Author: abs1745

Love Does, My Story

All You Need is L.O.V.E

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Typewriter-lovestory-comp1I still remember it like it was yesterday.  I remember the phone-call from Jennifer,  Abby, I know you’re on a break… we have twin 2 year old girls…do you want to hear more? 

How did she know?  How did she know we had been preparing our hearts and home for twins?  How did she know to push our boundaries?  We were licensed for one child between the ages of 5 and 10.  Nothing about this call fit our box.  How did she know there was a yes waiting at the other end?

Everything about the timing was wrong. Everything about the situation was outside of my comfort. Everything in me would normally say “no” but God in His incredible mercy came before us.  It was a dream.  It was the obedience of one girl to be bold enough to share. It was the perfect set-up for this phone-call.  In the midst of all the fear, in the midst of all the plans, in the midst of all the uncertainties there was a little bit of courage that creeped up and said yes. 

I’m no Joshua, I’m no Moses, I’m no saint.  But I am a girl that longs to be the woman God created me to be and when that means walking into the scariest thing I had faced to that point, I had to muster up every bit of courage hidden in my heart and say, I choose you.  If you say this is what you have for us, I’m gonna have to believe you’re with us.

Let me tell you, knowing that you are walking in obedience to the call of God gives you a whole lot of confidence in the raging storms.  There were countless times over the past year where it would have been easy to give up, but when you can look back and know that this is what God has called you to for this very moment, there is a peace that passes understanding.

I remember in October, sitting in my living room across from the girls’ therapist with tears streaming down my face.  I couldn’t hold anything in.  This is so hard. I am exhausted. My life looks completely different.  We are absolutely controlled by bed-time. We can’t even go out to dinner, much less have any sort of normal life. Everything revolves around these girls!  She kindly looked and me and said “this is parenting”.  And before I could even catch the words, they rolled right out of my mouth, but I never wanted to be a parent!

There. I said it. Half-way owning it; half-way embarrassed; all the way wondering if she was going to call someone to take these kids away from me.  But she didn’t.  She simply smiled and said, “Abby, you’re going to have to grieve some of these losses.”

It really made perfect sense.  I was being torn apart by remembering how easy, convenient and care-free our life as a childless couple had been… all while wading through how difficult it was to keep 3 little girls alive and trying to gain some sense of normal.  I had to grieve and let it go.

For a while I stood on that tight rope of my old life still feeling within reach and my new life being so hard but trying to embrace it out of obedience.  I simply could not move forward until I let the old go.  So I grieved, I cried, I let go of all those selfish feelings and surrendered to the new life God had invited us in to.

Then, one day in November, we woke up in the darkness of morning to the madness of a stomach virus.  [See my best post ever for more on that memory]  I remember thinking, I just earned Mother’s Day, once we survived that hell.

Recently, I revisited a video that a friend, father of four had shared back when our life was on the easy street.  This is perfect.  The funniest thing about it is that I can so clearly relate to both sides.  You really have to watch this…

That is absolutely my life now. And all we can do is laugh about it.  🙂

When I look back on this past year I am honestly in awe of what God is doing in my life, in our girls’ lives and the story He is writing.  I met my husband in the fourth grade.  We dated in highschool and reconnected in our college years, married when we were too young. I love our story.

But friends, this story right here, this one takes my breath away.

Oh man, how I hope and pray for a happy ending. As we close the chapter on year 1, we celebrated with little gifts for the girls, necklaces with the letters L.O.V.E.  That’s the bottom line of our story. Everything else is built on this one thing, Love.

To wrap up birthday and anniversary week we’re taking our little party of five camping.  Because, what better way to celebrate love than squeezing into small quarters and pretending you’re homeless?

Pray for me friends!

#lovedoes

My Story

Cheers to birthday week!

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It’s my birthday week!   Normally, that’s not too big of a deal, but this year I’m turning 2 years older.  Yep, it’s true.  You see, we also celebrate our one-year mark with the twinsies this week.  The girls moved in with us just 4 days before my birthday last year.  Evidently, in the midst of all that entailed, I forgot I turned a year older.

