Category: My Story

The way of surrender ultimately involves hard choices of letting go of what we think we want so we can choose what we truly want, thus following the deep desires the Father has placed within us.   – Women’s Team Equipping Module 1, Reality 2

The way of surrender.  What does that really mean in my life, right now?  I always viewed surrender as giving up, like in a battle.  Recently God has revealed to me that surrender looks like laying down my thoughts for his, my ways for his ways, my desires for his desires.  It isn’t giving up, it’s choosing to let go and trust his goodness.  You have had the chance to watch my journey into surrender.  When I started sharing my story I had no idea I was on this path, I thought I was on a crazy train and needed people to just pray we didn’t crash.  As I look back over the last 7 months I realize that God has been carefully working a plan and all along the way I have moved into the position of surrender.

I shared early on about the dream that a friend had that paved the way for us to say yes to these three precious girls.  In so many ways that dream went against everything I ever planned for my life.  I had to believe that if God went through all that work to get a message to me I should probably give him a chance.  One piece of that dream that I didn’t share, one word that had such huge significance, I left it out because of fear.    Forever.   When she shared her dream she clearly said, forever.  You will be getting twins. Babies. For you to keep.  Forever.

Why am I sharing this now?  Because I’m finally ready.  I have to be honest, the idea of forever was beyond overwhelming.  It is much of what took my breath away that day.  It is the main reason I couldn’t speak for days.  It was pretty much everything I said I would avoid.  Forever.  Commitment.

As Daniel and I have prayed for direction the past few months we have finally taken the step to submit our application for adoption.  This does not mean that the girls are even adoptable.  This means that if our case were to come to the point of adoption, we want to be ready.  Seven months later, almost to the day, I finally surrendered to the idea of forever and we mailed off our application.

I can’t share where things are with the girls but I can always share where we are.  As I was praying yesterday after I had an incredibly frustrating morning getting the girls ready, I cried out to God, “are we doing the right thing?”  Is this really from you?  Or are we going to be those people that accidentally adopted three kids without knowing what we were doing?  In that time I had a clear moment of realizing all the reasons I had for saying no to forever were driven by selfishness, fear and control.   All the reasons I had for saying yes to forever were driven by love, eternal purposes and desires that truly reflect God’s heart.  If I am one day judged for this decision, I would much rather defend desires that reflect God’s heart than try to defend my own selfish heart.  This sealed my deal.  I am all in.  I will not question again if this is right.

As I spent time in my Battle Prep I should not have been surprised by its focus on the way of surrender.  I reflected again on the story of Mary and the angel that came with the word that she would be the mother to the Son of God.  She is the perfect model of surrender.  Her response: “May your word to me be fulfilled.”   That was not my response.  My response was more like, “You have to be kidding me.  God, do you have the right girl?”   It has taken seven pain and joy filled months for me to move from, God, you’re crazy… to God, I see your heart and I surrender.  I wish I was faster, but there were baby steps along the way.

Move out today in humility and courage, knowing that as you respond to God’s desires for your life you too will bring life to many, even to those you may never meet until heaven.   –  Women’s Team Equipping Module 1, Reality 2  (Battle for the Heart)

I share these things because I can’t help but believe that God is stirring your hearts as well.  I don’t think he just picked me for surrender… there are things in all of our lives that seem much bigger than what we had planned and God is calling us to more.  I know it seems scary.  It is incredibly risky.  But I have to believe it is worth it.  You may never fully see the people you will touch as you surrender to God’s call on your life.  Please, don’t hold back.  For your sake.  For my sake. For the sake of those around you. Trust his faithfulness.

I still question if I have what it takes to be the mother these girls need, to survive each day, week, month, years.  I have asked God to show me how he sees me so I can walk more confidently in this place.  As Daniel and I were driving to pick up the girls from school I shared with him the confirmation I had earlier in the day.  He felt led to share with me that he had been praying as well and just really had a sense that I was built for this.  He believes that God has built me for this.  I truly heard the voice of God through him saying, I have created you for this.  Daniel didn’t know what I had prayed that afternoon.  All he knew was to respond to what God had showed him… and it spoke straight to my questioning heart.  Tears filled my eyes as I felt the love of my husband and the love of a heavenly father that spoke through him.

All this to say… we’re all in folks.  We desperately covet your prayers as we continue on this journey of surrender.  We also know that there is the possibility that our move to adoption may not happen.  I have to live with the honesty of our desire and the risk of it not being realized.  I have to trust that God didn’t stir this in my heart just to bring pain.  This was never my plan, I have to believe it is his.  I have to share with you my story, in hopes that it gives you courage, just as Mary did to me.  When God invites us into His Larger Story, it might cost you all that you are, but it is worth it.

