Love Does, Uncategorized

Creation groans… waiting stinks

In the process, in the waiting,
You’re making melodies over me.
And your presence is the promise,
For I am a pilgrim on a journey.
– Bethel Music –

Life isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey.

Find peace in the process.

Let me find one-more-quote on waiting. 

I don’t like to wait. Once I make my mind up about something, I want it then. Or yesterday.

But here I am.  Stuck somewhere between the yes and amen.  Our case worker nonchalantly told me “we’re kind of at a stand-still”.  Well friend, I don’t like to stand-still. Let’s get this thing moving.  I have places to go, people to see, stories to tell and by-Jesus a party needs to happen.   Where’s my oil!?!  Give me some stress-away or joy… something to calm this girl down.

I started out strong. I have been in a place of rest, trusting, just like I’m supposed to.  After one week I started to think, Ok… I’m ready for answers.  But they never came.

Week two, a little bit harder, but still fairly strong.  Pressing into God a little more.  Using oil a little more.  Let’s take it one day at a time.

Week three… I’m starting to crack.  My oil is leaking. I snapped at my husband because he woke the baby.  The struggle is real. I want some closure. I want to know where we’re going and how fast we can get there.  I want what I want when I want it.

I want… But Jesus says wait.    I feel my 3-year-old-tantrum-throwing-self stomping my feet.

I prayed the other night, wondering if I had done all I could do.  Jesus, did I pray enough?  Have I believed enough?  Have I held hope hard enough?  Are you trying to correct me for something I don’t see?  Why isn’t anything happening?

I simply sensed the Lord saying “my goodness does not depend on your goodness.”

That’s pretty humbling.  Not only humbling but relieving.  God knows my heart, he knows my desires, he knows my good and my bad… those things do not change that he is inherently good and will be good to me.

Two days ago as I brought my struggle to the Lord again.  Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief.  The scripture I’ve been studying in Isaiah had new meaning.

Do not be afraid, I am here.  Do not lose heart. I am still God.
I will strengthen you and help you. …

Do not lose heart.  Do not give up.  Do not get weary.  My strength is yours.  I have what you need. I will help you.   It’s like a pep-talk.  I’m reminded of his presence, his promise and his faithfulness.

So we stay in this place of uncertainty, clinging to the words of the Father, trusting his goodness and hoping for forever.  There’s obviously something God is after in this process.  I have to believe it is purposeful.

As you remember us, please pray for peace.  The place of lingering is unsettling for the girls.  They cannot comprehend the big picture or reconcile the push-pull of emotions as things are in the between.  Pray for wisdom for those making decisions.  Pray for favor and protection.

I know we’ll get through the waiting.  And I hear the echo of a little 3-year-old girl saying “I’m so proud of you mommy.  You get a jelly bean.”  Maybe, just maybe, I will hear the voice of the Father that says, well done. you waited well … enough. 🙂




What’s so good about Friday?

easter basket

What’s so great about Friday?

Today is Good Friday.  It seems paradoxical that it’s called good when it must have been such a sad day.  I can see Sunday being good, but Friday?  I would probably have had a different word for that day.

Suffering, crucifixion, death – these are not words I associate with good.  Honestly, I have a hard time even reflecting on this.  As I was trying to share with the girls the story of Easter I felt myself wanting to jump past the reality of Friday, the ugly parts of pain.  I don’t want to explain death on a cross –  but without the death, how can there be resurrection?  There is no sugar coating this story.  In order to celebrate the power of resurrection we must embrace the pain of death.  No amount of peeps, sweet tarts or chocolate bunnies can cover up the pain of the cross – the weight that he carried for me.

I called Daniel.  I said, “we should probably go to all three services this Sunday and hope by the end the girls understand the Easter story.”  I just can’t tell them.

It was a mess that went something like this…

hey girls, do you know what today is?  It’s Good Friday.  Do you know why it’s Good Friday?   –  me

because we get to hide easter eggs?  –  girl

No, that’s not it.  Remember Jesus?  A long time ago {hediedonacrossbutdon’tworry} on Sunday he rose from the grave!   –  me

And the Easter Bunny came?   –  girl

Oh dear.  I failed.  I had never considered how to share the Easter story to children.  It wasn’t in my life plan. But it is now.

I have realized that I’ve spent much of my life celebrating the resurrection but skipping over the pain.  I’ve never watched the Passion of the Christ for this very reason.  To feel the weight of that pain, to see the picture of my sin carried on that cross, to imagine the hopelessness of those around him, not knowing Sunday was coming – I can’t even imagine.

To fully appreciate resurrection, life and glory we must fully experience the suffering, crucifixion and death.

Next week marks one year since we received our first placement.  One year since we embarked on probably the most painful year to date of my story.  I know my own pain pales in comparison to his.  But had we not walked through the pains of this year, the pain of our girls’ stories, the pain happening all around us, I don’t think I could fully appreciate the hope of the redemption to come.

If you had just given me three girls age three and under to keep forever, I couldn’t have appreciated it.  As a matter of fact, I would have probably been resentful.   But to have walked through this journey, growing from despair to hope, fighting for them and pouring everything I have into their lives, that changes everything.

This week has been filled with appointments, interviews, testimonies and its share of drama.  As we went to pick up the girls at the end of one day I couldn’t help but recognize how surreal this was.  I told Daniel, “they have no idea what has taken place today on their behalf – how many people have shown up to fight for them and their future.  To them it has just been another day.”    As I considered this I was simply struck by the realization of this on a spiritual level as well.  I can imagine the Trinity watching me and saying “she has no idea what has taken place today on her behalf.”

As things relate to the girls, we’re in a place of waiting.  Waiting on answers, waiting for promises to be fulfilled, waiting for redemption to their story.  We rest in knowing that God is faithful and good.  We are grateful for your prayers that carried us through the days.  We have truly seen God move in stunning ways and I have to believe he isn’t finished.

As for the cross… I’m humbled as I stand on this side of the story, celebrating resurrection and challenged to recognize the pain that was experienced for my sake.  I choose to reflect on what has taken place on my behalf, the sacrifice made, the weight of every curse upon him.  I’m forever grateful.