Recently, when doing the math, we realized I’m a year older than I thought I was.  So just to catch up, this year I’ll be turning 2 years older.

Even though this year has passed by quickly, the days were long, the nights were longer and I am certain I’ve aged a few years through it.  My eyes have dark circles, my hair has more grey than ever before, things don’t fit like they use to fit… I’m a hot mess!

I’m a pretty reflective person.  This year has by far been the year of greatest growth in my own life.  As I was reflecting today and considering what we’ve walked through I am in awe of God’s faithfulness.  My eyes fill with tears when I hear this simple, yet powerful song…

Standing on this mountain-top, looking just how far we’ve come, knowing that for every step you were with us.
Kneeling on this battleground, seeing just how much you’ve done; knowing every victory is your power in us.

My year passes through my mind in sequence of victories, moments where I clearly saw God’s hand in each battle.  He has blown my mind in so many ways.  I remember one night, fighting fiercely for peace over one child who had cried for hours in terror.  When it all settled and she fell into deep rest, I knew we had broken through deep things.  I knew I had fought too hard to give up on these girls.

As I consider the stages of the past year it went something like this…

  • The twins move in and I think, oh, they are so cute…. maybe we can keep them forever.
  • One week later… oh, they don’t sleep?  Please take them back.
  • Three weeks in, oh, wait… you need me to take a baby too.  Sure, why not?  That’s what Love Does… right?
  • Six weeks in…Baby girl moves in.  What the hell just happened!    We’re all crying.  Nobody sleeps.  Surely God has the wrong girl.  It will be a miracle if we all make it out alive.
  • Three months in… ok… it is possible that we could survive this.
  • Six months in … what, you were serious about this adoption thing?  This can’t possibly be my life, forever.
  • Seven months…okay, we’re in.
  • Eight months… I said we’re in… what’s taking so long?
  • Nine months… I said we’re in… you better not be tricking me.  I’ve fought too hard to lose now.
  • Ten months…sleep.  We all sleep.  I’ve been awake for 9 months straight.  I can’t sleep enough.
  • Eleven months… daddy left for 3 weeks… we’re all going to die
  • Twelve months… one big happy family again… could somebody please make this official before I’m raising teenagers?

I’m not crazy.  I’m just honest.  Every step has been one of a larger journey of surrender.  Surrender to his ways.  Letting go of the path of least resistance and embarking on uncharted territory [for me].  I realize many of you have already raised three kids and lived to tell about it. I think of you with great admiration, daily.  And some of you are even brave enough to home-school! Your awesomeness is beyond my reach.

As I close up today’s reflection, I must acknowledge a few things I’m so thankful for.

  • My Dyson vacuum cleaner, it is therapeutic for me. and it’s pink.
  • My crock-pot, for by it we are fed.
  • DVD player in the car. Peace on earth.
  • Bubble Guppies – they are cute enough that even I enjoy watching them.
  • Friends that give me hope, encourage me and let me know things will get easier
  • Family that supports us through thick-and-thin
  • Essential Oils… yep… I’m a believer.  We escaped the plague of “hand,foot and mouth” that took our daycare down. {rest in peace}
  • My little house –  the place where I escape and do my work and pretend like I have a little bit of control in life
  • The three little girls that have rocked my world
  • The best husband a girl could ever ask for
  • Each and every one of you!

So go, have a drink in my name.  It should probably be pink, fruity and not include tequila… (we can’t even talk about what happens with tequila).    and prepare yourself – I’m probably going to be blowing up your news feed with memories this week.  Let’s celebrate!

Love Does, My Story

Beyond the shore, into the waves

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photo credit to little miss creative studio
photo credit to little miss creative studio

One year.  Here we are.  One year since the dream. Once year from the leap. One year of life being turned upside down ’til upside down seems right sided. We’re still standing.  Who would have ever thought?

