I wrote parts of this two weeks ago as we were just getting used to the addition of Baby Girl to our little family. We had prepared as much as we knew how but as you can imagine, you can’t be ready for everything. We had significant challenges with the twins regressing behaviorally once the baby arrived. I’m not sure why – because they really wanted her to move in. I was in no way prepared for them to act-out the way they did that first weekend. Friday evening, I was ready to give up, cry, give everyone back and declare defeat. After a little bit of sleep and little bit of structure, I started to come out of the pit of despair and believe God might still be here.
That Sunday morning I took the big girls to church and it was truly a divine appointment for me to be refilled. As I entered into worship and allowed the Lord to minister to my weary heart I realized that these are but light and momentary trials. Yes, I would love to sleep 9-10 hours a night, but losing a couple of those hours is not going to kill me. Yes, I would love relief from the bed-time battles we are currently enduring, but that is nothing compared to the suffering Christ went through for me… to be called a daughter of the King. It’s all a matter of perspective!
In two songs the lines, “I need you” or “you are all I need” were repeated and I realized, He is more than enough. I don’t have all the grace, love or energy to make it through this calling but God is all I need. It was somehow freeing to recognize that my “suffering” is small in comparison and to know that God can work through me. I can honestly say, I don’t have what it takes to raise three little girls. I am painfully aware of my fallenness. But, for some reason, God has chosen me for this chapter of their lives and if I stop trying to do everything in my own strength and give Him a chance to work, then we just might make it. It might not be as pretty as I want, but suffering, crucifixion and death is not always pretty.
In my Battle Prep this morning I reflected on the passion of Jesus.
His great love for the Father and His great love for you carried Him through His suffering all the way to the cross.
He went to the cross so that I might become the woman He created me to be, a woman who knows Him and reveals and represents Him now and forever. What depths of love.
What does revealing Him look like? Sometimes it looks like laughing at the silliness of little girls. Sometimes it looks like wiping away the tears when they cry for their mommy. Or holding them as they face the fears of the night. Or singing of His love over them. We are in a battle; but through the cross I can be confident of the victory.
I am deeply grateful for everyone’s love and support. I have truly felt the fellowship propel me into my part of this story. I am thrilled to say that we are reaching a rhythm and things seem to be settling down. I see hope. I feel the prayers of many on our behalf. I am loved by the Father and I see his love for these girls. And in this moment…. I’m not giving up.