Category: Love Does

Love Does

Let my words be few

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Sometimes our story takes my breath away.  In the quiet moments, when you hear the crickets chirp –  “mommy, what are they saying?”  I playfully answer, “They are saying, ‘it’s time to get in bed little girl!'”.   Or when the frogs are croaking – “mommy, what are they singing?”  I think they’re singing “here comes the rain again!”

Everyday is an opportunity to respond to the whys the whats and the wonder of these little girls.  Some days that is quite overwhelming.  Other days I can’t help but wonder myself what is behind the things I see, hear and even say?

In Wellspring, we practice what we call “listening in 4 directions”.  In any situation, being sensitive to:  what is happening in you, what is happening in me, what is God up to in this situation, what is the enemy up to?  I think intuitively, even as children, we want to know what’s really going on.

It’s been about 3 weeks since my last blog.  I honestly had nothing nice to say.  My husband was gone for almost three weeks and I was pretty much freaking the hell out.  (sorry friends)  In that time, I think he knew in every conversation we had what was behind the words I was saying… I was pretty clear.  I don’t like you. Everything wrong with my day is your fault. You left me.  When you get back I will probably kill you.  { You get the picture.}

I said these things in complete frustration and despair, knowing that once he came home and my life returned to some sort of normal, I would eventually love him again.  And he knew that this was coming. This is how I respond to pressure and he would have a lot of work to do when he returns to get me to like him again.  I really wish I was more adult than this, but seriously, the struggle is real. (admitting I have a problem is the first step.)

When it comes to parenting, I have so much more awareness about my words and actions.  If there is one thing I want these girls to know, to be confident of, to go to bed with all certainty, it is… You.Are.Loved.

Friends, some days that is hard.  Not because I don’t love, but because life is simply hard.  Mothering is hard.  Changing patterns is hard.  Cooking dinner is hard.  Eating what I cooked… that can be hard too. 😉

Sometimes I love so well that I have to call my mom to tell her how awesome I did.  Sometimes I fail so badly I have to put myself in safety break.

True story:

Driving down Interstate 10, I have to pull over because Prissy has gotten her arm stuck in her carseat strap as she was trying to free herself from the constraints.  After 2 minutes of intense screaming I realized she wasn’t going to get out of this on her own.

Me:  girls, do not talk to me right now. Mommy is in safety break!
Prissy (whispering in the back): why is mommy in safety break?
Sissy (whispers back): because you made a really bad choice!

When we finally arrived at my parents’ house that night the girls told Nana that mommy had to go in safety break so we could all stay safe.    I hope they know that was love.

There’s an accountability I feel with the uncertainty of our days with these girls.  Even as things seem to point towards forever, there is still a knowing that I am not promised tomorrow.  Whatever they are, my days are numbered. They may be many; they may be few. I must live each one with full purpose of expressing love.

As we consider new names for each of these sweet faces, I am drawn to the stories in the Bible where God changed a name.  Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Israel, Saul to Paul… there was always purpose.  I find myself watching, listening, wondering with each girl what is it God is saying about them?  Who has he created them to be? How will the story unfold for their lives?  How does He see them?  In the stillness, in the quiet, I hear him say “Loved one.”

In my heart I know, Loved One is not just the name he has for them, but the name he has for me; the name he has for you.  When I fail, he still sees me as beloved.  When I win, his love is the same.  I long to express this kind of love to those around me. I hope that our girls see in everything around them, my words, this story of redemption… Forever, for always, no matter what….. you.are.loved.

Love Does, Uncategorized

Creation groans… waiting stinks

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In the process, in the waiting,
You’re making melodies over me.
And your presence is the promise,
For I am a pilgrim on a journey.
– Bethel Music –

Life isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey.

Find peace in the process.

Let me find one-more-quote on waiting. 

I don’t like to wait. Once I make my mind up about something, I want it then. Or yesterday.

But here I am.  Stuck somewhere between the yes and amen.  Our case worker nonchalantly told me “we’re kind of at a stand-still”.  Well friend, I don’t like to stand-still. Let’s get this thing moving.  I have places to go, people to see, stories to tell and by-Jesus a party needs to happen.   Where’s my oil!?!  Give me some stress-away or joy… something to calm this girl down.

I started out strong. I have been in a place of rest, trusting, just like I’m supposed to.  After one week I started to think, Ok… I’m ready for answers.  But they never came.

Week two, a little bit harder, but still fairly strong.  Pressing into God a little more.  Using oil a little more.  Let’s take it one day at a time.

Week three… I’m starting to crack.  My oil is leaking. I snapped at my husband because he woke the baby.  The struggle is real. I want some closure. I want to know where we’re going and how fast we can get there.  I want what I want when I want it.

I want… But Jesus says wait.    I feel my 3-year-old-tantrum-throwing-self stomping my feet.

I prayed the other night, wondering if I had done all I could do.  Jesus, did I pray enough?  Have I believed enough?  Have I held hope hard enough?  Are you trying to correct me for something I don’t see?  Why isn’t anything happening?

