Author: abs1745

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Cracking up

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Oh, these girls.  They make us laugh, endlessly.  Brittany put it perfectly the other day:  Having a toddler is like having your own personal comedian.  We are fortunate enough to have two and a half.  It’s not all fun and games, but I thought I’d take a minute to give you a glimpse into our romantic comedy of life.

We’ve had a bit of trouble at daycare the past month or two.  The twins have asserted themselves and decided to take a stand against naptime.  These girls do not like to sleep.  We strategized with the teacher and administrator… nothing was working.  Pep talks and prayer on the way to school every morning… reminding them that even if you don’t go to sleep you need to stay on your cot quietly so all your friends can sleep.  “Yes Ma’am”.  Great, we’re in agreement.

Their teacher sends a note home every day letting me know if we succeeded or failed. Try again tomorrow.  But one day… the teacher told me that Little Miss Prissy said

“My mom didn’t pray for me to take a nap, so I don’t have to.”      –  fail

And another day, after I had highlighted the importance of staying on the cot –  you don’t have to sleep but you have to stay quiet, and you’ll get a treat.     So, how did that translate?

“My mom said I don’t have to sleep and I still get candy!”    –  fail again

After about 3 weeks we knew we weren’t getting anywhere.  Our strategy had to change. We met again and discussed the possibility of splitting them up.  Yep, I said it.  We will not be overcome by a pair of 3 year olds.  Divide and conquer.   We’re seeing small victories.

We are really trying to help the girls learn to regulate their emotions, make good choices, listen and obey, etc.  These can be very challenging for kids coming from hard places, so there’s a whole training on how to manage some of this.  But something we do is reward positive behavior and good choices and at all costs seek to avoid shaming bad choices or behavior.  Honey, this can be hard.  Our culture shames.  So part of our strategy is that when we pick the girls up, we assess how they did that day, and on good days we go do something fun – like the park, playground, icecream, etc.

One particular day, things did not go so well.  When we walked in to daycare it looked as though the teachers had been in a battle.  I recognize that look… I look that way every Sunday night.     We get the girls loaded in the mom-tank and start heading home.

“Are we going to the park?”  –  twin
“No ma’am”  –  dad
“Girls, when you listen and obey, we get to do fun things.” – dad
“And when we don’t obey, we have to eat at home!”   –  twin

Ha!  Yes, that is how they see life.  If they obey, we get to have fun.  If they don’t obey, punishment looks like eating whatever mom was able to cook today.   We are all punished!

And that little baby girl… she’s not too far behind the twins.  Every morning when we have successfully gotten dressed, teeth brushed and hair fixed, we reward with a jelly bean or marshmallow.   “who wants a treat?!”   Screams of “ME!” come running through the house.   It didn’t take baby girl long to figure this out.  Now, as soon as her teeth are brushed she steps down from the stool and starts running through the house screaming “ME!”   – even when we aren’t ready.   She thinks  “ME!” means treats and she throws it out there all the time.   Sweet girl.  This morning, she saw the marshmallow that Sissy had placed on the table, reached just far enough to sneak it off and ate it… then said ME!   Yes child, you stole your sister’s treat but are cute enough to get away with it.  Well played.

And of course, later this morning the twins’ teacher pulled me aside to tell me that yesterday when Prissy got really mad at her she said “My mom will cut you!”

I was stunned in a moment of shock, funniness, embarrassment and laughter not knowing exactly what the appropriate reaction should be but realizing that laughing probably was not it.  I am not a violent person, maybe a little sarcastic, but not really violent.  I apologized to the teacher and asked her to tell Prissy that is not how we handle things if she says it again.  Dear Lord.  What are we doing?!?

On one hand I’m glad she has the confidence that mom is going to get the job done.  On the other hand, I’m a little concerned with how she thinks I’ll take care of things. At the same time I can’t let her know that it was really funny. And I can’t help but question if I have ever said that in front of her.   I’m just gonna believe it came from Dora.  I’m pretty sure I heard Dora the Explorer say that one time.

Last week…

“Mom!  Sissy hit me!”-  Prissy   (Sissy is crying loudly in the other room)
“She did?  Then why is she the one crying?”  –  Me
“Well, I punched her in the face.”  –  Prissy

I guess that makes sense.  Everybody goes into safety break so mommy can take a moment to laugh, again.

Life is exhausting. Some days I can’t even see straight.  But we laugh, a lot.  If you’re ever interested in participating in some of our madness, just stop by, we’re happy to share.  Although, you can’t get the full experience unless you have them for about 2-3 hours and we aren’t around.  Let me know when you’re ready 😉

 

 

Love Does, Uncategorized

Creation groans… waiting stinks

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In the process, in the waiting,
You’re making melodies over me.
And your presence is the promise,
For I am a pilgrim on a journey.
– Bethel Music –

Life isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey.

Find peace in the process.

Let me find one-more-quote on waiting. 

I don’t like to wait. Once I make my mind up about something, I want it then. Or yesterday.

