I am sitting here laughing at myself. This is drastically different than one hour ago when I was crying for myself. Sitting in my car, outside of Panera Bread ugly crying and trying to talk through the cries with my mom on the other end of the phone. I am the definition of a hot mess.
On Saturday I made some suave move that resulted in pinching something in my lower back that rendered me incapacitated for 2 days. Two days I tell you! I could not stand straight, I could not lay straight, I could not bend over, I could not lift Baby Girl…I was broken. And of course, this happened on a Saturday and my chiropractor is so wise that he hasn’t given me his cell-phone number or home address because trust me… I would have abused that information if I had it.
I woke up this morning with continued pain, an hour early after a full night’s sleep, blissfully aware that I could get my “fix” and move into a peaceful day of prayer, find Jesus and live happily ever after.
I’ll spare you the ugly details but hell happened and I was attacked by a 4-yr old. I wish I could spare my own ugliness, but then you wouldn’t know why I cry. As much as I tried to practice “loving my kids on purpose” offering choices and grace… I didn’t. That grace ran out fast and I fell into the spiral of the tantrum that left me wondering if I’m doing any better than the last people. {No children were hurt in the making of this story.} But I was undone.
We pulled it together, said our sorrys and gave make-up kisses. We will try again…. love will win. I went on to the chiropractor, broken and discouraged. As I laid on the table and he tried to make the needed adjustments my spine wouldn’t budge. Abby, you’re carrying a lot of stress… and it is going through your whole system. Really? I hadn’t noticed. What could I possibly be stressed about?
Geeze Louise! I’ve been looking for a house that can accommodate our growing family (no, I’m not pregnant) and trying to determine how in the world we will ever afford daycare for 3 kids, raising 3 kids and buying something in an area that costs more than I ever imagined. I’ve been crunching numbers, biting nails and breaking my back trying to bend over and figure this stuff out. Why would I possibly be stressed?
So I enter Panera Bread for a coffee date with Jesus. Tears still sneaking their way out of my eyes. I open my Bible and my study, read the words on the page and ask Jesus, what do you want to say to me right now? I am broken, I am discouraged and I am wondering what in the world you have to say about it.
My yoke is easy and my burden is light…
Well, that’s what he has to say about it. His yoke is easy, his burden is light; whatever I am carrying is not from him. This stress, this weight, this wondering is not from him. His promise is that he is faithful, he is good and he will not weigh me down.
So I go to one of my favorite passages of scripture, Exodus 33 and for the first time I realize, Moses is pretty much pitching a fit with God. Seriously, listen to this:
12-13 Moses said to God, “Look, you tell me, ‘Lead this people,’ but you don’t let me know whom you’re going to send with me. You tell me, ‘I know you well and you are special to me.’ If I am so special to you, let me in on your plans. That way, I will continue being special to you. Don’t forget, this is your people, your responsibility.” (MSG)
Oh my goodness… I’m pretty sure you could write my same story in the Bible. I sound just like that! “Listen, these are your kids God, what’s your plan? How in the world am I supposed to believe we’re all gonna survive this? I mean, I know I’m your favorite, but it sure doesn’t feel like it right now. Seriously God, I need to know how this works out.”
And that’s when I get to start laughing at my 30 something year old temper tantrum self. I see my story in the Bible… and I see what God has to say about it.
14 God said, “My presence will go with you. I’ll see the journey to the end.” (MSG)
If you don’t believe God still speaks, you probably need to exit this tour right now. Friends, God continually meets me. When I stop, settle my heart and invite him to show me his heart for me, ask him how he feels about me and what he’s up to… he.shows.up. Time and time again. And I can trust that he always will.
Now, he didn’t give quite the specifics I was looking for, like “go here, you will find a package of money taped under a bench and the person next to it will buy your house without you even cleaning it first”…. but he does say “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest….. you are special to me and I know you by name.”
That’s enough for me. Seriously, he’s always enough. It just takes me a minute to get there sometimes.
Oh yeah… and it’s national margarita day… if that doesn’t have my name all over it I don’t know what does. 🙂
storyofagirl 