I simply sensed the Lord saying “my goodness does not depend on your goodness.”

That’s pretty humbling.  Not only humbling but relieving.  God knows my heart, he knows my desires, he knows my good and my bad… those things do not change that he is inherently good and will be good to me.

Two days ago as I brought my struggle to the Lord again.  Jesus, I believe, help my unbelief.  The scripture I’ve been studying in Isaiah had new meaning.

Do not be afraid, I am here.  Do not lose heart. I am still God.
I will strengthen you and help you. …

Do not lose heart.  Do not give up.  Do not get weary.  My strength is yours.  I have what you need. I will help you.   It’s like a pep-talk.  I’m reminded of his presence, his promise and his faithfulness.

So we stay in this place of uncertainty, clinging to the words of the Father, trusting his goodness and hoping for forever.  There’s obviously something God is after in this process.  I have to believe it is purposeful.

As you remember us, please pray for peace.  The place of lingering is unsettling for the girls.  They cannot comprehend the big picture or reconcile the push-pull of emotions as things are in the between.  Pray for wisdom for those making decisions.  Pray for favor and protection.

I know we’ll get through the waiting.  And I hear the echo of a little 3-year-old girl saying “I’m so proud of you mommy.  You get a jelly bean.”  Maybe, just maybe, I will hear the voice of the Father that says, well done. you waited well … enough. 🙂

 

 

Love Does, My Story

In a Forever Kind of Way

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The way of surrender ultimately involves hard choices of letting go of what we think we want so we can choose what we truly want, thus following the deep desires the Father has placed within us.   – Women’s Team Equipping Module 1, Reality 2

The way of surrender.  What does that really mean in my life, right now?  I always viewed surrender as giving up, like in a battle.  Recently God has revealed to me that surrender looks like laying down my thoughts for his, my ways for his ways, my desires for his desires.  It isn’t giving up, it’s choosing to let go and trust his goodness.  You have had the chance to watch my journey into surrender.  When I started sharing my story I had no idea I was on this path, I thought I was on a crazy train and needed people to just pray we didn’t crash.  As I look back over the last 7 months I realize that God has been carefully working a plan and all along the way I have moved into the position of surrender.

I shared early on about the dream that a friend had that paved the way for us to say yes to these three precious girls.  In so many ways that dream went against everything I ever planned for my life.  I had to believe that if God went through all that work to get a message to me I should probably give him a chance.  One piece of that dream that I didn’t share, one word that had such huge significance, I left it out because of fear.    Forever.   When she shared her dream she clearly said, forever.  You will be getting twins. Babies. For you to keep.  Forever.

Why am I sharing this now?  Because I’m finally ready.  I have to be honest, the idea of forever was beyond overwhelming.  It is much of what took my breath away that day.  It is the main reason I couldn’t speak for days.  It was pretty much everything I said I would avoid.  Forever.  Commitment.

As Daniel and I have prayed for direction the past few months we have finally taken the step to submit our application for adoption.  This does not mean that the girls are even adoptable.  This means that if our case were to come to the point of adoption, we want to be ready.  Seven months later, almost to the day, I finally surrendered to the idea of forever and we mailed off our application.

I can’t share where things are with the girls but I can always share where we are.  As I was praying yesterday after I had an incredibly frustrating morning getting the girls ready, I cried out to God, “are we doing the right thing?”  Is this really from you?  Or are we going to be those people that accidentally adopted three kids without knowing what we were doing?  In that time I had a clear moment of realizing all the reasons I had for saying no to forever were driven by selfishness, fear and control.   All the reasons I had for saying yes to forever were driven by love, eternal purposes and desires that truly reflect God’s heart.  If I am one day judged for this decision, I would much rather defend desires that reflect God’s heart than try to defend my own selfish heart.  This sealed my deal.  I am all in.  I will not question again if this is right.

As I spent time in my Battle Prep I should not have been surprised by its focus on the way of surrender.  I reflected again on the story of Mary and the angel that came with the word that she would be the mother to the Son of God.  She is the perfect model of surrender.  Her response: “May your word to me be fulfilled.”   That was not my response.  My response was more like, “You have to be kidding me.  God, do you have the right girl?”   It has taken seven pain and joy filled months for me to move from, God, you’re crazy… to God, I see your heart and I surrender.  I wish I was faster, but there were baby steps along the way.

Move out today in humility and courage, knowing that as you respond to God’s desires for your life you too will bring life to many, even to those you may never meet until heaven.   –  Women’s Team Equipping Module 1, Reality 2  (Battle for the Heart)

I share these things because I can’t help but believe that God is stirring your hearts as well.  I don’t think he just picked me for surrender… there are things in all of our lives that seem much bigger than what we had planned and God is calling us to more.  I know it seems scary.  It is incredibly risky.  But I have to believe it is worth it.  You may never fully see the people you will touch as you surrender to God’s call on your life.  Please, don’t hold back.  For your sake.  For my sake. For the sake of those around you. Trust his faithfulness.