But here I am.  Stuck somewhere between the yes and amen.  Our case worker nonchalantly told me “we’re kind of at a stand-still”.  Well friend, I don’t like to stand-still. Let’s get this thing moving.  I have places to go, people to see, stories to tell and by-Jesus a party needs to happen.   Where’s my oil!?!  Give me some stress-away or joy… something to calm this girl down.

I started out strong. I have been in a place of rest, trusting, just like I’m supposed to.  After one week I started to think, Ok… I’m ready for answers.  But they never came.

Week two, a little bit harder, but still fairly strong.  Pressing into God a little more.  Using oil a little more.  Let’s take it one day at a time.

Week three… I’m starting to crack.  My oil is leaking. I snapped at my husband because he woke the baby.  The struggle is real. I want some closure. I want to know where we’re going and how fast we can get there.  I want what I want when I want it.

I want… But Jesus says wait.    I feel my 3-year-old-tantrum-throwing-self stomping my feet.

I prayed the other night, wondering if I had done all I could do.  Jesus, did I pray enough?  Have I believed enough?  Have I held hope hard enough?  Are you trying to correct me for something I don’t see?  Why isn’t anything happening?

I simply sensed the Lord saying “my goodness does not depend on your goodness.”

That’s pretty humbling.  Not only humbling but relieving.  God knows my heart, he knows my desires, he knows my good and my bad… those things do not change that he is inherently good and will be good to me.

Two days ago as I brought my struggle to the Lord again.  Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief.  The scripture I’ve been studying in Isaiah had new meaning.

Do not be afraid, I am here.  Do not lose heart. I am still God.
I will strengthen you and help you. …

Do not lose heart.  Do not give up.  Do not get weary.  My strength is yours.  I have what you need. I will help you.   It’s like a pep-talk.  I’m reminded of his presence, his promise and his faithfulness.

So we stay in this place of uncertainty, clinging to the words of the Father, trusting his goodness and hoping for forever.  There’s obviously something God is after in this process.  I have to believe it is purposeful.

As you remember us, please pray for peace.  The place of lingering is unsettling for the girls.  They cannot comprehend the big picture or reconcile the push-pull of emotions as things are in the between.  Pray for wisdom for those making decisions.  Pray for favor and protection.

I know we’ll get through the waiting.  And I hear the echo of a little 3-year-old girl saying “I’m so proud of you mommy.  You get a jelly bean.”  Maybe, just maybe, I will hear the voice of the Father that says, well done. you waited well … enough. 🙂

 

 

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What’s so good about Friday?

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easter basket

What’s so great about Friday?

Today is Good Friday.  It seems paradoxical that it’s called good when it must have been such a sad day.  I can see Sunday being good, but Friday?  I would probably have had a different word for that day.

Suffering, crucifixion, death – these are not words I associate with good.  Honestly, I have a hard time even reflecting on this.  As I was trying to share with the girls the story of Easter I felt myself wanting to jump past the reality of Friday, the ugly parts of pain.  I don’t want to explain death on a cross –  but without the death, how can there be resurrection?  There is no sugar coating this story.  In order to celebrate the power of resurrection we must embrace the pain of death.  No amount of peeps, sweet tarts or chocolate bunnies can cover up the pain of the cross – the weight that he carried for me.

I called Daniel.  I said, “we should probably go to all three services this Sunday and hope by the end the girls understand the Easter story.”  I just can’t tell them.

It was a mess that went something like this…

hey girls, do you know what today is?  It’s Good Friday.  Do you know why it’s Good Friday?   –  me

because we get to hide easter eggs?  –  girl

No, that’s not it.  Remember Jesus?  A long time ago {hediedonacrossbutdon’tworry} on Sunday he rose from the grave!   –  me

And the Easter Bunny came?   –  girl

Oh dear.  I failed.  I had never considered how to share the Easter story to children.  It wasn’t in my life plan. But it is now.

I have realized that I’ve spent much of my life celebrating the resurrection but skipping over the pain.  I’ve never watched the Passion of the Christ for this very reason.  To feel the weight of that pain, to see the picture of my sin carried on that cross, to imagine the hopelessness of those around him, not knowing Sunday was coming – I can’t even imagine.

To fully appreciate resurrection, life and glory we must fully experience the suffering, crucifixion and death.

Next week marks one year since we received our first placement.  One year since we embarked on probably the most painful year to date of my story.  I know my own pain pales in comparison to his.  But had we not walked through the pains of this year, the pain of our girls’ stories, the pain happening all around us, I don’t think I could fully appreciate the hope of the redemption to come.

If you had just given me three girls age three and under to keep forever, I couldn’t have appreciated it.  As a matter of fact, I would have probably been resentful.   But to have walked through this journey, growing from despair to hope, fighting for them and pouring everything I have into their lives, that changes everything.

