Holding on to hope…

Some days I find myself longing for hope.

Life is heavy.  As I came before the Lord today I was invited to bring my fears, cares and worries to Him – lay them at His feet.  It felt like I was carrying a load of worries, frustrations and fear.  There are too many what-ifs to count but I dumped them at the feet of the One who knows.

My tears come quickly, I feel tender and weak.  I sat this morning across the table from the girls’ therapist and the tears sneaked their way out.  I felt silly.  I felt undone.  I felt messy.  I don’t cry pretty.

There seems to be so many things going on in and around me of which I have no control, merely hope of an outcome that meets my desires.  As much as I try to avoid pain, I even more try to keep others from experiencing pain.  I am number 3 of 4 children.  I love each of my siblings deeply.  I cannot even express the depths of that love.  So when I perceive that one is at risk of pain, it is almost unbearable for me.

When I was younger, I remember if my little brother was sick then I undoubtedly became sick with sympathy – it was probably mental.  But even now, if I hear that he is sick I feel it in myself.  It’s crazy.  We are twins born 14 months apart. 😉  I’m pretty sure I picked him out in the womb and told him to wait just a minute – he was up next.

This week has been hard for him (and his beautiful wife) as they faced [what seemed like] devastating news.  Immediately God provided people to speak truth and hope into their situation.  As I considered their pain I was overwhelmed, physically trembling and seeking the Lord.  As I prayed I was reminded of God’s promise in Jeremiah of a Hope & a Future.

Hope is defined as the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best.     – I longed for hope.

I find myself longing for hope – hope for them, hope for my girls, hope for me… God give us hope.  There are many uncertainties in life and we are walking a path that is filled with them.  It’s hard sometimes to even know what to hope for.  As I have prayed hope into these situations my brother shared that I seem so strong and fragile at the same time.  He hopes my heart can handle this.  Well… I think he’s right on.  I feel fragile and the more I allow myself to feel, the more fragile I become, but shutting down and denying the pain that is around me is not fully living.  It is when I come to these places of weakness that I am better able to see God.  Show me your Glory; let your goodness pass before me, right before my eyes.

“In weakness I rise, remembering you hold my world.

I’m holding on to hope, I’m holding on to grace.

I’m fully letting go, I’m surrendered to your ways.

….  I will remember your promise forever…     – Anchor, Bethel Music & Leah Mari

I am given courage as I begin to reflect on God’s past faithfulness, his goodness and the hope that is to come.  My heart longs for life to be easy, calm and lovely – but it is a glorious mess.

I pray for hope. I pray for grace. I pray that in the midst of pain we see God.  As I hold our girls, I claim the promise of a hope and a future for them.  I believe God is writing a good story for them.   When I pray for my brother and the challenges he faces, I hold on to hope – knowing that God is bigger.  Sometimes our job is simply to hold hope for someone else.

Romans 4:18  Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed…  (21) fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.   (go read this chapter)

I have to believe God honors hope.  I plan to do a further study on this because God knows we need it 🙂  You friends, give me hope.  Thank you for standing in the gap – even when you don’t realize that’s what you are doing.

Hope stands renewed.