“Abraham did not choose what the sacrifice would be. Always guard against self-chosen service for God. Self-sacrifice may be a disease that impairs your service. If God has made your cup sweet, drink it with grace; or even if He has made it bitter, drink it in communion with Him. If the providential will of God means a hard and difficult time for you, go through it. But never decide the place of your own martyrdom, as if to say, “I will only go there, but no farther.” – Oswald Chambers
A friend shared this recently and it pierced right to my heart. I was immediately convicted of my self-chosen sacrifice. A sacrifice that fit within my “box” of specifics that I could handle and still maintain a sense of control. But God has brought us into more.
The past two months have revealed deep lies I have believed and as life has touched these it has forced me to face whether I believe the lies or I believe the truth of who God says I am. In some ways, I feel like a mine-field… someone with even the best intentions could say something and trigger the pain of these lies and I am left picking up the pieces, repenting and trusting God for healing.
Who knew that saying yes to this placement would uncover such deep places in my own life? I feel certain things are being touched that would have never been revealed outside of the current situation. I have spent three months wondering why God chose me for these girls, when really I am now seeing that God chose these girls for me. There are places that He wanted to reveal, lies that need to be broken and pain that needs to be touched that never would have been uncovered had we not said yes.
This.is.painful. Some days I fail completely. Some days I am grumpy and I do not invite my domain into life, beauty and rest. Some days I am so focused on what it is costing me that I can’t see straight. And sometimes, someone tells me what it is costing them… and I am undone. And God brings me back to a place of seeing who He is, who He says I am and how He is graciously pursuing me to be all that He created me to be.
I can see now how my own limitations we set in our foster process were a sort of “self-chosen service” for God. Pretty much saying, yes God, we’ll serve but this is how far I am willing to go. Then God clearly called us into something more. Something that broke all the boundaries I had set. This is just as hard as I ever imagined – which is precisely why I had the boundaries I had. But God is after something much deeper in my life and it required a bigger obedience than I would have chosen. But He is gracious. I am tired of growing… but I can’t stop here. The growing pains are indeed a pain but I feel the comfort and love of those around me that are speaking truth, comforting and walking with me as I grow further into the woman God created me to be. (Even though it looks completely different than what I ever imagined.)
My heart is tender, but I feel loved, seen and cherished. I know God is up to big things in my life, my marriage and the lives of these girls. I am trusting that His heart is good and I am being made whole and a better representation of Him.