This week has been filled with appointments, interviews, testimonies and its share of drama.  As we went to pick up the girls at the end of one day I couldn’t help but recognize how surreal this was.  I told Daniel, “they have no idea what has taken place today on their behalf – how many people have shown up to fight for them and their future.  To them it has just been another day.”    As I considered this I was simply struck by the realization of this on a spiritual level as well.  I can imagine the Trinity watching me and saying “she has no idea what has taken place today on her behalf.”

As things relate to the girls, we’re in a place of waiting.  Waiting on answers, waiting for promises to be fulfilled, waiting for redemption to their story.  We rest in knowing that God is faithful and good.  We are grateful for your prayers that carried us through the days.  We have truly seen God move in stunning ways and I have to believe he isn’t finished.

As for the cross… I’m humbled as I stand on this side of the story, celebrating resurrection and challenged to recognize the pain that was experienced for my sake.  I choose to reflect on what has taken place on my behalf, the sacrifice made, the weight of every curse upon him.  I’m forever grateful.

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I Wanna Hold Your Hand

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handinhand

These are the moments.  I can’t seem to capture them quick enough.  These moments remind us why we choose to love the way we do.  This morning as I was helping the girls wake up, I snuggled up in bed next to one whose face was buried in the bedding.  “I want to see your beautiful face!”  She kept it buried.  When I moved on to something else I heard her little voice, “Mom, I want to show you my beautiful face!”  So I came close and she lifted her head, her hair covered her face but I could see her smile.

Every day has something new.  Baby girl is growing up so quickly and developing such a personality, I can’t even take it all in.  Her sweet laugh is addicting.  We always want more of it.  Her attitude, well, that’s a different story.  We’re trying to tame that at the moment.  She’s fearless.  She wants to be just like her sisters and does not believe us when we tell her she can’t do everything they do.

When we walk out of the house in the morning, she makes a dash for the neighbor’s sprinklers.  Why not start your day with a splash?!  It takes all of us to hold her back, but I laugh every time.  She is determined to jump in.

Averie-at-fountain

I have to choose some days to be fully present, not be rushed by the clock or a schedule but stop and be intentional.  Mom, can I sit in your lap?  Mom, after school can we maybe go somewhere fun, like a park?  Mom, will you read me a book?  I remind myself that one day I will wish for these moments.

They have such an excitement about them and they relish being loved.  I love to celebrate the good things.  When Prissy is getting dressed, she doesn’t want me to see her until she’s completely finished so I can ooh and aaah over the final result.  “Daddy will say I am toooo cuuute!”   Or when Sissy finishes brushing her teeth and having her hair fixed, she says “I’m a superstar!”

We got a “dear parents” note from school the other day asking us to make sure the girls have on shorts or bloomers under their dress so they aren’t tempted to show everyone their panties.  “we’re trying to teach modesty”   Good luck friends!  I try to teach that every day.  You’re lucky they have panties on.  Dear Jesus help us.

Help us.  That’s my prayer every day.  Help us to live each moment to the fullest, celebrate the good and overcome the bad.  Help us with the things we cannot understand.  Help us with the pain that we can’t control.  Help us with the needs that are before us.  Help us love well.

When we first received the dream and I asked my sister for prayer, she was led to the scripture in Isaiah, 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. 

This week I was reminded of these scriptures and others nearby, I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

As I watch our girls navigate life and all the ways that we are privileged to “help” them I imagine the Father that watches me navigating life – and his willingness to help me knows no end.  How often am I trying to conquer life on my own?  What does it look like to trust in his strength and help?

When he called us into this path he didn’t expect us to walk alone.  He clearly spoke of his intentions to help and uphold.  It is up to me to wait for it, to expect it, to embrace it.

If nothing else, the past year has given me a greater understanding into the father-heart of God.  It is beautiful.  He delights in his children and he loves to watch us grow.  Even when we are silly… he smiles.  He longs to be a part of our lives and walk with us through the good and the bad.

How do you view God?  What would it look like to expect his help, his faithfulness, his righteous right hand?  I keep returning to the photo above.  I imagine a loving father, holding my hand and saying do not fear, I am with you and I will help you.  I will not let you fall.  I am good and I love you dearly. 

Friends, do not fear the path God is calling you to.  He is beyond faithful.  He is loving and he wants to be a part of the journey, offering his strength and his help.

Sometimes his help looks like the grace to survive a kid’s tantrum without losing your cool.  Or help looks like a therapist that patiently works with you to incorporate safety and security into a life marked by trauma.  Help may look like financial provision just in the nick of time.  I feel like I’m on a treasure hunt to see how God will help me next.

Your love and support are a provision of God’s help to us.  Thank you for your being a part of his goodness, his glory.  We are praying for this next week and specifically Tuesday.  Please stand with us. We are trusting for big things, many big things.  I can’t wait to see how he moves.  Get excited!

Much Love!

My Story

What Dreams May Come

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girls at bay

These are the things dreams are made of.  Dreams I never knew I had.  I have only begun to discover the deeper desires of love, protection and purpose turning into dreams of this life filled with giggles and pink.  I’m in over my head, no doubt.  This picture captures our current dream in many ways.