I sit here listening to You Make Me Brave on repeat.  Again.  Just as I did one year ago.  No fear can hinder now the love that made the way. …  You make me brave. … You’ve called me out beyond the shore into the waves….    Because your love, wave after wave, crashing over me…  You are for us. You are not against us.  Champion of Heaven, You’ve made a way… for all to enter in.

I remember.  I was scared to death.  Literally unable to speak, sometimes even breathe. But He truly made a way.  These lyrics are no longer just words but anthem cries.  Testimonies of faithfulness.  Truth that I can cling to. There are days I’m still clinging, claiming, even when I don’t feel it – You Make Me Brave.

Friends, we would not be here without you.  Please hear the love and gratitude I have for each one of you.  You have fought in the heavenlies, you’ve given me courage in the battle, you’ve walked with us and loved us deeply.  You’ve been here through it all and God has used you to increase my faith and given me strength to hang on when things seemed too hard.

One day I’m gonna write something, How to go from zero to three in the blink of an eye and live to tell about it.  I feel like I have to make it longer than one year before I can claim “living to tell about it” – nonetheless, you will be in that story.  You are a vital part of this story of our lives, the story of this girl, the story of our girls. Thank you for stepping in with us.

Oh man, I’ve learned so much! Did you know that those diapers that say “keeps you dry for 12 hours”  – that’s an exaggeration.  They do not keep a child dry for 12 hours. I’ve tested it.

There are many other products that make false claims similar to that.  I’ve tested just about everything you can imagine in the past year.

I’ve learned so much about children from hard places, the paths that trauma has created in the brain, the intentionality it takes to create new paths, the patience it takes to love through pain, to fight for peace and perseverance because no child should have to live defined by trauma.  I am learning to no longer call them post-traumatic but to see them as restored and redeemed, fought for, loved deeply, worth every breath.

I try my best to anticipate triggers, to think through strategies and how to help maintain stability, security and safety.  We just returned from an outpatient procedure that required anesthesia.  I knew that going there, being in a hospital, being taken back with people they didn’t know to breathe sedation and fall into sleep would be challenging.  We prepped, we prayed, we strategized… it was beautiful… but I never imagined the “waking up” would be more traumatic.  Geeze Louise!  I didn’t know it would take the strength of a daddy to hold the weight of his own body on that of a three year old so she could see, feel and know that she is safe.  The fear of a child coming back, disoriented and in the midst of strangers – not comprehending what was going on but seeing lines hooked to machines, hooked to their arm, all those things that remind of past events that never should have happened… dear Lord how did I not think of this?

Now I know.  Waking up is hard to do.  I realize it’s hard for any child under anesthesia, but I saw the fight or flight that was triggered in my sweet one that I never anticipated.  It’s heart-breaking but God is faithful.  Eventually it wears off and our sweet girls returned to normal.  Mommy will never be the same.

I was tempted to be embarrassed by the extent of work needed to repair their mouths.  I have to remember, I wasn’t there the first 3 years, those things aren’t my fault.  It’s ok, there’s grace.  Now, I am responsible for this next set of teeth, so buddy, you better believe we are gonna be on top of that!

I’ve learned that the tooth-fairy isn’t quite as appealing to a 3 year old as it is to a 5 or 6 year old.  Or maybe it’s just my girls.  Somehow, the idea of a little lady that comes in while you sleep, takes your teeth and leaves a quarter ended up being a bit scary.  I can see where they’re coming from.

After going to bed with the teeth on the nightstand, Prissy called me into her room… “mommy, how about you tell the tooth fairy not to come.  I don’t want her to come.  how about you just give me quarters instead and I’ll buy gum.”    –   deal sweet girl. I’ll give you quarters; you keep your teeth.  Who needs a little fairy to come in while you sleep?  You just rest peacefully.   After all, that is what we work for, right?  According to the twins, we work for money to buy gum.  That’s what makes the world go ’round.

