warned me that the night had not gone quite as expected and ended up a bit traumatic.   I thought she was probably being overly sensitive until I got the scoop from Prissy at breakfast the next morning.

“Mommy!  They killed Baby Jesus!”

Yep, that’s what she remembered from the whole night.  Not the live donkeys, live sheep… just that somebody killed baby Jesus.

So later that day, when they were observing Nana’s fancy nativity scene and noticed that Baby Jesus was missing, they were frantic to find him.  Somebody killed baby Jesus!

Now, I’m looking for a new Veggie-Tales to help me out.  If anyone has suggestions on how to tell the Easter story, now’s the time to send them my way 🙂

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Another funny thing.  As foster parents we get stuck in a lot of awkward situations.  It’s not anyone’s fault, it just happens casually as strangers with good intentions say things that you just can’t answer.

Like, did you carry them full term?  Well, not really… they kinda just showed up this way.

Or, which one is older?  Umm…this one, I think.  Really, by how many minutes?  Yeah, I don’t really know, I was just guessing.

Or – are they fraternal or identical?  Hmm…they look identical to me.  Can you tell them apart?

(this is not meant to single anyone out, we just laugh at ourselves)

Just the other night, Daddy put the girls in the wrong beds 🙂  It happens to the best of us!  When one girl woke up in the middle of the night distressed about being in the wrong bed, I asked him what happened.  “I don’t know.  When they’re both being nice to me I can’t tell them apart!”

Life really is funny.  We’re having loads of fun in between our sleepless nights.  These girls are treasures and I love our time with them.  If you ever want to laugh, just come hang out with us!

Remember that time I said I wasn’t having kids?   Yeah, that was funny too.

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The Yes that Changed it All

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In the spirit of Christmas, I’ve taken some time to reflect on the incarnation of Christ and the courage of one couple to say “yes” and change the world.

The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored!  The Lord is with you.”  Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be.  Luke 1:28-29

I can relate.  I’m pretty sure if an angel appeared before me with greetings I would be a little frightened.

But the angel said to her, Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God.  You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High.  The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”   Luke 1:30-33

Yeah, that sounds pretty cool.

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered.  “May your word to me be fulfilled.”  Then the angel left her.  Luke 1:38

And this is where I stand amazed.

You see, Mary did ask a question in between these verses.  She said, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?”  That seems like a logical question.  The angel explains that the Holy Spirit will come upon her and she will carry the Son of God.  And then Mary says, “I am your servant, may your word be fulfilled.”

Courage.  This girl had courage.  She didn’t sit there and argue with the angel about all her plans, her hopes and her dreams… she simply said, Let it Be; or in other words, Yes.  There are so many things between the angel and the throne that she could have questioned.  Had she known there would be the cross, the pain, the rejection – would her response still have been yes?  I am in awe of this woman.

So often I find myself questioning God and this call on our lives.  Our current placement was birthed in a dream.  I consistently go back and want to ask God for more, a better picture of how this is going to play out, what to expect and mostly – will there be pain?  But I am given courage by the words of Mary whose response was simply, “may your word to me be fulfilled.”

Sure, an invitation to be the mother of God’s Son is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I’ll give her that – but imagine what risks she took in saying yes.  She risked her marriage – what if Joseph didn’t believe her?  She risked her reputation – how would anyone believe this baby came from the Holy Spirit?  She risked her family – these kinds of things were greatly frowned upon in those days.  She.risked.everything.   Yet, she said Yes.  And through her obedience and the obedience of Joseph came my salvation and the savior of the world.  Thank you Mary.  Thank you for your Yes.

God could have done this in a different way; but he chose this couple for their unique part in His Larger Love Story.  It wasn’t all glory and fame.  There was pain.  I mean, can you imagine raising Jesus?  Or being Jesus’ brother or sister.  No pressure guys.

Now, I’m not Mary and I’m no saint.  But 18 weeks ago I gave somewhat of a “yes” to a call that was way out of my league.  As I look at these three little angel faces I can’t help but wonder –  will you change the world?  I don’t know all the details between the dream and the end… all I know is that I have been called to love, unconditionally.

We half-way expected our girls to be going home by now.  We had been prepared to say good-bye before Christmas.  But the world is a fallen place and things have changed once again.  We are now planning to be a safe-place longer than we were expecting and we continue to trust God for His purposes.