Friends that have known me forever are trying to grasp where this all came from.  Who am I?  What happened to the girl that said she wasn’t having children?  honey, I feel ya!  My head is spinning too.  There are days that I still wonder what happened.

I can trace it back to three things…

Have you ever seen the movie Despicable Me?  I remember watching this with Daniel some 4 or 5 years ago.  When the three little girls walk into Miss Hattie’s House for Girls (orphanage), approach her desk and the little one asks “Did anyone come to adopt us today?”    Yep, that moment caught my heart.  Sure, it’s an animated movie but deep down I heard the cry of the orphan that longs to belong.  God clearly used this to begin stirring my heart.  I was reminded of the call of believers to look after orphans and widows.

The second thing?  I have a dear friend –  I can’t call her my best friend because she didn’t come to my wedding – but she is dear none-the-less.   {That’s an inside joke}  She experienced incredible pain in her life and as she has shared parts of her own story with me I found myself asking, why wasn’t she protected?  What would life look like if she had known that she was worth protecting?  She had a loving mother and father, don’t get me wrong, but life was hard and pain was real.  Her story stirred in me an intense desire to protect the innocence of children who are so often victims of circumstances that they cannot control.  To swoop in and rescue, to speak words of truth that you are loved, you are worth protecting and you are safe.  Why is that so significant? I didn’t know either until I discovered the significance of knowing it myself.

In 2011 I began a journey into my heart.  A battle.  A process of uncovering the depths of my heart and a growing awareness of God’s incredible love for me.  It’s called the Battle for Your Heart and it has been a 4 year process of uncovering the lies I’ve believed and replacing it with the truth of who God says I am.  In that process I’ve seen the framework of 4 Spiritual Realities:

  1. There is a Larger Story
  2. You have a part to play that is yours and yours alone.  If you don’t find a way, no one will.
  3. Evil is hunting you
  4. There is a Fellowship that desires to protect & propel you into your part

As I have discovered my own deep desires of being loved, protected and safe I can see more clearly why I am motivated to do the same for others.  These have been the cries of my own heart, but I am fortunate to come from a family that provided these in so many ways.  I see how God has crafted my life, my marriage, my family to be a piece of his redeeming love for the children he brings into our lives.

In the four years of battling for my own heart I have seen how to fight for the hearts of others – to bring freedom.  As fear has been unraveled in my life so has my carefully constructed protection of control.  And as control was released I began to see how God was inviting me in to so much more than I could imagine.  My part in his larger love story.  A story that has pursued my heart and pursued the hearts of three little girls that he longs to see know the depths of his love for them.

I am in awe, every day, as I consider the story God has written for me and the way he has moved to position us for this moment.  I can’t help but hope for the happy ending because I can’t imagine it being anything less.  I am fully aware that we are embarking on a path filled with resistance.  But I also know that I have a fellowship, a community that loves me well, supports us and propels us into this story.  You make me brave.

So now we dream.  We dream of the territory God is calling us into.  We dream of the days that we aren’t battling the uncertainty of not knowing where they belong.  We dream in a forever kind of way.

As we wait, as we pray, we remember God’s promise and in his promise there is provision.  He will not leave or forsake us.  We will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  And what dreams may come, he will be faithful – not just to us, but to these girls.  Whether the dream fulfilled looks as we hope or not, he is faithful. Dream with me friend.

Love Does, My Story

In a Forever Kind of Way

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The way of surrender ultimately involves hard choices of letting go of what we think we want so we can choose what we truly want, thus following the deep desires the Father has placed within us.   – Women’s Team Equipping Module 1, Reality 2

The way of surrender.  What does that really mean in my life, right now?  I always viewed surrender as giving up, like in a battle.  Recently God has revealed to me that surrender looks like laying down my thoughts for his, my ways for his ways, my desires for his desires.  It isn’t giving up, it’s choosing to let go and trust his goodness.  You have had the chance to watch my journey into surrender.  When I started sharing my story I had no idea I was on this path, I thought I was on a crazy train and needed people to just pray we didn’t crash.  As I look back over the last 7 months I realize that God has been carefully working a plan and all along the way I have moved into the position of surrender.

I shared early on about the dream that a friend had that paved the way for us to say yes to these three precious girls.  In so many ways that dream went against everything I ever planned for my life.  I had to believe that if God went through all that work to get a message to me I should probably give him a chance.  One piece of that dream that I didn’t share, one word that had such huge significance, I left it out because of fear.    Forever.   When she shared her dream she clearly said, forever.  You will be getting twins. Babies. For you to keep.  Forever.

Why am I sharing this now?  Because I’m finally ready.  I have to be honest, the idea of forever was beyond overwhelming.  It is much of what took my breath away that day.  It is the main reason I couldn’t speak for days.  It was pretty much everything I said I would avoid.  Forever.  Commitment.

