How did she know? How did she know we had been preparing our hearts and home for twins? How did she know to push our boundaries? We were licensed for one child between the ages of 5 and 10. Nothing about this call fit our box. How did she know there was a yes waiting at the other end?
Everything about the timing was wrong. Everything about the situation was outside of my comfort. Everything in me would normally say “no” but God in His incredible mercy came before us. It was a dream. It was the obedience of one girl to be bold enough to share. It was the perfect set-up for this phone-call. In the midst of all the fear, in the midst of all the plans, in the midst of all the uncertainties there was a little bit of courage that creeped up and said yes.
I’m no Joshua, I’m no Moses, I’m no saint. But I am a girl that longs to be the woman God created me to be and when that means walking into the scariest thing I had faced to that point, I had to muster up every bit of courage hidden in my heart and say, I choose you. If you say this is what you have for us, I’m gonna have to believe you’re with us.
Let me tell you, knowing that you are walking in obedience to the call of God gives you a whole lot of confidence in the raging storms. There were countless times over the past year where it would have been easy to give up, but when you can look back and know that this is what God has called you to for this very moment, there is a peace that passes understanding.
I remember in October, sitting in my living room across from the girls’ therapist with tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t hold anything in. This is so hard. I am exhausted. My life looks completely different. We are absolutely controlled by bed-time. We can’t even go out to dinner, much less have any sort of normal life. Everything revolves around these girls! She kindly looked and me and said “this is parenting”. And before I could even catch the words, they rolled right out of my mouth, but I never wanted to be a parent!
There. I said it. Half-way owning it; half-way embarrassed; all the way wondering if she was going to call someone to take these kids away from me. But she didn’t. She simply smiled and said, “Abby, you’re going to have to grieve some of these losses.”
It really made perfect sense. I was being torn apart by remembering how easy, convenient and care-free our life as a childless couple had been… all while wading through how difficult it was to keep 3 little girls alive and trying to gain some sense of normal. I had to grieve and let it go.
For a while I stood on that tight rope of my old life still feeling within reach and my new life being so hard but trying to embrace it out of obedience. I simply could not move forward until I let the old go. So I grieved, I cried, I let go of all those selfish feelings and surrendered to the new life God had invited us in to.
Then, one day in November, we woke up in the darkness of morning to the madness of a stomach virus. [See my best post ever for more on that memory] I remember thinking, I just earned Mother’s Day, once we survived that hell.
Recently, I revisited a video that a friend, father of four had shared back when our life was on the easy street. This is perfect. The funniest thing about it is that I can so clearly relate to both sides. You really have to watch this…
That is absolutely my life now. And all we can do is laugh about it. 🙂
When I look back on this past year I am honestly in awe of what God is doing in my life, in our girls’ lives and the story He is writing. I met my husband in the fourth grade. We dated in highschool and reconnected in our college years, married when we were too young. I love our story.
But friends, this story right here, this one takes my breath away.
Oh man, how I hope and pray for a happy ending. As we close the chapter on year 1, we celebrated with little gifts for the girls, necklaces with the letters L.O.V.E. That’s the bottom line of our story. Everything else is built on this one thing, Love.
To wrap up birthday and anniversary week we’re taking our little party of five camping. Because, what better way to celebrate love than squeezing into small quarters and pretending you’re homeless?
Pray for me friends!