I still question if I have what it takes to be the mother these girls need, to survive each day, week, month, years.  I have asked God to show me how he sees me so I can walk more confidently in this place.  As Daniel and I were driving to pick up the girls from school I shared with him the confirmation I had earlier in the day.  He felt led to share with me that he had been praying as well and just really had a sense that I was built for this.  He believes that God has built me for this.  I truly heard the voice of God through him saying, I have created you for this.  Daniel didn’t know what I had prayed that afternoon.  All he knew was to respond to what God had showed him… and it spoke straight to my questioning heart.  Tears filled my eyes as I felt the love of my husband and the love of a heavenly father that spoke through him.

All this to say… we’re all in folks.  We desperately covet your prayers as we continue on this journey of surrender.  We also know that there is the possibility that our move to adoption may not happen.  I have to live with the honesty of our desire and the risk of it not being realized.  I have to trust that God didn’t stir this in my heart just to bring pain.  This was never my plan, I have to believe it is his.  I have to share with you my story, in hopes that it gives you courage, just as Mary did to me.  When God invites us into His Larger Story, it might cost you all that you are, but it is worth it.

Love Does, My Story

You split the sea so I can walk right through it!

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You split the sea so I could walk right through it!

My fears are drowned in perfect love.

You rescued me so I can stand and sing, I am a child of God.

I cannot adequately share the depths of my heart with you.  I feel like words fall incredibly short.  I am in awe of your love, support, encouragement and willingness to walk into battle on our behalf.  The song above is my anthem for this month.  I have seen God split seas so we can walk right through it.  I have been given incredible courage by his love and yours.  I am inspired to support each of you in your own journeys in such a way as what I have experienced from you.  Friends, please know I pray for you… and I thank God for you daily.

From my call to prayer last week I was blown away by your messages, your encouragement and your response to our need.  I feel a bit of a need to clarify, my last post came from a place of knowing the significance of a court-date that was scheduled and the emotional fall-out we were already seeing as a result of the notice.  I wasn’t just coming apart at the seams because of the challenges of having three kids ages 3 and under… that’s just a walk in the park 😉

These girls are my heroes.  They have been through more in their short little lives than many of us will see in our long ones.  I know your prayers carried us through the day.  You know that feeling when you have two different sets of friends, maybe church friends and work friends… and you have that first time where both sets of friends are in the same place at the same time?  Now imagine being 3 years old, having two sets of parents, not being able to understand why this isn’t normal or how you’re supposed to act when all of a sudden both sets of parents are in the same place at the same time.  I don’t wish that on anyone, but especially not children that have no capacity to comprehend what is really going on.  Factor in heightened emotions of the parents due to the significance of the day and you have a recipe for uncertainty. One thing is certain, these girls are loved.

As far as the outcome, things are going along as well as I can hope.  The girls navigated the day well and we have more clarity on a timeline and what to expect over the next few months.  I see God’s hand in many ways, I just can’t share them all. My mom on the other hand loves to share… go talk to her 🙂

From my personal perspective, I do want to share with you the ways that God has weaved his promises to me, through you.  An early response to my post last week was a friend sharing a reminder from Exodus 14

Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.  The Egyptians you see today you will never see again.  The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”  Exodus 14:13-14

This resonated with my spirit as other words came strengthening my trust and encouraging to “be still”.  This is significant because as of Thursday I was building my fight, determined to bring my case and fight on behalf of these girls… but God was inviting me to rest, be still my heart and know that he is fighting for me, for them.

One sweet friend had a picture of me with a giant sheer/lace-like blanket floating over me. It was covered in the most beautiful sparkling diamonds.  As I held on to this picture I sensed God showing me that this is our covering.  I could be still and rest in his promises, knowing that we are covered in his grace, as his children.  I believe that you, my friends, represent the beautiful diamonds that fill that covering.  I have felt your covering as we have walked into this journey and you have engaged in our story, praying for us and loving us all so well.  You shine bright like a diamond  {Cue Rihanna song now}

On Monday as I spent time in prayer and reflecting on the scripture in Exodus, the song above came on and I was overwhelmed with God’s goodness.  Around the 4 minute point my excitement builds when it goes into the bridge – I could sing those words over and over – I have for days.    I claimed the words I am no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God.  I do not have to fear an outcome but can rest, securely, in who I am as his child.  There was such confidence when I heard the words come together – the scripture and the song, the picture and the promises – man, I felt brave.

One might think I am on the marketing team for Bethel Music.  It’s not true. I can’t help it, they write songs that absolutely line up with God’s work in my life and my heart’s cry.  All I can say is get you some.  Download their music.  Soak in it.

We are in a good place.  Yesterday was hard and we were exhausted when it was all said and done, but we are well.  The girls bounced back from the tension and challenges and we all slept like babies last night.  Thank you Lord!  I just want you to know, you are moving mountains with your faith.  You are a vital part of our story and I hope you celebrate the good things with us.  I hope you feel like these are your girls as much as I do.  You have fought hard and I wouldn’t want to do this without you.