Just a quick warning…there might be some brutal honesty…and it’s not always pretty.

I am a dates girl.  I remember random dates and events and much of my memory is organized in chronological order.  So it’s no surprise as I was going to bed Friday night that I was reminded of the Friday before Valentine’s four years ago.  Daniel was wrapping up his year of training and we were in the beginnings of a job search for him.  We traveled to the air-force base for an interview and planned a weekend get-away to celebrate Valentine’s Day.  He spent about 3 hours in the interview that afternoon and came out absolutely pitiful.  It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever seen as a wife.  He was very discouraged, disheartened and certain that there was no likelihood of getting that position.  In the car ride he said, “one thing’s for sure, if I were to get that job, there would be no doubt that God did it.”

As I was thinking about that weekend my mind also wondered to where the girls would have been at that time.  Based on their birth date, I am guessing that their mother would have just found out she was pregnant at that time.  Somewhere around 6-8 weeks.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, … Jeremiah 1:5

It took my breath away.  Seriously, I was taken aback when I considered that about the time that these girls’ lives were formed God was already orchestrating this story that we are living.  He was moving in our lives to prepare us to be a place of safety, love and peace for these precious girls before they even came into the world.

This was comforting to me on the end of a challenging week.  The girls have been great, we continue to grow into this role as a party of five, but we experienced some challenges on the legal side of our journey.  Everything in my self was shaken with uncertainty and the unknown of how things will play out.  It feels as though we have been standing in line waiting to get on a roller coaster… and we have just taken our seats.  As we took our place I began to see a glimpse of the ride before me, it looks scary and emotional and I’m not sure I have what it takes to get to the end.    (by the way… I don’t like roller coasters, real or metaphorical.)  This reflection of God’s work in our lives reminds me that he is in control, his heart is good and I can rest in knowing these things.

So, to finish up our story from years ago… a month later Daniel got the call offering him the job.  We were beyond surprised. Shocked. Stupified.  Half-way wondering if they called the right guy.  I remember talking with Daniel and saying, I wonder what God is up to here.  It just seemed beyond our imagination… and now I can see that it was – way beyond.

Last week as I was momentarily gripped with the fear of what is before us, I was sharing with my mother as tears streamed down my cheeks, almost unable to speak.  “I haven’t wanted to let myself want them.”   And I realized as much as I have been willing to love fully, there has been a part that is self-protecting, I don’t want to want to keep them because that could leave me desperately hurting.  I have to be guarded.  No doubt we will be sad if these girls leave, but if we allow ourselves to hope that they stay, then their leaving is even more painful.  I can’t imagine the pain of that kind of disappointment.

Surely it is safer not to want.

Kindly, God has had me in the story of Hannah this week.  If you are familiar with this story, Hannah was barren but desperately wanted a child with everything in her being.  I can’t say I could relate to that.  I haven’t walked the path of barrenness.  I haven’t dreamed of carrying a child in my womb.  I used to read this story and think girl, just enjoy your husband. But what I realized in this story is that Hannah owned her desire.  She cried out to God, poured out her soul and in her grief was able to give her desire to the one who could ultimately grant it.  Consider her beauty.

I’m not in that place yet.  If I’m honest, I still operate with a sense of self-protection that has to remind myself these girls could leave.  Things could get dramatic; It might hurt; I have no control.  I don’t believe I’m holding back love but I guess you could say I’m holding back hope.  I have tremendous hope for these girls and the work of God in their lives.  I have less hope that I will be the one that watches them grow…. only because it is scary to hope that way.

As I prayed asking God what it looked like to respond as Hannah did, I had a faint sense that I need to pray for my girls’ mother.  Have I prayed for her lately?  Have I considered that God’s kindness could lead her to repentance?  Have a I considered what is really at stake here?  What if the beautiful ending to their story is one of redemption of their mother, who comes to know God and gets her children back.  What if my part is to point her to Jesus.  What if that means I have loss?  Is it worth it?

What if I’m not God’s best for these girls?

These are the questions of my heart right now.  It’s an uncomfortable place.  I wrestle with flesh and spirit on a daily basis.  I pray for peace in my heart and theirs.  I have to choose to engage with courage, beauty and love trusting that God knows my heart.  I want to live in such a way that I trust God with the deepest desires. I long for his beauty to shine through me as it did with Hannah.  No matter the outcome, I hope my heart lives knowing that he is good.  His praise will ever be on my lips.  Please pray with us.