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The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind.  After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.  And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.    (I Kings 19:11-13)

I have had a long-standing fascination with God’s glory.  I’ve said it before, but I am simply in awe of the stories where God shows up.  I live in a place of anticipation, hoping and wondering what he will do next.  The story above of Elijah and the story of Moses on Mt. Sinai, these are two of my favorites.

God told Elijah to go stand on the mountain, for the Lord is about to pass by.  {Whoo!  I get goosebumps thinking about it.}  Then a great wind came, but God was not in the wind.  The came an earthquake, but God was not in the earthquake.  Then came a fire, but God was not in the fire.  After all of these came a gentle whisper…. And he knew this was the Lord.

I don’t know about you but I tend to expect God to be somewhere in the wind, earthquake and fire… but I am learning, practicing and seeking to find God in his gentle whisper.  I’m tempted to think that when I don’t feel the wind and earthquake or see the fire that God must not be near… but I have found that he is longing for me to know his voice – that still small voice.

When the twins first moved in with us we could not tell them apart at all.  Seriously.  One of them had a white sun-spot-dot on her cheek and that was the closest thing that we could identify as a distinguishing mark.  Once summer passed that white dot faded and we were in trouble.  I promise you they heard “which one are you” more times than they ever heard their names.

But then something happened.  Over time I could tell them apart by their voices.  I kid you not, the first way I was able to distinguish them was by the different tone of their chipmunk voices.

I will say it was helpful one day when Elisabeth got a hair barrette stuck between her front two teeth that resulted in a gap… then we had a definite tell to distinguish them.  But still to this day, knowing their voices gives me the most confidence.

In the same way I have learned in relationship that knowing God’s voice is the key to finding him – in the midst or in the absence of the wind, quake and fire my heart must be tuned to hear his voice, even when it is a whisper.

Similarly to Elijah, in a place of frustration and desperation, Moses cried out to God, show me your glory.  I admire their determination.  That’s a pretty bold thing to request.  I find it interesting that in both instances God sent them to the mountain and honored their request.  The thing that is so striking to me about Moses’ experience is that God’s response to him is I will let my goodness pass before you and I will proclaim my name before you.  (Exodus 33:19a)

The next day Moses climbs up the mountain and did what the Lord commanded him.

Then the Lord passed by in front of him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in loving-kindness and truth;”  Exodus 34:6

All Moses could do was bow down and worship.  When he heard the voice of the Lord calling out his own goodness –  his first response was worship.

These two stories are so significant to me.  I haven’t yet comprehended all the reasons why this resonates within me, but it has something to do with two key things:  1) his gentle whisper and 2) his glory is known through his goodness.

Moses prayed “show me your glory”; God responded with, this is who I am.  I am compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in loving-kindness and truth.  You want to see my glory?  See my goodness.

Around this time last year I wrote the post, Name the Graces.  Obviously I’m still in the place of seeking to see God’s glory.  I’m beginning to see a theme here; maybe God is trying to show me something.  So I have been practicing asking God to show me his goodness, in everything.  Naming the graces, even when things don’t look the way I want.

When I have thoughts that say I didn’t get something right, an unanswered prayer is obviously punishment for all the ways I have fallen short, or who am I to think I deserve God’s goodness…. I am able to test them against his words in Exodus.  I am compassionate, gracious, slow to anger and abounding in loving-kindness and truth…  and I can hear his gentle whisper reminding me that he never changes.  His goodness is more than I can imagine, and his love for me is overwhelming.  Yes, I may miss the mark and need correcting, but he does so with loving-kindness. It’s in knowing his still small voice that I am able to recognize his goodness, and I’m humbled.

And from that place, I am motivated – not just to recognize his goodness but to be a channel of his goodness.  I don’t share my story simply for my own benefit… my sincere desire is that through our story you are able to see God’s glory.  Y’all, I fail, daily.  Some days I am embarrassed to even be called a parent.  Just the other day I found myself half-way yelling at a child that if I had to tell her one more time to do “something” I was going to eat her cookie right in front of her…. Because that is grace.  Clearly, that is grace.  I cannot tell you how many times I have to go back and apologize for my mistakes just from recognizing that what I am saying is not giving my girls a good picture of who God is.  I want to offer grace, I want to correct with loving-kindness, I want to ooze compassion….  But sometimes the best I can do is put me in safety break!

I am learning.  The more I spend time hearing and knowing God’s still small voice, searching out his goodness and experiencing his grace, the more I am able to offer these things to my girls.  Because when the wind blows, the earth shakes and the fire roars… I long for them to know his gentle whisper.

Oh.my.heart.  Grab a tissue and sit down for a minute.  Life is getting real.

My heart has gone up and down all week.  I feel like all I have done is cry. Don’t worry, it ends well.

