The way of surrender ultimately involves hard choices of letting go of what we think we want so we can choose what we truly want, thus following the deep desires the Father has placed within us. – Women’s Team Equipping Module 1, Reality 2
The way of surrender. What does that really mean in my life, right now? I always viewed surrender as giving up, like in a battle. Recently God has revealed to me that surrender looks like laying down my thoughts for his, my ways for his ways, my desires for his desires. It isn’t giving up, it’s choosing to let go and trust his goodness. You have had the chance to watch my journey into surrender. When I started sharing my story I had no idea I was on this path, I thought I was on a crazy train and needed people to just pray we didn’t crash. As I look back over the last 7 months I realize that God has been carefully working a plan and all along the way I have moved into the position of surrender.
I shared early on about the dream that a friend had that paved the way for us to say yes to these three precious girls. In so many ways that dream went against everything I ever planned for my life. I had to believe that if God went through all that work to get a message to me I should probably give him a chance. One piece of that dream that I didn’t share, one word that had such huge significance, I left it out because of fear. Forever. When she shared her dream she clearly said, forever. You will be getting twins. Babies. For you to keep. Forever.
Why am I sharing this now? Because I’m finally ready. I have to be honest, the idea of forever was beyond overwhelming. It is much of what took my breath away that day. It is the main reason I couldn’t speak for days. It was pretty much everything I said I would avoid. Forever. Commitment.
As Daniel and I have prayed for direction the past few months we have finally taken the step to submit our application for adoption. This does not mean that the girls are even adoptable. This means that if our case were to come to the point of adoption, we want to be ready. Seven months later, almost to the day, I finally surrendered to the idea of forever and we mailed off our application.
I can’t share where things are with the girls but I can always share where we are. As I was praying yesterday after I had an incredibly frustrating morning getting the girls ready, I cried out to God, “are we doing the right thing?” Is this really from you? Or are we going to be those people that accidentally adopted three kids without knowing what we were doing? In that time I had a clear moment of realizing all the reasons I had for saying no to forever were driven by selfishness, fear and control. All the reasons I had for saying yes to forever were driven by love, eternal purposes and desires that truly reflect God’s heart. If I am one day judged for this decision, I would much rather defend desires that reflect God’s heart than try to defend my own selfish heart. This sealed my deal. I am all in. I will not question again if this is right.
As I spent time in my Battle Prep I should not have been surprised by its focus on the way of surrender. I reflected again on the story of Mary and the angel that came with the word that she would be the mother to the Son of God. She is the perfect model of surrender. Her response: “May your word to me be fulfilled.” That was not my response. My response was more like, “You have to be kidding me. God, do you have the right girl?” It has taken seven pain and joy filled months for me to move from, God, you’re crazy… to God, I see your heart and I surrender. I wish I was faster, but there were baby steps along the way.
Move out today in humility and courage, knowing that as you respond to God’s desires for your life you too will bring life to many, even to those you may never meet until heaven. – Women’s Team Equipping Module 1, Reality 2 (Battle for the Heart)
I share these things because I can’t help but believe that God is stirring your hearts as well. I don’t think he just picked me for surrender… there are things in all of our lives that seem much bigger than what we had planned and God is calling us to more. I know it seems scary. It is incredibly risky. But I have to believe it is worth it. You may never fully see the people you will touch as you surrender to God’s call on your life. Please, don’t hold back. For your sake. For my sake. For the sake of those around you. Trust his faithfulness.
I still question if I have what it takes to be the mother these girls need, to survive each day, week, month, years. I have asked God to show me how he sees me so I can walk more confidently in this place. As Daniel and I were driving to pick up the girls from school I shared with him the confirmation I had earlier in the day. He felt led to share with me that he had been praying as well and just really had a sense that I was built for this. He believes that God has built me for this. I truly heard the voice of God through him saying, I have created you for this. Daniel didn’t know what I had prayed that afternoon. All he knew was to respond to what God had showed him… and it spoke straight to my questioning heart. Tears filled my eyes as I felt the love of my husband and the love of a heavenly father that spoke through him.
All this to say… we’re all in folks. We desperately covet your prayers as we continue on this journey of surrender. We also know that there is the possibility that our move to adoption may not happen. I have to live with the honesty of our desire and the risk of it not being realized. I have to trust that God didn’t stir this in my heart just to bring pain. This was never my plan, I have to believe it is his. I have to share with you my story, in hopes that it gives you courage, just as Mary did to me. When God invites us into His Larger Story, it might cost you all that you are, but it is worth it.