In October, God reminded me of the verses in Isaiah, here it is in the Message:

“I don’t think the way you think.  The way you work isn’t the way I work.”  God’s decree. “For as the sky soars high above the earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.  Just as rain and snow descend from the skies and don’t go back until they’ve watered the earth, doing their work of making things grow and blossom, producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry, So will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed.  They’ll do the work I sent them to do, they’ll complete the assignment I gave them.  So you’ll go out in joy, you’ll be led into a whole complete life.  The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song.  All the trees of the forest will join the procession, exuberant with applause.  No more thistles, but giant sequoias, no more thornbushes, but stately pines –  Monuments to me, to God, living and lasting evidence of God.”  Isaiah 55:8-13

Our prayer has been that God’s purposes will be accomplished in this situation, realizing that we don’t know what that means.  It may be a bigger calling than we first thought.  It might be smaller.  All I know is our heart’s desire is to say “yes” even when I can’t answer the questions of “how will this be”?

Friends, I cannot express how grateful I am for your love, your prayers and your support.  Even as you watch our girls wander around the church, disrupting life and laughing at themselves, you have loved us well.  We are honored to be loving them but grateful that you have chosen to walk with us.  Please pray for continued wisdom and protection.  And as you reflect on your own story, consider what God may be calling you into that seems too big… what would it look like to say ” I am your servant, may your word to me be fulfilled.”

Who knows?  You just might change the world.

Love Does

Sweet 16

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16 weeks.  That’s how far we’ve made it.  16 funny, adventurous, some even painful weeks.  Thank you for walking with us.

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

  1. If you feed them, they will poop. Possibly even simultaneously.  I’m convinced that is a super power used against me.
  2. Babies are the best cuddlers.
  3. Sugar, yeah, that has immediate effects. {I apologize to all parents of children I previously gave candy, soda, coffee, or any type of stimulant to in the past.}
  4. Syrup at Waffle House?  See #3.  It’s just sugar.
  5. Sleep is a luxury.  Don’t count on it.
  6. 3 year olds have their own reality and it makes no sense at all.  Crying requires no reason.  If you try to figure it out your head might explode.  Just give them a jelly bean.
  7. My husband is a master at dodging diapers.  He hasn’t changed one yet.  His time will come.
  8. Mommy-shame / guilt –  that’s a choice.  You gotta let it go.  Survival is the goal, ain’t no shame in that.
  9. It takes a lot of work to get out the door.  It used to only be opening it… now it is so much more.
  10. Just teach them Jesus.  The rest will work itself out.  (wise words from another mother)

In all seriousness, the past few months have been baptism by fire but I think we’re finally getting the hang of it.  I have the utmost respect for all mothers out there – dads too!  I have seen my sweet husband step up in ways I never expected of him.  But as I’ve said before, he has a weakness for brown-eyed-girls.

Please pray with us.  Please pray for us.  In the next 10 days we have some major decisions happening and we are trusting God for His purposes in the lives of these girls and our own.  Please pray for wisdom for those making decisions and safety for all involved.

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Uncategorized

But for Grace…

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My heart is tender this week.  Seasons are changing and I can’t help but acknowledge the array of feelings.  Gratitude. Thankfulness. Tenderness. Sadness. Where do I begin?

Grace. Each feeling comes down to grace.  As I’ve thought recently about the upcoming month, the holidays and the excitement that surrounds 3 little girls I am pointed back to God’s grace in my life. You see, when I consider God’s grace and faithfulness, I am filled with gratitude and thanksgiving.  At the same time, I am tender and saddened for our girls’ birth mother.  I’ve seen a lot of foster / adoptive moms write about birth mothers recognizing that in so many ways, “they’re just like me”.  But this week I’ve realized in so many ways, we are just different.

Dear birth mother, I am in no way better than you, but in many ways different.  In the beginning, I’ll be honest, I resented you.  After all, this calling has been costly and many times I have resented that your choices have cost your children greatly. I resented that at times it feels like I am also paying for your mistakes.  But I have asked God to help me see you through eyes of grace – and now my heart hurts for you.

Your sin is no greater than my own, in this way we are the same.  The consequences may be different, but we are both sinners in need of grace.  I have no idea what it is like to struggle with addiction – I can’t begin to relate – but I can imagine that it is painfully hard and often hopeless.  I have to believe that your heart is broken by what this has cost you.

As I look forward to Christmas with three giggling girls, baby’s first birthday and her soon-to-be first steps there is this ever-present feeling that this isn’t my right.  You are somewhere, wishing this were you.  I feel the weight of that. I hurt for you.  You carried these girls.  You bore the pain of birth.  They carry your image, your personality and a love for you I can never know.