It all started with Mother’s Day weekend…I was feeling so tender already with my conflicting emotions about Mother’s Day and knowing that what is meant to be celebratory can also be such a painful day for many women.  I was keenly aware of how blessed I am to both celebrate and be celebrated.  I was especially honored by my older brother who offered to help Daniel watch all of our kids so the Moms could have a girls night out.  It was such a treat and the men did a great job keeping all the little people alive.

Monday night when we were getting ready for bed we realized that our beloved dog Mojo was on his last leg.  Now this dog… man… he’s been through a lot in the (almost) 12 years we have had him.  I even named him Mojo fully expecting he wouldn’t last long in our life and I could say, “we lost our mojo”.  I know, I’m crazy.

I had hoped we would catch his decline in quality of life early enough that we could intervene and save him from suffering.  By midnight I realized we were probably not going to make it through the night.  Daniel found me cuddled in his dog bed, petting his formerly-golden-now-just-grey coat as he struggled to breathe.  I wanted him to know he wasn’t alone, he has been a great dog and I forgive him for peeing in my shoes two weeks ago.  He didn’t seem to be in pain, just confused as to why moving and breathing was so hard.  I could feel his body relax as we spoke gently to him of our love and all the fun times we had together.  I have never seen a dog love a man as much as Mojo loved my husband.  His heart beat stronger just with Daniel near.  And I felt it as his heart gave up and his breath stopped.  I cried as if he was a child…. because let’s be honest… that is what he has been to us.  He was our first child and I had to let him go.

I was so incredibly grateful that we were able to be with him in those last moments, to share our love and comfort him in what I can only imagine was a scary stage.  He died so peacefully and he looked beautiful.  And for the first time in his life, he was still.  To be honest, I always expected him to go in some dramatic  blaze of glory… but it was so peaceful, like he knew there was nothing left to be said.  Just our “I love you” was enough. It was over.

Since I am clearly unstable, you can only imagine how much crying we did.  In the middle of waiting as Daniel was digging a really big hole on Tuesday morning, I received a text that our sweet blue-eyed girl would be moving the next day.  Seriously?  Do you know my dog just died?

What’s a girl to do?

Well, I did what I signed up for.  I washed what little bit of clothes she came with, I packed up her things and prepared to let another piece of my heart go.  When we picked the girls up from school we explained again where Mojo went.  We let them put flowers on his grave and waited to see him “fly to heaven”.  Because… all dogs go to heaven.  And then we talked about miss blue-eyes and that she would be leaving tomorrow.  We wanted to have a fun night together and savor the time we had left with our sweet girl.

This morning we woke up, got dressed and took the sisters to school.  I let little miss blue-eyes say goodbye to her sweet teachers and hug all the sisters.  She and I had a breakfast date at Chick-fil-A where she gave three random strangers hugs.  She lights up a room with her smile and her eyes are just the icing on the cake.  Her ringlet curls are to be envied and her sweet spirit will be missed.  I struggle with not knowing what her future will hold, but I rest in knowing the One who holds her future.  As I took her to meet her family my heart couldn’t help but be excited when I saw her feet break out in a happy dance at the sight of her brother and grandmother… it was priceless… and I could let go knowing I had loved her well.

Driving home through the island I marveled at the beauty around me.  It is a stunningly beautiful day.  I thought about the date, May 11th; five years ago we put our roots down in this place.  Five years to the day, we bought our house and said I wonder what God has in store for us here.  It didn’t seem real.  Why would God move us here?

I reflected on our journey in foster care.  This was the first time I gave a child back and felt like this is what was supposed to happen.  This is what foster care is supposed to be.  Loving with open hands and trusting God with the rest.  Then I thought about our girls and their story… and how God perfectly aligned us for this season, this place to be open and receiving of them.  How different our lives were five years ago.  How creative God is in his story.  You can’t even make this up.

Through it all I have such a sense of God’s tender care for me.  From Mother’s Day weekend, to being able to love Mojo through his last breath and letting go of my sweet blue-eyed girl – seeing her excitement as she goes home.  Through it all he has gently met me in the joy and in the tears.  Such a loving Father.

As I stepped into the busyness of my workday I received a text… not just any text… but the text I have been waiting for.  Eight weeks of waiting…

WE ARE ADOPTING!

This story of a girl is about to get real!

What we’ve been waiting on… what we have been praying for… it has been cleared.  We are moving into adoption as fast as we possibly can.  Now friend, there are still things we cannot control and timing is one of them.  But let’s just take a moment and scream!

Happy dance. Wipe your tears. Happy dance again.

So as with all things I share… this comes with a disclaimer.  We are not aware of any other hurdles between us and forever, however I have absolutely no control over my life these days… so for today, we celebrate!

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your prayers.  We are reaping the fruit of your faithfulness.  I truly hope you know what a huge part of our lives you are.  Please don’t stop praying, we still have those legal hoops to jump through.

