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My heart is tender this week.  Seasons are changing and I can’t help but acknowledge the array of feelings.  Gratitude. Thankfulness. Tenderness. Sadness. Where do I begin?

Grace. Each feeling comes down to grace.  As I’ve thought recently about the upcoming month, the holidays and the excitement that surrounds 3 little girls I am pointed back to God’s grace in my life. You see, when I consider God’s grace and faithfulness, I am filled with gratitude and thanksgiving.  At the same time, I am tender and saddened for our girls’ birth mother.  I’ve seen a lot of foster / adoptive moms write about birth mothers recognizing that in so many ways, “they’re just like me”.  But this week I’ve realized in so many ways, we are just different.

Dear birth mother, I am in no way better than you, but in many ways different.  In the beginning, I’ll be honest, I resented you.  After all, this calling has been costly and many times I have resented that your choices have cost your children greatly. I resented that at times it feels like I am also paying for your mistakes.  But I have asked God to help me see you through eyes of grace – and now my heart hurts for you.

Your sin is no greater than my own, in this way we are the same.  The consequences may be different, but we are both sinners in need of grace.  I have no idea what it is like to struggle with addiction – I can’t begin to relate – but I can imagine that it is painfully hard and often hopeless.  I have to believe that your heart is broken by what this has cost you.

As I look forward to Christmas with three giggling girls, baby’s first birthday and her soon-to-be first steps there is this ever-present feeling that this isn’t my right.  You are somewhere, wishing this were you.  I feel the weight of that. I hurt for you.  You carried these girls.  You bore the pain of birth.  They carry your image, your personality and a love for you I can never know.

I promise to honor you, even when it is hard.  I promise to let your girls talk of you with their own fondness and memories.  And I promise to always seek to offer grace.

I look back on my life and wonder what made me who I am today.  It still comes down to grace.  It’s by God’s grace that I have the family I have, the opportunities I had and the life that I enjoy.  Her story could just as easily have been mine but I had parents that fought for me, loved me unconditionally, sacrificed for me and gave me every opportunity for success.  I met my Savior at a young age.  I can’t help but wonder if she ever had the same… what is her story?  Has she seen God’s grace?

It is often tempting to judge in these situations and many like these. But friends, we cannot understand the struggle others face.  I pray you are able to offer grace to those around you and never take for granted the grace that has been poured out on your own life.   As we celebrate Thanksgiving and enter into the season of Christmas do not lose sight of the gift of grace, the sacrifice of love and the hope of glory.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, the saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.

“Abraham did not choose what the sacrifice would be. Always guard against self-chosen service for God. Self-sacrifice may be a disease that impairs your service. If God has made your cup sweet, drink it with grace; or even if He has made it bitter, drink it in communion with Him. If the providential will of God means a hard and difficult time for you, go through it. But never decide the place of your own martyrdom, as if to say, “I will only go there, but no farther.”  – Oswald Chambers

A friend shared this recently and it pierced right to my heart. I was immediately convicted of my self-chosen sacrifice. A sacrifice that fit within my “box” of specifics that I could handle and still maintain a sense of control. But God has brought us into more.

The past two months have revealed deep lies I have believed and as life has touched these it has forced me to face whether I believe the lies or I believe the truth of who God says I am. In some ways, I feel like a mine-field… someone with even the best intentions could say something and trigger the pain of these lies and I am left picking up the pieces, repenting and trusting God for healing.

Who knew that saying yes to this placement would uncover such deep places in my own life? I feel certain things are being touched that would have never been revealed outside of the current situation. I have spent three months wondering why God chose me for these girls, when really I am now seeing that God chose these girls for me. There are places that He wanted to reveal, lies that need to be broken and pain that needs to be touched that never would have been uncovered had we not said yes.

This.is.painful. Some days I fail completely. Some days I am grumpy and I do not invite my domain into life, beauty and rest. Some days I am so focused on what it is costing me that I can’t see straight. And sometimes, someone tells me what it is costing them… and I am undone. And God brings me back to a place of seeing who He is, who He says I am and how He is graciously pursuing me to be all that He created me to be.

I can see now how my own limitations we set in our foster process were a sort of “self-chosen service” for God. Pretty much saying, yes God, we’ll serve but this is how far I am willing to go. Then God clearly called us into something more. Something that broke all the boundaries I had set. This is just as hard as I ever imagined – which is  precisely why I had the boundaries I had. But God is after something much deeper in my life and it required a bigger obedience than I would have chosen. But He is gracious. I am tired of growing… but I can’t stop here. The growing pains are indeed a pain but I feel the comfort and love of those around me that are speaking truth, comforting and walking with me as I grow further into the woman God created me to be. (Even though it looks completely different than what I ever imagined.)

