Here I am!

You know how you can have a goal, maybe something like writing at least one post a week?  Then life happens and you can’t even imagine how to put into words where you are.  Well, here I am –  right between 2014 and 2016 in a place of certain uncertainty, unanswerable questions and hope for grace.

We’ve started the new year, welcoming a fresh start and feeling a sense of settledness into this family of five.  I am beyond happy to say that we tend to be sleeping more nights than not.  What was once our biggest challenge has eased into a periodic inconvenience.  5 months. 5 sleepy months.

We are definitely in a place of the in-betweens.  In between what’s known and unknown.  In between a rock and a hard place.  Some days are a conscious choice to stay in this moment, focus on what has to be done right now and not worry about what might be.  Please pray for us.

I hope you know that there are many things we are not allowed to share for privacy / confidentiality reasons.  Many of you have asked if we are going to adopt… all I can say is… only God knows!  I will give a few thoughts on that question:

1. We didn’t get into this with the intentions of adoption
2. Fostering is almost always with a goal of reunification but as you are aware, cases can turn into adoption
3. Just because children are in foster care does not mean they are up for adoption
4. There are a lot of things that have to not go right before children are adopted into a foster family
5. Hoping for adoption almost always means you have to hope that someone else fails
6. Obviously, these girls have our hearts

This is our in-between.  It’s a fine line that has to be towed – not just by us but by all foster parents.  One person’s gain is another person’s loss.  Rarely is it just one person that loses.  Behind every child are parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles that wish for something more.  Yes, it might be their own choices that have brought about the outcome but that doesn’t make the hurt any less.   We live in a fallen world.  There will be pain.  My prayer is that in these cases adoption brings about a redemption of that pain and a restoration of what was lost.

So where are we?  We are earnestly praying for God’s wisdom in every decision we make and grace for any mistakes.  I naively thought I wouldn’t have to face a question of adoption but realize this is something that we have to consider at some point.  I think back to all the decisions we’ve made based on two people.  Our house is perfect for two people and maybe a couple of guests.  Add in 3 girls and we’re kind-of bursting at the seams.  We picked our home in proximity to fun, not in consideration of school zones, traffic patterns, playgrounds and room for helpers.  Our town is a dream for many but when you add in a bunch of kiddos there is a lot to be said for living in the same area as family.  It can almost be overwhelming to consider what might need to change if we were to pursue any type of permanency whether it’s this placement or the next…

In the midst of these moments, the questions, the uncertainty I recognize a change in my own heart.  I shift from being overwhelmed and thinking “this cannot be my life forever”  to thinking “I can’t imagine my life being different”.  Then there’s a deep gut-level knowing that I have very little control over this (if any at all).

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

Here I am.  Hoping, trusting and leaning on Jesus.  I can’t let myself hope for a certain outcome, just trust that His purposes are good. Sometimes as we are tempted to give in to hopelessness or anxiety, we are reminded that His heart is good towards us.  It’s easy to see how His heart is good for these children but sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we are His children too.  His heart is good towards me.

My job right now, in this moment, is to love with all that I have, offering life and rest to those that God brings into my life.  If I get caught up in the what-ifs then I lose focus on the right-now.  I have a chance to make sweet memories with three precious girls and one amazing husband.  I truly have no idea where this year may take us, how things will unfold or what may be asked of us.  But I know that if I lean on the cross, trust His faithfulness and walk in obedience then I’m going to be ok.

We invite you to pray with us.  We need to hear from the Lord.  Selfishly, we would like the story to unfold with as little drama as possible – so you can decide how you want to pray about that. 😉  Please pray for these girls, and the ones that have already passed through our home.  I pray over them words of hope, words of love and a promise for their future.  Jesus, give them a beautiful future.  We have practical needs too, we really need to find a primary care provider (preferably Pediatric) and have hit road blocks left and right.  We aren’t the only ones in a state of in-between.  There are many children that are in limbo.  Please pray that God will stir hearts to love and accept those around us.  And we have many other foster parents, even in our network, that are in the in-betweens of the foster and adoption callings – please pray for Grace, for protection and for wisdom on their behalf as well.