As Daniel and I have prayed for direction the past few months we have finally taken the step to submit our application for adoption.  This does not mean that the girls are even adoptable.  This means that if our case were to come to the point of adoption, we want to be ready.  Seven months later, almost to the day, I finally surrendered to the idea of forever and we mailed off our application.

I can’t share where things are with the girls but I can always share where we are.  As I was praying yesterday after I had an incredibly frustrating morning getting the girls ready, I cried out to God, “are we doing the right thing?”  Is this really from you?  Or are we going to be those people that accidentally adopted three kids without knowing what we were doing?  In that time I had a clear moment of realizing all the reasons I had for saying no to forever were driven by selfishness, fear and control.   All the reasons I had for saying yes to forever were driven by love, eternal purposes and desires that truly reflect God’s heart.  If I am one day judged for this decision, I would much rather defend desires that reflect God’s heart than try to defend my own selfish heart.  This sealed my deal.  I am all in.  I will not question again if this is right.

As I spent time in my Battle Prep I should not have been surprised by its focus on the way of surrender.  I reflected again on the story of Mary and the angel that came with the word that she would be the mother to the Son of God.  She is the perfect model of surrender.  Her response: “May your word to me be fulfilled.”   That was not my response.  My response was more like, “You have to be kidding me.  God, do you have the right girl?”   It has taken seven pain and joy filled months for me to move from, God, you’re crazy… to God, I see your heart and I surrender.  I wish I was faster, but there were baby steps along the way.

Move out today in humility and courage, knowing that as you respond to God’s desires for your life you too will bring life to many, even to those you may never meet until heaven.   –  Women’s Team Equipping Module 1, Reality 2  (Battle for the Heart)

I share these things because I can’t help but believe that God is stirring your hearts as well.  I don’t think he just picked me for surrender… there are things in all of our lives that seem much bigger than what we had planned and God is calling us to more.  I know it seems scary.  It is incredibly risky.  But I have to believe it is worth it.  You may never fully see the people you will touch as you surrender to God’s call on your life.  Please, don’t hold back.  For your sake.  For my sake. For the sake of those around you. Trust his faithfulness.

I still question if I have what it takes to be the mother these girls need, to survive each day, week, month, years.  I have asked God to show me how he sees me so I can walk more confidently in this place.  As Daniel and I were driving to pick up the girls from school I shared with him the confirmation I had earlier in the day.  He felt led to share with me that he had been praying as well and just really had a sense that I was built for this.  He believes that God has built me for this.  I truly heard the voice of God through him saying, I have created you for this.  Daniel didn’t know what I had prayed that afternoon.  All he knew was to respond to what God had showed him… and it spoke straight to my questioning heart.  Tears filled my eyes as I felt the love of my husband and the love of a heavenly father that spoke through him.

All this to say… we’re all in folks.  We desperately covet your prayers as we continue on this journey of surrender.  We also know that there is the possibility that our move to adoption may not happen.  I have to live with the honesty of our desire and the risk of it not being realized.  I have to trust that God didn’t stir this in my heart just to bring pain.  This was never my plan, I have to believe it is his.  I have to share with you my story, in hopes that it gives you courage, just as Mary did to me.  When God invites us into His Larger Story, it might cost you all that you are, but it is worth it.

Love Does, My Story

You split the sea so I can walk right through it!

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You split the sea so I could walk right through it!

My fears are drowned in perfect love.

You rescued me so I can stand and sing, I am a child of God.

I cannot adequately share the depths of my heart with you.  I feel like words fall incredibly short.  I am in awe of your love, support, encouragement and willingness to walk into battle on our behalf.  The song above is my anthem for this month.  I have seen God split seas so we can walk right through it.  I have been given incredible courage by his love and yours.  I am inspired to support each of you in your own journeys in such a way as what I have experienced from you.  Friends, please know I pray for you… and I thank God for you daily.

From my call to prayer last week I was blown away by your messages, your encouragement and your response to our need.  I feel a bit of a need to clarify, my last post came from a place of knowing the significance of a court-date that was scheduled and the emotional fall-out we were already seeing as a result of the notice.  I wasn’t just coming apart at the seams because of the challenges of having three kids ages 3 and under… that’s just a walk in the park 😉

These girls are my heroes.  They have been through more in their short little lives than many of us will see in our long ones.  I know your prayers carried us through the day.  You know that feeling when you have two different sets of friends, maybe church friends and work friends… and you have that first time where both sets of friends are in the same place at the same time?  Now imagine being 3 years old, having two sets of parents, not being able to understand why this isn’t normal or how you’re supposed to act when all of a sudden both sets of parents are in the same place at the same time.  I don’t wish that on anyone, but especially not children that have no capacity to comprehend what is really going on.  Factor in heightened emotions of the parents due to the significance of the day and you have a recipe for uncertainty. One thing is certain, these girls are loved.