I wish I could say we are reaching our one-year point and adoption is here. But it isn’t.  We’ve been delayed, in a big way.  Of all the things I’ve learned in this past year, the one thing that stands out most is, God’s timing and God’s purposes are perfect.  I may not ever understand them.  I might not even agree with them; but I can trust them.

This year has been a crash course in what it means to be a mommy.  It has also been a journey of discovering what it means to walk in obedience, as a daughter of the One who writes our story, who loves me deeply and invites me into the waves, because His faithfulness, His goodness, His grace – they make me brave.

Love Does

Let my words be few

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Sometimes our story takes my breath away.  In the quiet moments, when you hear the crickets chirp –  “mommy, what are they saying?”  I playfully answer, “They are saying, ‘it’s time to get in bed little girl!'”.   Or when the frogs are croaking – “mommy, what are they singing?”  I think they’re singing “here comes the rain again!”

Everyday is an opportunity to respond to the whys the whats and the wonder of these little girls.  Some days that is quite overwhelming.  Other days I can’t help but wonder myself what is behind the things I see, hear and even say?

In Wellspring, we practice what we call “listening in 4 directions”.  In any situation, being sensitive to:  what is happening in you, what is happening in me, what is God up to in this situation, what is the enemy up to?  I think intuitively, even as children, we want to know what’s really going on.

It’s been about 3 weeks since my last blog.  I honestly had nothing nice to say.  My husband was gone for almost three weeks and I was pretty much freaking the hell out.  (sorry friends)  In that time, I think he knew in every conversation we had what was behind the words I was saying… I was pretty clear.  I don’t like you. Everything wrong with my day is your fault. You left me.  When you get back I will probably kill you.  { You get the picture.}

I said these things in complete frustration and despair, knowing that once he came home and my life returned to some sort of normal, I would eventually love him again.  And he knew that this was coming. This is how I respond to pressure and he would have a lot of work to do when he returns to get me to like him again.  I really wish I was more adult than this, but seriously, the struggle is real. (admitting I have a problem is the first step.)

When it comes to parenting, I have so much more awareness about my words and actions.  If there is one thing I want these girls to know, to be confident of, to go to bed with all certainty, it is… You.Are.Loved.

Friends, some days that is hard.  Not because I don’t love, but because life is simply hard.  Mothering is hard.  Changing patterns is hard.  Cooking dinner is hard.  Eating what I cooked… that can be hard too. 😉

Sometimes I love so well that I have to call my mom to tell her how awesome I did.  Sometimes I fail so badly I have to put myself in safety break.

True story:

Driving down Interstate 10, I have to pull over because Prissy has gotten her arm stuck in her carseat strap as she was trying to free herself from the constraints.  After 2 minutes of intense screaming I realized she wasn’t going to get out of this on her own.

Me:  girls, do not talk to me right now. Mommy is in safety break!
Prissy (whispering in the back): why is mommy in safety break?
Sissy (whispers back): because you made a really bad choice!

When we finally arrived at my parents’ house that night the girls told Nana that mommy had to go in safety break so we could all stay safe.    I hope they know that was love.

There’s an accountability I feel with the uncertainty of our days with these girls.  Even as things seem to point towards forever, there is still a knowing that I am not promised tomorrow.  Whatever they are, my days are numbered. They may be many; they may be few. I must live each one with full purpose of expressing love.

As we consider new names for each of these sweet faces, I am drawn to the stories in the Bible where God changed a name.  Abram to Abraham, Sarai to Sarah, Jacob to Israel, Saul to Paul… there was always purpose.  I find myself watching, listening, wondering with each girl what is it God is saying about them?  Who has he created them to be? How will the story unfold for their lives?  How does He see them?  In the stillness, in the quiet, I hear him say “Loved one.”

In my heart I know, Loved One is not just the name he has for them, but the name he has for me; the name he has for you.  When I fail, he still sees me as beloved.  When I win, his love is the same.  I long to express this kind of love to those around me. I hope that our girls see in everything around them, my words, this story of redemption… Forever, for always, no matter what….. you.are.loved.