I am passionate about others knowing they are loved and walking confidently in God’s purposes for their lives.  This feeds into my story in many ways.  Sometimes obedience is simply responding to God’s prompting, whether it means taking in children, or sharing a word that you have for someone.  Please walk boldly in where God is leading you.  If you respond in obedience, He will split the sea… just walk right through it.  If there is any way I can support you, please friend, know I want to.

As you remember us, keep praying for peace as we trust God for his purposes.  Pray that the girls will rest in knowing they are loved and not be negatively impacted by the uncertainty that surrounds them.  Pray that we can stay grounded in faith and security of being God’s child – not easily affected by fear or changes in the situation.  Pray in a forever kind of way.

Much love to you!

Love Does, My Story

Courage, Beauty & Love

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Just a quick warning…there might be some brutal honesty…and it’s not always pretty.

I am a dates girl.  I remember random dates and events and much of my memory is organized in chronological order.  So it’s no surprise as I was going to bed Friday night that I was reminded of the Friday before Valentine’s four years ago.  Daniel was wrapping up his year of training and we were in the beginnings of a job search for him.  We traveled to the air-force base for an interview and planned a weekend get-away to celebrate Valentine’s Day.  He spent about 3 hours in the interview that afternoon and came out absolutely pitiful.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever seen as a wife.  He was very discouraged, disheartened and certain that there was no likelihood of getting that position.  In the car ride he said, “one thing’s for sure, if I were to get that job, there would be no doubt that God did it.”

As I was thinking about that weekend my mind also wondered to where the girls would have been at that time.  Based on their birth date, I am guessing that their mother would have just found out she was pregnant at that time.  Somewhere around 6-8 weeks.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, … Jeremiah 1:5

It took my breath away.  Seriously, I was taken aback when I considered that about the time that these girls’ lives were formed God was already orchestrating this story that we are living.  He was moving in our lives to prepare us to be a place of safety, love and peace for these precious girls before they even came into the world.

This was comforting to me on the end of a challenging week.  The girls have been great, we continue to grow into this role as a party of five, but we experienced some challenges on the legal side of our journey.  Everything in my self was shaken with uncertainty and the unknown of how things will play out.  It feels as though we have been standing in line waiting to get on a roller coaster… and we have just taken our seats.  As we took our place I began to see a glimpse of the ride before me, it looks scary and emotional and I’m not sure I have what it takes to get to the end.    (by the way… I don’t like roller coasters, real or metaphorical.)  This reflection of God’s work in our lives reminds me that he is in control, his heart is good and I can rest in knowing these things.

So, to finish up our story from years ago… a month later Daniel got the call offering him the job.  We were beyond surprised. Shocked. Stupified.  Half-way wondering if they called the right guy.  I remember talking with Daniel and saying, I wonder what God is up to here.  It just seemed beyond our imagination… and now I can see that it was – way beyond.

Last week as I was momentarily gripped with the fear of what is before us, I was sharing with my mother as tears streamed down my cheeks, almost unable to speak.  “I haven’t wanted to let myself want them.”   And I realized as much as I have been willing to love fully, there has been a part that is self-protecting, I don’t want to want to keep them because that could leave me desperately hurting.  I have to be guarded.  No doubt we will be sad if these girls leave, but if we allow ourselves to hope that they stay, then their leaving is even more painful.  I can’t imagine the pain of that kind of disappointment.

Surely it is safer not to want.

Kindly, God has had me in the story of Hannah this week.  If you are familiar with this story, Hannah was barren but desperately wanted a child with everything in her being.  I can’t say I could relate to that.  I haven’t walked the path of barrenness.  I haven’t dreamed of carrying a child in my womb.  I used to read this story and think girl, just enjoy your husband. But what I realized in this story is that Hannah owned her desire.  She cried out to God, poured out her soul and in her grief was able to give her desire to the one who could ultimately grant it.  Consider her beauty.

I’m not in that place yet.  If I’m honest, I still operate with a sense of self-protection that has to remind myself these girls could leave.  Things could get dramatic; It might hurt; I have no control.  I don’t believe I’m holding back love but I guess you could say I’m holding back hope.  I have tremendous hope for these girls and the work of God in their lives.  I have less hope that I will be the one that watches them grow…. only because it is scary to hope that way.

As I prayed asking God what it looked like to respond as Hannah did, I had a faint sense that I need to pray for my girls’ mother.  Have I prayed for her lately?  Have I considered that God’s kindness could lead her to repentance?  Have a I considered what is really at stake here?  What if the beautiful ending to their story is one of redemption of their mother, who comes to know God and gets her children back.  What if my part is to point her to Jesus.  What if that means I have loss?  Is it worth it?

What if I’m not God’s best for these girls?