My heart is tender, but I feel loved, seen and cherished. I know God is up to big things in my life, my marriage and the lives of these girls. I am trusting that His heart is good and I am being made whole and a better representation of Him.

I wrote parts of this two weeks ago as we were just getting used to the addition of Baby Girl to our little family.  We had prepared as much as we knew how but as you can imagine, you can’t be ready for everything.  We had significant challenges with the twins regressing behaviorally once the baby arrived. I’m not sure why – because they really wanted her to move in. I was in no way prepared for them to act-out the way they did that first weekend. Friday evening, I was ready to give up, cry, give everyone back and declare defeat. After a little bit of sleep and little bit of structure, I started to come out of the pit of despair and believe God might still be here.

That Sunday morning I took the big girls to church and it was truly a divine appointment for me to be refilled. As I entered into worship and allowed the Lord to minister to my weary heart I realized that these are but light and momentary trials. Yes, I would love to sleep 9-10 hours a night, but losing a couple of those hours is not going to kill me. Yes, I would love relief from the bed-time battles we are currently enduring, but that is nothing compared to the suffering Christ went through for me… to be called a daughter of the King. It’s all a matter of perspective!

In two songs the lines, “I need you” or “you are all I need” were repeated and I realized, He is more than enough. I don’t have all the grace, love or energy to make it through this calling but God is all I need. It was somehow freeing to recognize that my “suffering” is small in comparison and to know that God can work through me. I can honestly say, I don’t have what it takes to raise three little girls. I am painfully aware of my fallenness. But, for some reason, God has chosen me for this chapter of their lives and if I stop trying to do everything in my own strength and give Him a chance to work, then we just might make it. It might not be as pretty as I want, but suffering, crucifixion and death is not always pretty.

In my Battle Prep this morning I reflected on the passion of Jesus.

His great love for the Father and His great love for you carried Him through His suffering all the way to the cross.

He went to the cross so that I might become the woman He created me to be, a woman who knows Him and reveals and represents Him now and forever.  What depths of love.

What does revealing Him look like?  Sometimes it looks like laughing at the silliness of little girls.  Sometimes it looks like wiping away the tears when they cry for their mommy.  Or holding them as they face the fears of the night.  Or singing of His love over them.  We are in a battle; but through the cross I can be confident of the victory.

I am deeply grateful for everyone’s love and support. I have truly felt the fellowship propel me into my part of this story. I am thrilled to say that we are reaching a rhythm and things seem to be settling down. I see hope. I feel the prayers of many on our behalf. I am loved by the Father and I see his love for these girls. And in this moment…. I’m not giving up.

I get so much credit for how beautiful our little girls are.  I just smile and say, I know! whenever anyone mentions it.  I think it’s easy to agree because I know I had absolutely nothing to do with it.  It’s just a God thing.  People that don’t know our story have no idea these aren’t our girls.  And sometimes, for just a moment, I can feel the same way.

It is so funny to watch their unique personalities develop and even funnier when I see how much they are like us.  Maybe it’s just me wanting to think they are like me… but there are plenty of times I also say – that’s definitely not my child 😉

I can’t help but smile when the twinsies stand in my bathroom, watching carefully each step of my morning routine to apply my make-up, put in my tic-tacs (contacts) and use my straightener (that’s hot, don’t touch!).  I remember being a little girl and watching my own mother apply her make-up, questioning each step, what is that?  What does it do?  When do I get to wear it?

Or what about the time that the girls were looking through my wedding album, asking tons of questions about our special day:  Why are you wearing a bedspread?  Why does Daniel look like that?  Whose car is that?  Where are you going?  When I told them we went on a “trip” for our honeymoon – Lord have mercy! –  they broke out in tears.  “Without me!?!  But I wanted to go!!!”     Girly, that was 10 years ago.  You were not even thought of yet.

But my favorite yet happened just the other day.  We were having lunch at a local place in my hometown that I always go to primarily because of their Ranch dressing.   {I am a self-admitted Ranch addict.}  When Prissy noticed me dipping my crackers in Ranch she wanted to know if it was good.  Well, of course it is good, don’t you like Ranch dressing?  Then she asked if she could try it.  So I carefully made her a little cup… (she’s a double dipper)… and much to her surprise, she loved it.  She looked at me and said  “Can we drink it?!”

I just smiled.  Sweet girl, you are my child.