Sorry I had to put you through an emotional roller coaster before we got to this point, but hey, if I had to ride it the least you can do is read it 😉

 

 

 

I returned from a 4-day business trip last night.  My parents and niece graciously moved into our home and took the challenge to sustain life for 3 little people and 2 dogs.  That’s no small challenge.

Just before these sweet people literally ran out of my front door, my mom said “sit down, I need to tell you about what happened at daycare while you were gone.”  So I braced myself.  “Baby girl was on the playground, hiding in the castle… and when they found her… she had been playing with poop.”

NOOOOO!  Please no!  I’m not ready for this! This can’t be my life.

Y’all… life gets messy. It happened again this morning.  She came to me, “mommy look!” showing me her dirty hand.  What is it???  “It’s poop mommy!”   NOOOOOOOO!  How can this be happening?  I.can’t.handle.this.

“I sorry mommy. You ‘give me mommy?”  (You forgive me?)

March was a messy month.  There are various factors that came into play but as I reflect on all I walked through, it’s a lot like stepping in poop.   {I literally hate that word.}

In the midst of all the messiness I have recognized key things in my life and had to make choices to live in authenticity, embrace the pain, suffering, crucifixion and death so that I can fully experience the beauty of resurrection, life and glory.

What does that look like in my life?

We were married 10 years before we jumped into this form of parenthood.  I would say we have a pretty solid marriage.  But there is something about parenting that reveals so much more…  and after 2 years in the pressure of parenting children from hard places, this lady started cracking.

I am convinced marriage has to be the most vulnerable relationship we will ever experience, if you have the joy of experiencing it.  Parenting is a close second, but marriage takes the cake.

A few weeks ago a perfect storm formed and I took a hit (metaphorically) that knocked me off my feet.  Through a series of circumstances what started as a small difference of perspectives gradually grew from a snowball, to a snowball fight, to what felt like an emotional avalanche…. and there were about to be casualties.

But I had a choice to make…

When I am hurt, deeply hurt, my natural instinct and desire is to strike back, cause pain, punish, make sure the other person hurts at least as much, if not more, than I do.  I know, that’s not pretty… and certainly not what you expect from me 😉  but it’s true.  Deep down there’s this crazy little Mexican lady in me that is fierce and wants to fight back.  When I see her fight coming on strong I have to stop and understand what is really happening here.

In the messiness of my pain  I had to consider what kind of woman I want to be.  What is at stake here?  in the woman I want to be, in the wife I want to be and in the mother I want to be?        Everything.

As we authentically walked through the conflict I had to truly own my story.  What was I hearing and believing through these circumstances that made me feel so strongly?  My feelings don’t matter.  I am alone.  Everything is always going to fall on me.  I can do this, I don’t need you.

Friends, these aren’t easy things for me.  As I began to reflect on these more, knowing these aren’t the truths of my reality, I began to uncover distortions that I was operating out of.

When we stepped into fostering, I did so in such a calculated way so as to make sure that it wouldn’t be more than I could handle.  Remember? 1 child, aged 5-10… I could reasonably handle that.  But God, in all his funniness, gave me 3 children, under the age of 3…. and I seriously tried to live life as if it wouldn’t change anything.   In my mind I have tried to walk this out in such a way that nothing else in my life had to “give”.  I tried to absorb 3 children without dropping any other balls.

If I work 8 hours a day, there are clearly 16 more hours to parent, cook, wife, clean, Bible study, be a friend, daughter, sister and sleep.  I CAN do this!  God wouldn’t have asked me to if I couldn’t, so I gotta do it.

Through tear filled eyes I shared with my husband how hurt I had been and how through all these circumstances these are the things I was believing, and this is why I was acting like a crazy person.  I can do it all…. but I don’t want to do it all by myself.

{disclaimer, I have an incredibly helpful husband… my feelings had very little to do with his contribution or a lack of… it had everything to do with lies I was believing and how evil hunts me.}

A wise woman, mother of twins, gave me advice this weekend – get as much help as you can afford.  Let people help you.  Take care of you.  This will let you be a better mother, wife and person.

These are life-changing realizations for me.  So much of my own distortions are based in a need for control.  But my control is not helping anything.

What’s my biggest learning point here?  Conflict.  In life, in relationship, in community,  we are going to experience pain.  People we love most may very well be the ones that cause it.  We are fallen, sinful people; there’s no way around it.  The choice is yours – will you embrace it and grow or will you withdraw, strike back and punish? Or will you enter it, muck around and discover what’s really going on here?  There is fruit in the perseverance, there is growth and in the end, there is glory.

The hardest thing I did was sit down and say, I am hurting, and you are a big reason why.  Everything in me wanted to hurt him back, but he wasn’t the real enemy.  I had to risk my own heart, not knowing how he would respond, and offer to show him my pain.  By God’s grace, he was able to respond with love, owning his part in my pain and talking through how we could grow and do life differently.