These are the questions of my heart right now.  It’s an uncomfortable place.  I wrestle with flesh and spirit on a daily basis.  I pray for peace in my heart and theirs.  I have to choose to engage with courage, beauty and love trusting that God knows my heart.  I want to live in such a way that I trust God with the deepest desires. I long for his beauty to shine through me as it did with Hannah.  No matter the outcome, I hope my heart lives knowing that he is good.  His praise will ever be on my lips.  Please pray with us.

Love Does, Uncategorized

How the heck we’ve made it this far

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Seriously, I cannot help but laugh at myself when I look back one year at what my life looked like compared to where we are today.  When I take a minute to really give it some thought, it is crazy.  I thought I’d share some of that funny with you.

So, February 2014 we were just completing our licensing, mildly anticipating the possibility of one day having a child come live with us, naively thinking, how hard can this be?

Bahahaha!  If I had only known, I assure you I would have run the other way.  But God in his infinite wisdom let me walk into the deep without knowing much better.

Google… my best friend and worst enemy.  For most new parents, you had 8-9 months to prepare for that first bundle of joy.  You had the opportunity to read What to expect when you’re expecting and all those other mommy/daddy books.  You have an idea of what babies are supposed to do and how you want to parent.  Yeah, we had no real idea.  I depend on Google a lot… unfortunately, as with all things Google… everything turns out to be cancer.  Damn you Google!

In my determination to cure cancer I have discovered essential oils.  Yep, I confess, I’m one of those crazy oil ladies.  When you have two 2 year olds show up and immediately discover they don’t sleep through the night – judge me then.  I promise you will try every possible option to bring your much loved sleep back!  I dove in head first to the oily world.  Especially since we don’t have a doctor willing to see these girlies, my determination to try all things preventative has been magnified.

Pinterest – I am certain this may have come from hell.  Who in the world has time to do that stuff?!?!  It looks so pretty but I get exhausted just reading the instructions.  Seriously, pinterest almost makes me cuss.  Baby girl recently turned 1… pinterest sent me on a dramatic spiral into mommy-guilt.  For a brief moment I had dreams of an elaborate, Winter Onederland birthday celebration complete with a hot-chocolate bar, snow covered marshmallows, snowflake cookie goodies, pendant banners and so much more to celebrate her one year.  Then I realized it was the devil painting those pictures and I was able to pray through that horrible idea, release those demons and give myself a break.  Jesus said, just give her a smash-cake and wrap some presents.  Celebrate survival! amen.

Boogie wipes… have you ever heard of these?  They are amazing.  They smell incredible and they make snotty noses look pretty again.  I have them everywhere.  Seriously, everywhere.  Sometimes, I accidentally wipe my counters with them.  Yeah, maybe not so accidentally.  It works friends. Get-you-some.

Diaper Genie?  Must.have.  Poop stinks. I mean, majorly.  If you are even considering having a baby, go ahead and get you one of these.  It saves my life.  You should probably get one of those guys that comes in twice a week and empties it too.  He’s my hero.

Jamberry nails. Period. If you haven’t heard of these yet, google them.  Better yet, ask me how to reach my friend Katermellon to get in on this thing.  It makes your nails look effortlessly beautiful.  It takes a little bit of time but it can brighten your day.  However, do not, under any circumstances attempt to put these on 3 year old girls.  I had a root-canal that was more fun.  This is torture for both you, the girls and anyone else in the house during the 2 hours you attempt to make this work.  Trust me.  Jamberries are for mommies and big girls.  I’ll give the girls another try in 10 years.

Daycare – they are my best friends.  They kindly tell me all the things I should be doing and expecting and they are one of the greatest parts of our team.  On the other hand, they are also our biggest source for germs.  I love them anyway.

One day, our daycare lady told me baby-girl is almost always constipated.  I looked at her and said “hey, it works for us.”  They suggested giving her prune juice.  Not on my watch.  I’ve heard what prune juice does.  You give her prune juice.  She’s not even crying.  Her diapers are hardly even dirty.  Let’s see how long this can go.  {Don’t you judge me}  Then I found out – there’s an oil for that!  So of course, I gave it a shot.  Well, 10 poopy diapers later (in one day) I cursed the oil, blessed the diaper genie and vowed to serve yogurt every day.  I’m learning.

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate – that is the question.  Well, it’s not really a question for us – we aren’t given an option.  My question is – how do you vaccinate against the vaccination location?  Of course, you have a 30 minute wait in the lobby with no toys whatsoever and you’re supposed to keep a kid from touching every-single-thing or person that walks in the door?  This was like the worst day ever.  Then, you have to watch as they are stabbed multiple times with a needle, their face turns bright red and tears stream as they look and wonder why in the world this just happened. break.my.heart.   I dread the day I have to go back and do this.

And WIC – this is a monster.  The girls get benefits just by nature of the system, but it requires a 4-year degree to navigate the benefits.  If you have multiple children, they each have their own card.  If you ever want to gain evil stares at a grocery store, split your purchase up into 3 separate transactions, stumble through the payment process and try not to explain why you are using both WIC benefits and buying alcohol in the same breath.  Don’t judge me.  Spend 3 days in our shoes and tell me you don’t need a drink.