As far as the outcome, things are going along as well as I can hope.  The girls navigated the day well and we have more clarity on a timeline and what to expect over the next few months.  I see God’s hand in many ways, I just can’t share them all. My mom on the other hand loves to share… go talk to her 🙂

From my personal perspective, I do want to share with you the ways that God has weaved his promises to me, through you.  An early response to my post last week was a friend sharing a reminder from Exodus 14

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.  The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  Exodus 14:13-14

This resonated with my spirit as other words came strengthening my trust and encouraging to “be still”.  This is significant because as of Thursday I was building my fight, determined to bring my case and fight on behalf of these girls… but God was inviting me to rest, be still my heart and know that he is fighting for me, for them.

One sweet friend had a picture of me with a giant sheer/lace-like blanket floating over me. It was covered in the most beautiful sparkling diamonds.  As I held on to this picture I sensed God showing me that this is our covering.  I could be still and rest in his promises, knowing that we are covered in his grace, as his children.  I believe that you, my friends, represent the beautiful diamonds that fill that covering.  I have felt your covering as we have walked into this journey and you have engaged in our story, praying for us and loving us all so well.  You shine bright like a diamond  {Cue Rihanna song now}

On Monday as I spent time in prayer and reflecting on the scripture in Exodus, the song above came on and I was overwhelmed with God’s goodness.  Around the 4 minute point my excitement builds when it goes into the bridge – I could sing those words over and over – I have for days.    I claimed the words I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.  I do not have to fear an outcome but can rest, securely, in who I am as his child.  There was such confidence when I heard the words come together – the scripture and the song, the picture and the promises – man, I felt brave.

One might think I am on the marketing team for Bethel Music.  It’s not true. I can’t help it, they write songs that absolutely line up with God’s work in my life and my heart’s cry.  All I can say is get you some.  Download their music.  Soak in it.

We are in a good place.  Yesterday was hard and we were exhausted when it was all said and done, but we are well.  The girls bounced back from the tension and challenges and we all slept like babies last night.  Thank you Lord!  I just want you to know, you are moving mountains with your faith.  You are a vital part of our story and I hope you celebrate the good things with us.  I hope you feel like these are your girls as much as I do.  You have fought hard and I wouldn’t want to do this without you.

I am passionate about others knowing they are loved and walking confidently in God’s purposes for their lives.  This feeds into my story in many ways.  Sometimes obedience is simply responding to God’s prompting, whether it means taking in children, or sharing a word that you have for someone.  Please walk boldly in where God is leading you.  If you respond in obedience, He will split the sea… just walk right through it.  If there is any way I can support you, please friend, know I want to.

As you remember us, keep praying for peace as we trust God for his purposes.  Pray that the girls will rest in knowing they are loved and not be negatively impacted by the uncertainty that surrounds them.  Pray that we can stay grounded in faith and security of being God’s child – not easily affected by fear or changes in the situation.  Pray in a forever kind of way.

Much love to you!

Uncategorized

Knocking on Heaven’s door

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sunset

Humbled we come, inviting you again to join with us in prayer.  You are our people.  But more importantly, you are God’s people and we need you to stand with us in prayer.

Two nights ago I sat in the bathroom crying fiercely in the middle of the night feeling disheartened, discouraged and at a loss for what to do.  My sweet husband found me crying, comforted and encouraged me to not give up.  Despite the words coming out of my mouth, I wasn’t really considering giving up.  What I was really feeling was a sense of failure at being this mom and meeting the emotional needs of children with trauma.

We were in our second night of a mid-night battle with terrors that lasted nothing short of two hours each time.  It is hard to maintain a sense of calm and care when you are exhausted and emotionally drained.  I could tell that every ounce of security she had built in the past six months had been unraveled.  It felt like we were back at square one… and I felt hopeless.

My head was spinning as I considered all the ways in the past four weeks I have seen the progress we’ve made slipping through our fingers.  Night terrors, tantrums, intentionally wet pants, chasing me down the hall at daycare, hitting, kicking and screaming – these are not our girls.  This is not what we have fought for. Where had I let the guard down?  Am I not protecting them enough?  How am I supposed to protect them from a system that was built to protect them but feels as though the child is less than the highest priority?

I pray.  I pray hard.  I repent for my own fallenness and the ways I have contributed to their insecurity and trust that God can restore that which was lost.  I have to trust that even when everything within me wants to fight against them going to visits that God is with them, protecting them better than I can.

Friends, we are praying earnestly in the next four days for a significant move.  If we cross your mind, if you see our picture, if we randomly appear in your dreams, will you please pray with us?  I’m not praying from a place of fear, so please know I am trusting God deeply.  We are praying from a place of confidence in knowing that God is writing this story and we want to be in his purposes.