I promise to honor you, even when it is hard.  I promise to let your girls talk of you with their own fondness and memories.  And I promise to always seek to offer grace.

I look back on my life and wonder what made me who I am today.  It still comes down to grace.  It’s by God’s grace that I have the family I have, the opportunities I had and the life that I enjoy.  Her story could just as easily have been mine but I had parents that fought for me, loved me unconditionally, sacrificed for me and gave me every opportunity for success.  I met my Savior at a young age.  I can’t help but wonder if she ever had the same… what is her story?  Has she seen God’s grace?

It is often tempting to judge in these situations and many like these. But friends, we cannot understand the struggle others face.  I pray you are able to offer grace to those around you and never take for granted the grace that has been poured out on your own life.   As we celebrate Thanksgiving and enter into the season of Christmas do not lose sight of the gift of grace, the sacrifice of love and the hope of glory.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, the saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.

Love Does

The $#@^ has hit the fan!

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Pardon my French 😉

Earlier this week I wrote a deep, reflective piece of how God has graciously revealed blind spots in my life.  It was wrought out of about 5 days of really being honest with where I am in this process.  Click here to read the post on My Broken Pieces.

Then… as if my pain was not enough… it’s as if I was missing the “cherry on top” – along came Thursday…

Much of my childhood I recall being sick.  I would catch anything that was going around and my own anxiety created more than my fair share of tummy-aches.  As an adult, I have enjoyed a healthier life but take germs seriously.  We all know that children tend to be little germ sponges.   Children in daycare… that is a whole other level.  Because I am a praying woman, my prayers often go like this… dear Jesus, thank you for bringing this precious child into our home…please let us get through this whole placement without getting sick.  deal?  amen.

Deal or no deal?  …no deal.

Wednesday night bedtime was a bit more whiny than usual.  Daniel looked at me puzzled – like I would know the cause?  Around 1:30am, baby girl woke up… she wasn’t acting like her normal self that sleeps soundly through the night.  She just wanted to be held.  So I did.  And I held her almost all night long as she slept on my chest.  Then… I put her back in her crib around 4:45 because I heard Sissy calling my name from the other room.  So I went in to comfort and assure her it was too early to get out of bed….when it happened…she said…look, I spit up right here.  Oh No… say it isn’t so… is that what I think it is… please No!   It’s all in her long beautiful hair, on her beautiful little face and pajamas.  As I began to clean her up (holding my breath), Prissy wakes up and asks what’s wrong with Sissy.  I told her not to worry, she just spit up a little bit.  Prissy said, oh then you need to change my sheets too… I spit up over here.    As she sat up and revealed the mess that she had quietly slept in… I was devastated.  And then it started… I walked slowly out of the room into our bathroom where Daniel was getting ready… with the look of death on my face I said… I know what’s wrong with our girls.  What?  The stomach virus is here.  You have to come help clean this up.

DearJesusHelpMeLord!

As I tried to hold the bucket for Prissy, my own personal weakness set in, I yelled for back-up as I ran to the nearest bathroom –  where I found Sissy trying to get her dirty pajamas off and I immediately began gagging over the toilet.  So picture this… one twin in the bed letting it all out, one twin in the bathroom trying to get out of it and one mama that’s losing her (well, you know).   Sissy is telling me she needs to poop… right now… I’m begging her to give me ONE minute so I can stop gagging… Daniel is assisting Prissy as she’s unloading dinner and Baby girl is in her crib screaming.

This is what Christmas cards are made of.  These moments.

Otoilet

So, I did what any responsible mother of three would do in this moment.  I called my mom.  She just so happens to be staying a mile away in a condo for the month of November.  There is a God!

24 hours later and we’re back on our feet.  The house is disinfected and life is returning.  I just have to laugh at my life these days.  All the protective strategies I’ve built to avoid situations like these and I walk right into it.

I have to flash back to May where I built this list of…

Things they don’t teach you in licensing class:

1. You need a hazmat suit…or two. Because when children vomit it’s a lot like a murder scene.
2. White bedding – ain’t no one got time for that.
3. All those pretty pillows? Targets for projectile.
4. Carpet? Rip it out.
5. Consider putting a drain in the center of the room so hosing it down is an option.
6. Teddy bears…. innocent victims. We had three go down.
7. That smell… there’s no cure. It will stay with you for years I fear.
Please.send.help. pray for us people! ‪#‎mynightmare‬

Anyway, we are survivors.  Thanks for joining in my momentary suffering. 😉    #lovedoes

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