So, this is just a brief glimpse into my journey of knowledge over the past year.  I am in awe of all you people that have parented for years and lived to tell about it.  Also, for those of you that parented without all these modern conveniences – bless you.  To my mom, you were a trooper.  I would not have judged you if you stopped with 2 kids… but thanks for letting me and Drew stay.   When things get crazy, I laugh knowing, there’s an oil for that too. 🙂

Love.Does.

Love Does

The sound of heaven touching earth

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One Saturday afternoon while having lunch at Chick-fil-a, the twins bounced back and forth between playing in the play zone and taking tiny bites of chicken nuggets.  It probably took over an hour to get through a 4-count meal but we just went with the flow of the fun happening around us.  As I was packing up all three girls another mother stopped me and said she had been watching us and my girls are beautiful.  They are clean, calm and it just looks like you have it all together.  I smiled.  “Thank you.”

That moment absolutely fed every distortion I have about trying to tackle this role of motherhood.  She saw a glimpse of calm in what I consider to be madness.  She kindly offered her perspective based on a small point of time.  I could have stopped with my “thank you” but I felt the need to be more honest.  As she commented that she is the mother of three boys I understood why my crazy looked lovely.  I just looked at her and said, “girl, I go to bed exhausted every night, wondering how we made it through another day.”  Solidarity.  I shared my pain, I feel your pain. I’m no different than you are.

Let’s be honest, when someone acknowledges that all your hard work adds up to achieve your goal of “having it all together” it feels good.  But the truth is I was a mess.  I cannot guarantee the girls even had a bath the night before.  Cute clothes can cover a multitude of flaws.  I hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in months.  Our biggest hope was being in public without the girls using any special four letter words.  So when I heard that affirmation of “you’re doing well” I recognized it wasn’t what I was really after.

What it really touched in me was this desire to be seen, known and have someone in my boat.  I don’t want to be in a boat that looks like it has it all together when truth is my head is barely above water. I wanted her to know I can relate to the chaos of three littles and while boys are undoubtedly different than girls, this glimpse of togetherness she sees is not reality.  I am tired.  Sometimes I lose my patience.  Sometimes I cry because I cannot imagine how we are going to get through the night, much less the week, months or years.  Stranger, I want to hug your neck and say I see you, I feel your pain and I am right here with you.

I find myself more than ever longing for community, people that know me and love me even when I’m ugly.  This new stage in life has stirred that desire more as I am recognizing that I have greater needs – sometimes I just need help.  I don’t expect everyone to understand why we do what we do or how we got into this place but I do long for the people around me to support what we believe is our calling right now.  I gain such strength when you offer encouragement and support, knowing that you are praying for us and our girls.  It gives me hope and a sense of team.  Recently, I had a friend who cannot understand where we are coming from, question why we still have these girls.  The thought of this being somewhat open-ended shocked her and she was clearly not on our page of this story.  Honestly, it hurt me to have to defend why we are committed to these girls.  Feelings of being misunderstood and doubt plagued me.

Why am I doing this?

Later that evening I was catching a look at a music video I shared recently of Bethel Music’s It is Well.  The girls wanted to watch it too so I put it on the TV.  Immediately they were engulfed in the song, dancing and trying to sing along.  Sissy says she wants to learn to sing up there like her.  She wants her sister to be with her too.  She said that we (mom & dad) could sit in the chair.  “What chair do you want mommy?”  Baby girl, we will be on the front row!

As we sat and watched our girls singing, dancing and dreaming of being big, our hearts melted.  This is what it’s all about.  We are raising girls that will know love.  I dream of them growing to know the deep love of the father that is crafting their story, pursuing their hearts and longs for relationship.  I want them to experience worship and grow up to lead others to the throne of God.  I hear the sounds of heaven touching earth.

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We are in this for eternity; not for fun, not for extra credit but for a chance to impact eternity.  I can’t expect everyone to understand that, especially those that have no concept of the larger story.  All I can do is hope that in the midst of our craziness they see love – a love that is worth the pain, the chaos and the sacrifice.  And if it happens to look like we have it all together, then praise God 🙂

Love Does, My Story

Here I am!

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You know how you can have a goal, maybe something like writing at least one post a week?  Then life happens and you can’t even imagine how to put into words where you are.  Well, here I am –  right between 2014 and 2016 in a place of certain uncertainty, unanswerable questions and hope for grace.

We’ve started the new year, welcoming a fresh start and feeling a sense of settledness into this family of five.  I am beyond happy to say that we tend to be sleeping more nights than not.  What was once our biggest challenge has eased into a periodic inconvenience.  5 months. 5 sleepy months.

We are definitely in a place of the in-betweens.  In between what’s known and unknown.  In between a rock and a hard place.  Some days are a conscious choice to stay in this moment, focus on what has to be done right now and not worry about what might be.  Please pray for us.