If my people, who are called by name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.  2 Chron. 7:14

I cannot adequately express how much you each mean to us.  Your words of encouragement, support and prayers have been a tremendous blessing.  If I could hug each of you, I would.  I am in awe of how God is moving in our lives.  I am given courage even by a teacher who fully believes God brought her to this place specifically for our girls.  There are people that I don’t even know covering our case with prayer, and I am moved to tears as I consider God’s goodness in providing such love in our lives.  One day, we’re gonna have a party. 😉

Love Does, My Story

Courage, Beauty & Love

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Just a quick warning…there might be some brutal honesty…and it’s not always pretty.

I am a dates girl.  I remember random dates and events and much of my memory is organized in chronological order.  So it’s no surprise as I was going to bed Friday night that I was reminded of the Friday before Valentine’s four years ago.  Daniel was wrapping up his year of training and we were in the beginnings of a job search for him.  We traveled to the air-force base for an interview and planned a weekend get-away to celebrate Valentine’s Day.  He spent about 3 hours in the interview that afternoon and came out absolutely pitiful.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever seen as a wife.  He was very discouraged, disheartened and certain that there was no likelihood of getting that position.  In the car ride he said, “one thing’s for sure, if I were to get that job, there would be no doubt that God did it.”

As I was thinking about that weekend my mind also wondered to where the girls would have been at that time.  Based on their birth date, I am guessing that their mother would have just found out she was pregnant at that time.  Somewhere around 6-8 weeks.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, … Jeremiah 1:5

It took my breath away.  Seriously, I was taken aback when I considered that about the time that these girls’ lives were formed God was already orchestrating this story that we are living.  He was moving in our lives to prepare us to be a place of safety, love and peace for these precious girls before they even came into the world.

This was comforting to me on the end of a challenging week.  The girls have been great, we continue to grow into this role as a party of five, but we experienced some challenges on the legal side of our journey.  Everything in my self was shaken with uncertainty and the unknown of how things will play out.  It feels as though we have been standing in line waiting to get on a roller coaster… and we have just taken our seats.  As we took our place I began to see a glimpse of the ride before me, it looks scary and emotional and I’m not sure I have what it takes to get to the end.    (by the way… I don’t like roller coasters, real or metaphorical.)  This reflection of God’s work in our lives reminds me that he is in control, his heart is good and I can rest in knowing these things.

So, to finish up our story from years ago… a month later Daniel got the call offering him the job.  We were beyond surprised. Shocked. Stupified.  Half-way wondering if they called the right guy.  I remember talking with Daniel and saying, I wonder what God is up to here.  It just seemed beyond our imagination… and now I can see that it was – way beyond.

Last week as I was momentarily gripped with the fear of what is before us, I was sharing with my mother as tears streamed down my cheeks, almost unable to speak.  “I haven’t wanted to let myself want them.”   And I realized as much as I have been willing to love fully, there has been a part that is self-protecting, I don’t want to want to keep them because that could leave me desperately hurting.  I have to be guarded.  No doubt we will be sad if these girls leave, but if we allow ourselves to hope that they stay, then their leaving is even more painful.  I can’t imagine the pain of that kind of disappointment.

Surely it is safer not to want.

Kindly, God has had me in the story of Hannah this week.  If you are familiar with this story, Hannah was barren but desperately wanted a child with everything in her being.  I can’t say I could relate to that.  I haven’t walked the path of barrenness.  I haven’t dreamed of carrying a child in my womb.  I used to read this story and think girl, just enjoy your husband. But what I realized in this story is that Hannah owned her desire.  She cried out to God, poured out her soul and in her grief was able to give her desire to the one who could ultimately grant it.  Consider her beauty.

I’m not in that place yet.  If I’m honest, I still operate with a sense of self-protection that has to remind myself these girls could leave.  Things could get dramatic; It might hurt; I have no control.  I don’t believe I’m holding back love but I guess you could say I’m holding back hope.  I have tremendous hope for these girls and the work of God in their lives.  I have less hope that I will be the one that watches them grow…. only because it is scary to hope that way.

As I prayed asking God what it looked like to respond as Hannah did, I had a faint sense that I need to pray for my girls’ mother.  Have I prayed for her lately?  Have I considered that God’s kindness could lead her to repentance?  Have a I considered what is really at stake here?  What if the beautiful ending to their story is one of redemption of their mother, who comes to know God and gets her children back.  What if my part is to point her to Jesus.  What if that means I have loss?  Is it worth it?

What if I’m not God’s best for these girls?

These are the questions of my heart right now.  It’s an uncomfortable place.  I wrestle with flesh and spirit on a daily basis.  I pray for peace in my heart and theirs.  I have to choose to engage with courage, beauty and love trusting that God knows my heart.  I want to live in such a way that I trust God with the deepest desires. I long for his beauty to shine through me as it did with Hannah.  No matter the outcome, I hope my heart lives knowing that he is good.  His praise will ever be on my lips.  Please pray with us.

Love Does, Uncategorized

How the heck we’ve made it this far

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Seriously, I cannot help but laugh at myself when I look back one year at what my life looked like compared to where we are today.  When I take a minute to really give it some thought, it is crazy.  I thought I’d share some of that funny with you.