I have experienced so much freedom just from realizing what I was believing and owning that this is not at all what I expected my life to look like.  There is more poop than I ever thought possible!  Even in all this messiness, through all of it, God is revealing his glory.

I thank you friends for the many ways you support us.  Your prayers, your faithful covering and making us laugh are what gets us through everything.  We still don’t have an update from our recent “big thing” we asked you to pray for.  I promise you, you will know as soon as we do 🙂

Thanks for being a part of this crazy story-of-a-girl. Here’s a glimpse of my heart’s song for today:

 

 

I am sitting here laughing at myself.  This is drastically different than one hour ago when I was crying for myself.  Sitting in my car, outside of Panera Bread ugly crying and trying to talk through the cries with my mom on the other end of the phone.  I am the definition of a hot mess.

On Saturday I made some suave move that resulted in pinching something in my lower back that rendered me incapacitated for 2 days.  Two days I tell you!  I could not stand straight, I could not lay straight, I could not bend over, I could not lift Baby Girl…I was broken.  And of course, this happened on a Saturday and my chiropractor is so wise that he hasn’t given me his cell-phone number or home address because trust me… I would have abused that information if I had it.

I woke up this morning with continued pain, an hour early after a full night’s sleep, blissfully aware that I could get my “fix” and move into a peaceful day of prayer, find Jesus and live happily ever after.

I’ll spare you the ugly details but hell happened and I was attacked by a 4-yr old. I wish I could spare my own ugliness, but then you wouldn’t know why I cry.  As much as I tried to practice “loving my kids on purpose” offering choices and grace… I didn’t.  That grace ran out fast and I fell into the spiral of the tantrum that left me wondering if I’m doing any better than the last people.  {No children were hurt in the making of this story.}  But I was undone.

We pulled it together, said our sorrys and gave make-up kisses.  We will try again…. love will win.  I went on to the chiropractor, broken and discouraged.  As I laid on the table and he tried to make the needed adjustments my spine wouldn’t budge.  Abby, you’re carrying a lot of stress… and it is going through your whole system.  Really?  I hadn’t noticed.  What could I possibly be stressed about?

Geeze Louise!  I’ve been looking for a house that can accommodate our growing family (no, I’m not pregnant) and trying to determine how in the world we will ever afford daycare for 3 kids, raising 3 kids and buying something in an area that costs more than I ever imagined.  I’ve been crunching numbers, biting nails and breaking my back trying to bend over and figure this stuff out.  Why would I possibly be stressed?

So I enter Panera Bread for a coffee date with Jesus.  Tears still sneaking their way out of my eyes.  I open my Bible and my study, read the words on the page and ask Jesus, what do you want to say to me right now?  I am broken, I am discouraged and I am wondering what in the world you have to say about it.

My yoke is easy and my burden is light…

Well, that’s what he has to say about it.  His yoke is easy, his burden is light; whatever I am carrying is not from him.  This stress, this weight, this wondering is not from him.  His promise is that he is faithful, he is good and he will not weigh me down.

So I go to one of my favorite passages of scripture, Exodus 33 and for the first time I realize, Moses is pretty much pitching a fit with God.  Seriously, listen to this:

^12-13 Moses said to God, “Look, you tell me, ‘Lead this people,’ but you don’t let me know whom you’re going to send with me. You tell me, ‘I know you well and you are special to me.’ If I am so special to you, let me in on your plans. That way, I will continue being special to you. Don’t forget, this is your people, your responsibility.”  (MSG)

Oh my goodness… I’m pretty sure you could write my same story in the Bible.  I sound just like that!   “Listen, these are your kids God, what’s your plan?  How in the world am I supposed to believe we’re all gonna survive this?  I mean, I know I’m your favorite, but it sure doesn’t feel like it right now.  Seriously God, I need to know how this works out.”

And that’s when I get to start laughing at my 30 something year old temper tantrum self.  I see my story in the Bible… and I see what God has to say about it.

¹⁴ God said, “My presence will go with you. I’ll see the journey to the end.” (MSG)

If you don’t believe God still speaks, you probably need to exit this tour right now.  Friends, God continually meets me.  When I stop, settle my heart and invite him to show me his heart for me, ask him how he feels about me and what he’s up to… he.shows.up.  Time and time again.  And I can trust that he always will.

Now, he didn’t give quite the specifics I was looking for, like “go here, you will find a package of money taped under a bench and the person next to it will buy your house without you even cleaning it first”…. but he does say “My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest….. you are special to me and I know you by name.”

That’s enough for me. Seriously, he’s always enough. It just takes me a minute to get there sometimes.

Oh yeah… and it’s national margarita day… if that doesn’t have my name all over it I don’t know what does. 🙂