I hope you know that there are many things we are not allowed to share for privacy / confidentiality reasons.  Many of you have asked if we are going to adopt… all I can say is… only God knows!  I will give a few thoughts on that question:

  1. We didn’t get into this with the intentions of adoption
  2. Fostering is almost always with a goal of reunification but as you are aware, cases can turn into adoption
  3. Just because children are in foster care does not mean they are up for adoption
  4. There are a lot of things that have to not go right before children are adopted into a foster family
  5. Hoping for adoption almost always means you have to hope that someone else fails
  6. Obviously, these girls have our hearts

This is our in-between.  It’s a fine line that has to be towed – not just by us but by all foster parents.  One person’s gain is another person’s loss.  Rarely is it just one person that loses.  Behind every child are parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles that wish for something more.  Yes, it might be their own choices that have brought about the outcome but that doesn’t make the hurt any less.   We live in a fallen world.  There will be pain.  My prayer is that in these cases adoption brings about a redemption of that pain and a restoration of what was lost.

So where are we?  We are earnestly praying for God’s wisdom in every decision we make and grace for any mistakes.  I naively thought I wouldn’t have to face a question of adoption but realize this is something that we have to consider at some point.  I think back to all the decisions we’ve made based on two people.  Our house is perfect for two people and maybe a couple of guests.  Add in 3 girls and we’re kind-of bursting at the seams.  We picked our home in proximity to fun, not in consideration of school zones, traffic patterns, playgrounds and room for helpers.  Our town is a dream for many but when you add in a bunch of kiddos there is a lot to be said for living in the same area as family.  It can almost be overwhelming to consider what might need to change if we were to pursue any type of permanency whether it’s this placement or the next…

In the midst of these moments, the questions, the uncertainty I recognize a change in my own heart.  I shift from being overwhelmed and thinking “this cannot be my life forever”  to thinking “I can’t imagine my life being different”.  Then there’s a deep gut-level knowing that I have very little control over this (if any at all).

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

Here I am.  Hoping, trusting and leaning on Jesus.  I can’t let myself hope for a certain outcome, just trust that His purposes are good. Sometimes as we are tempted to give in to hopelessness or anxiety, we are reminded that His heart is good towards us.  It’s easy to see how His heart is good for these children but sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we are His children too.  His heart is good towards me.

My job right now, in this moment, is to love with all that I have, offering life and rest to those that God brings into my life.  If I get caught up in the what-ifs then I lose focus on the right-now.  I have a chance to make sweet memories with three precious girls and one amazing husband.  I truly have no idea where this year may take us, how things will unfold or what may be asked of us.  But I know that if I lean on the cross, trust His faithfulness and walk in obedience then I’m going to be ok.

We invite you to pray with us.  We need to hear from the Lord.  Selfishly, we would like the story to unfold with as little drama as possible – so you can decide how you want to pray about that. 😉  Please pray for these girls, and the ones that have already passed through our home.  I pray over them words of hope, words of love and a promise for their future.  Jesus, give them a beautiful future.  We have practical needs too, we really need to find a primary care provider (preferably Pediatric) and have hit road blocks left and right.  We aren’t the only ones in a state of in-between.  There are many children that are in limbo.  Please pray that God will stir hearts to love and accept those around us.  And we have many other foster parents, even in our network, that are in the in-betweens of the foster and adoption callings – please pray for Grace, for protection and for wisdom on their behalf as well.

Love Does, My Story, Uncategorized

The soundtrack of my year

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I love the New Year.  The close of a year always brings about a time of reflection for me and anticipation of the fresh start for the coming one.  I’m not big on resolutions, I just like the feeling of opening a new chapter.

As I reflect on 2014 there are many things to celebrate but in the midst I also remember the pains of disappointment and growth that have occurred.  I’m not very old, but I think it’s safe to say this has been the hardest year of my life.  Not necessarily bad… just hard.  I know there will be losses in my future that will likely overshadow this year, but to this point 2014 takes the crown.

In the early part of the year I struggled with significant disappointment where I expected God to come through and meet my expectations, but He didn’t.  I don’t think He failed me in any way.  I was just forced to realize that my ways are not His ways yet that does not change His goodness.  I haven’t faced a lot of disappointment in my life so this was incredibly difficult for me to process, yet necessary for my own growth.  There were days when I couldn’t even talk.  My faith cup was so low that when true tests came I had nothing to draw from, just simply praying – please move.  and He did.

I feel like this year has been a sequence of songs.  I was first introduced to the song Oceans by Hillsong United in the spring.  My heart sang, take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.  This quickly turned into a greater realization that grace abounds in deepest waters.  More than once I felt like we had gone in over our heads.