So, February 2014 we were just completing our licensing, mildly anticipating the possibility of one day having a child come live with us, naively thinking, how hard can this be?

Bahahaha!  If I had only known, I assure you I would have run the other way.  But God in his infinite wisdom let me walk into the deep without knowing much better.

Google… my best friend and worst enemy.  For most new parents, you had 8-9 months to prepare for that first bundle of joy.  You had the opportunity to read What to expect when you’re expecting and all those other mommy/daddy books.  You have an idea of what babies are supposed to do and how you want to parent.  Yeah, we had no real idea.  I depend on Google a lot… unfortunately, as with all things Google… everything turns out to be cancer.  Damn you Google!

In my determination to cure cancer I have discovered essential oils.  Yep, I confess, I’m one of those crazy oil ladies.  When you have two 2 year olds show up and immediately discover they don’t sleep through the night – judge me then.  I promise you will try every possible option to bring your much loved sleep back!  I dove in head first to the oily world.  Especially since we don’t have a doctor willing to see these girlies, my determination to try all things preventative has been magnified.

Pinterest – I am certain this may have come from hell.  Who in the world has time to do that stuff?!?!  It looks so pretty but I get exhausted just reading the instructions.  Seriously, pinterest almost makes me cuss.  Baby girl recently turned 1… pinterest sent me on a dramatic spiral into mommy-guilt.  For a brief moment I had dreams of an elaborate, Winter Onederland birthday celebration complete with a hot-chocolate bar, snow covered marshmallows, snowflake cookie goodies, pendant banners and so much more to celebrate her one year.  Then I realized it was the devil painting those pictures and I was able to pray through that horrible idea, release those demons and give myself a break.  Jesus said, just give her a smash-cake and wrap some presents.  Celebrate survival! amen.

Boogie wipes… have you ever heard of these?  They are amazing.  They smell incredible and they make snotty noses look pretty again.  I have them everywhere.  Seriously, everywhere.  Sometimes, I accidentally wipe my counters with them.  Yeah, maybe not so accidentally.  It works friends. Get-you-some.

Diaper Genie?  Must.have.  Poop stinks. I mean, majorly.  If you are even considering having a baby, go ahead and get you one of these.  It saves my life.  You should probably get one of those guys that comes in twice a week and empties it too.  He’s my hero.

Jamberry nails. Period. If you haven’t heard of these yet, google them.  Better yet, ask me how to reach my friend Katermellon to get in on this thing.  It makes your nails look effortlessly beautiful.  It takes a little bit of time but it can brighten your day.  However, do not, under any circumstances attempt to put these on 3 year old girls.  I had a root-canal that was more fun.  This is torture for both you, the girls and anyone else in the house during the 2 hours you attempt to make this work.  Trust me.  Jamberries are for mommies and big girls.  I’ll give the girls another try in 10 years.

Daycare – they are my best friends.  They kindly tell me all the things I should be doing and expecting and they are one of the greatest parts of our team.  On the other hand, they are also our biggest source for germs.  I love them anyway.

One day, our daycare lady told me baby-girl is almost always constipated.  I looked at her and said “hey, it works for us.”  They suggested giving her prune juice.  Not on my watch.  I’ve heard what prune juice does.  You give her prune juice.  She’s not even crying.  Her diapers are hardly even dirty.  Let’s see how long this can go.  {Don’t you judge me}  Then I found out – there’s an oil for that!  So of course, I gave it a shot.  Well, 10 poopy diapers later (in one day) I cursed the oil, blessed the diaper genie and vowed to serve yogurt every day.  I’m learning.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate – that is the question.  Well, it’s not really a question for us – we aren’t given an option.  My question is – how do you vaccinate against the vaccination location?  Of course, you have a 30 minute wait in the lobby with no toys whatsoever and you’re supposed to keep a kid from touching every-single-thing or person that walks in the door?  This was like the worst day ever.  Then, you have to watch as they are stabbed multiple times with a needle, their face turns bright red and tears stream as they look and wonder why in the world this just happened. break.my.heart.   I dread the day I have to go back and do this.

And WIC – this is a monster.  The girls get benefits just by nature of the system, but it requires a 4-year degree to navigate the benefits.  If you have multiple children, they each have their own card.  If you ever want to gain evil stares at a grocery store, split your purchase up into 3 separate transactions, stumble through the payment process and try not to explain why you are using both WIC benefits and buying alcohol in the same breath.  Don’t judge me.  Spend 3 days in our shoes and tell me you don’t need a drink.

So, this is just a brief glimpse into my journey of knowledge over the past year.  I am in awe of all you people that have parented for years and lived to tell about it.  Also, for those of you that parented without all these modern conveniences – bless you.  To my mom, you were a trooper.  I would not have judged you if you stopped with 2 kids… but thanks for letting me and Drew stay.   When things get crazy, I laugh knowing, there’s an oil for that too. 🙂

Love.Does.