I felt it stirring… it started last week and had been building. I was sharing pieces of our story in different places, with different people yet the same awestruck reactions… he has literally moved heaven and earth to build what we now know as our family. It is overwhelming.
As I was sharing and in my own reflection I couldn’t help but realize the most significant thread in the entire story is His Pursuit.
Ours is a story of rescue, redemption, hope and dreams. It is stunning in each of its pieces, painful in the making, breathtaking in its entirety, humbling to be a part of and inspiring to watch unfold.
Then came Sunday – quiet, cold, a bit dreary and unassuming. I stepped into my favorite church, led in worship by my favorite leader, holding the hands of my sweet girls and one on my hip… the lights fell and he began to sing a song I had never heard before…
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it
I don’t deserve it
Still You give yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God**************************************
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
No lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
Nothing moves my heart like a song that cries the words I have lived. As the choir joined the song and he reached the bridge I could feel myself holding my breath. Then in all of creativity he begins singing He loves us, oh how he loves us, oh how he loves us…. oh how he loves.
I.am.undone. Tears streaming down my face, I can no longer sit. Heaven reached down, gently kissed this girl and I have been overwhelmed ever since.
Those words are the ones I sang over my sweet girls in moments of darkness, in the battle of the night when I couldn’t understand what they were fighting. I couldn’t fix the pain but I could proclaim, he loves us – oh how he loves us… and that has been a song we cling to – no matter what may come – we can rest in knowing his love.
I live with a constant awareness of God’s goodness in my life. I long to see his glory. I crave it more than coffee. My prayer for years has been, show me your glory… and he has. But there’s something about this week that has touched the deepest place in my heart, put to death lies I have believed and gently spoken the question I’ve asked my entire life – am I worth it?
It is easy for me to believe that my girls are worth every single thing God has done. On our adoption day, as we faced the judge and she asked why do you want to adopt these children, my undeniable response was because they are worth it – they are worth loving – they are worth fighting for – and they are worth protecting.
I have found that often what drives us comes from our own deep desires. I came from a wonderful home, raised by incredible parents, in a safe place with the best siblings a girl could ask for. Yet somehow, in my own brokeness, the enemy had woven a lie that I will never be enough, I don’t have what it takes and I’m not really worth keeping. I have lived striving to hear I’m worth it. Am I worth protecting? Am I worth rescuing? Am I worth investing in? Am I worth the risk of love?
I was overwhelmed with grattitude this week as I reflected on the work God has done in my life. Thanksgiving three years ago I was fresh into motherhood with 3 littles under 3 and faced with the question, would we consider adoption? I couldn’t breathe.
Two years ago at Thanksgiving my heart’s cry was for our adoption to finalize, for the uncertainty to disappear, for this chapter to end. Thankfulness was a choice, not a feeling.
Last year at Thanksgiving we were without a home, trying to create stability in a stressful season of building, trying to believe we would see his faithfulness in that step of our journey… longing to be settled. Thankfulness was hanging by a thread.
This year, I look back and cannot find the words to capture the depths of my thanksgiving. Over the past month I have had dreams that brought to the surface feelings I didn’t even know I carried and as I awoke one day with tears falling out from my closed eyes, I heard the Lord say, you are worth it. Every grace I have given to you has been worth it – not because of who you are but because of who I am. I have pursued you endlessly, poured out lavishly, loved unconditionally, sacrificed unreservedly and equipped you for the part I have given you.
He’s all about the pursuit. It’s a larger love story. That’s the gospel friends. He leaves no stone unturned, no mountain unmoved, no enemy unscathed. He uses grand gestures, gentle whispers, unending mercies and relentless love.
Today I sit, resting in the goodness and recognizing that I am not the same as I once was. I have much to be thankful for, much to be hopeful for and I choose to trust him for his faithful pursuit of the ones I love. No story is the same.
Sweet friend, take a moment this week, ask him to show you his love for you. Sometimes it comes in crazy unexpected ways… like 3 kids that bring you to the feet of Jesus, every.day. Maybe that’s what it took – something I could never do on my own, no way I could prove my worth – surrender to the path that led me to see his great love in ways I couldn’t see before.
If you have a minute, or ten, sit down and hear the song of my heart. It just might move you too.
With a thankful heart and much love to you… Happy Thanksgiving!
storyofagirl 