As we jumped into our foster care journey I remember talking with Daniel about how challenging this could potentially be.  Boy did we underestimate that!  Initially we were just going to be licensed for short-term, respite care.  We felt like God was calling us to more, so we accepted a more permanent placement in April.  My heart was officially broken for the pain in this world, what it is costing innocent children and the hopelessness of it all.  I have never seen God so clearly as how I have seen Him move on behalf of these children.  Friends, if you ever wonder where God is, get involved in orphan care.  He is moving.  The pain of our first placement brought me to a desperate place of trusting God like I never knew before.  For the first time I can recall we were making decisions that had huge implications and to avoid the pain would have been the easy way out.  God’s purposes were bigger and I can see from this side that His work in our lives had prepared us for that moment.  His heart for that child was always good and we were just a small part of her story.  As I grieved that loss the song It is Well from Bethel Music carried my heart through.  That CD was on constant replay, with that song repeated endlessly.  It didn’t always feel well, but as I proclaimed it I was able to see God’s faithfulness.

Then came the dream that changed everything.  We were on a break but got a call about twin girls needing a place immediately.  Everything about this situation was outside of my comfort zone and carefully constructed boundaries – but God had prepared us for more.  The song You Make Me Brave also from Bethel Music was instrumental in our Yes.  In the first few weeks of the twins’ arrival, I had this song on repeat as well… trying to grip that courage that is in my essence and be brave for these girls and myself.  Sinking was not an option.

In 2012 and 2013 we had a sense that we were in a season of “rest”.  If I had known what we were being prepared for I probably would have embraced it more 🙂  The past four months have been the most life giving, sleep deprived, grace-filled, baptism by fire, laughter infused, princess permeated, pink months of my life. Our hearts have been stretched to the size of three little girls.  I would have never imagined this being our life. ever. in a million years.  God is funny.

When I was younger, I planned to be an attorney, marry rich, make lots of money and have no kids.  {take a moment to laugh}  I am now happily married to someone in the military, work for a ministry (non-profit) and have 3 kids – that aren’t even mine.

The dictionary defines vulnerable as capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt.  I had a friend ask me recently if I feel like I’m naked on the internet when I share through blogs.  I really hadn’t even thought about it that way.  Really, I just feel honest.  We are in an incredibly vulnerable place.  As our days increase with these girls, our hearts become more knit and our potential for pain grows.  WE covet your prayers.  I don’t want to hold back, from you or them.  I want you to hear our story.  I want you to walk with us because we cannot do this alone.  I want these girls to know a love that’s deep and not reserved just because of potential pain.  As I consider what this next year could bring, I admit there is a bit of fear.  I cannot control this story; I can only trust the one who is writing it.  Deep down I have to believe that the joy of love will be greater than the pain of loss.

Yesterday as the twins joined us in the worship part of our service Prissy stood with hands raised as we sang the verse “I’m gonna lift my hands, til I can reach Heaven.”  I smiled as I dream of her leading worship for the next generation.  I can dream for her.  I might not always be a part of their lives but I can dream that this season will be instrumental in who they become.  I pray for their future, please join with me.  I am thrilled when I ask what they learned in their class and they say “Jesus!  Mommy, I learned Jesus!”  –  that’s all we can do.  Teach them Jesus.  And love.

Thanks for sticking around for this long-winded post.  I just wanted to recap our year and share some of my heart’s thoughts.  I might get something else out before the end of the year.   If not, as you close up 2014 and look into this coming year, please take time to celebrate the good, release the bad and invite God to write your story for what’s next.  It might be drastically different than what you expect things to look like… but sometimes that’s good.

Psalm 65:11   You crown the year with your bounty, and your carts overflow with abundance.

That’s a wrap!

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Photo credit to http://www.littlemisscreativestudio.com

 

Love Does

Sweet 16

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16 weeks.  That’s how far we’ve made it.  16 funny, adventurous, some even painful weeks.  Thank you for walking with us.

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

  1. If you feed them, they will poop. Possibly even simultaneously.  I’m convinced that is a super power used against me.
  2. Babies are the best cuddlers.
  3. Sugar, yeah, that has immediate effects. {I apologize to all parents of children I previously gave candy, soda, coffee, or any type of stimulant to in the past.}
  4. Syrup at Waffle House?  See #3.  It’s just sugar.
  5. Sleep is a luxury.  Don’t count on it.
  6. 3 year olds have their own reality and it makes no sense at all.  Crying requires no reason.  If you try to figure it out your head might explode.  Just give them a jelly bean.
  7. My husband is a master at dodging diapers.  He hasn’t changed one yet.  His time will come.
  8. Mommy-shame / guilt –  that’s a choice.  You gotta let it go.  Survival is the goal, ain’t no shame in that.
  9. It takes a lot of work to get out the door.  It used to only be opening it… now it is so much more.
  10. Just teach them Jesus.  The rest will work itself out.  (wise words from another mother)

In all seriousness, the past few months have been baptism by fire but I think we’re finally getting the hang of it.  I have the utmost respect for all mothers out there – dads too!  I have seen my sweet husband step up in ways I never expected of him.  But as I’ve said before, he has a weakness for brown-eyed-girls.

Please pray with us.  Please pray for us.  In the next 10 days we have some major decisions happening and we are trusting God for His purposes in the lives of these girls and our own.  Please pray for wisdom for those making decisions and safety for all involved.

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