My Story

Name the Graces

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To see the glory, name the graces.             Ann Voskamp – One thousand gifts devotional

This line, this simple statement has replayed in my head for two weeks.  To see the glory, name the graces.  I remember a prayer when I was 18 years old, enamored by the story of Moses on the mountain calling out to God, “show me your glory”.  This has been a consistent cry of my heart through the years, Lord, show me your glory.  I’m in awe of glory and I long to see it daily.

In Exodus the story goes on to say that God positioned Moses in a cleft in the rock and covered his face with his hand as he passed by.  Basically, God put Moses between a rock and hard place then allowed his goodness to pass before him.

Friends, it is in the hard places of life that I am most clearly able to see God’s glory – his goodness – his graces.

When days are hard, when darkness falls, when motherhood squeezes every bit of life out of me I must choose to count the graces… and in that place, I see his glory.

What does grace look like in my life?   It looks like surrender to a plan that I never planned.  A move to a place I never considered to position us for a part we didn’t know we would play.  It’s pure grace that we have four parents, still living and well and able to help us raise children we never knew we would love.

Grace came from the lady at the pizza place who came in for her shift at what was obviously her second job.  And when this crazy momma became frustrated that our pizza order was completely wrong – she saw the exhaustion in my eyes and responded with patience, kindness and love.  She offered me ice-cream to calm my crying girls as we waited for our pizza.  When I said “I just need it in a box so I can leave”, she graciously carried it out to the car because my arms were tied up with little people.  We were on day 3 without daddy, my eyes had cried all day after leaving the land where we had just lost our dog and walked into an empty house…  she saw past my attitude, she saw me at my end and offered grace.  I will be forever humbled by her gift. Undeserved grace.

Grace is the sister that reminds you there’s an oil for your control freak ways… put.it.on.   Grace is the daycare that stays open til 6:00, just in case you need it.  Grace is the neighbor that waits hours outside to give your girls the gift they brought back from Disney World.  Grace. Grace. Grace.

Grace is the friend that walks with you through the pains of life, loss and love.  The ones that come around you when everything is falling apart and don’t say it’s going to be ok, but are willing to say, this stinks but I am here with you.

Grace is the fellowship, your people, the ones that live life with you. Grace is that moment when your head hits the pillow, all is quiet and you slip into rest.

Grace is his goodness, his faithfulness, his glory that passes before you, even when you’re too busy to see it.  Grace is the obedience of one to share the word or dream that God has given them, so you are better able to respond with obedience.

Take a moment.  Name the graces.  Find the glory.  It’s worth it.

14 And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us (and we beheld his glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father), full of grace and truth. ….   16 For of his fulness we all received, and grace for grace.    John 1:14, 16

Grace after Grace.  These are our gifts.

Thank you for being a channel of God’s grace in my life.  Every word of encouragement, support and prayer is deeply appreciated.  Please continue to pray as we move into the next phase of adoption.  I would love to move smoothly through this without any bumps or bruises.  I see the undeniable thread of grace in our story and trust that God is not finished yet.

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There’s something about 10

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I love a good look-back.  Can you believe it has been 10 months since this “yes” turned my life upside down?

zoo girls
Baby Girl has a little “captain” in her 😉

Here’s a quick look at what the past 10 months have looked like as 3 little girls raised this “momma”.

We have seen a total of 1 movie in the theaters in the past 10 months.  Well, two if you count the one where we took twin 3 year olds and had to go to the bathroom 3 times, each, and finally just decided to leave since the sprite was making them run literal circles in the hallway.  I learned that lesson fast.

We’ve learned how to walk, how to ride bikes, how to swim and how to sing… all these things are cause for celebration.  Some of the bigger people have learned how to cook, how to change diapers, how to bathe a baby and how to smile while walking through the door to daycare with a kicking, screaming child who barely has clothes on.  We’re all learning.

I’m one of those moms, the one that says no to sodas, cakes and sweets except in controlled environment, carefully monitored, almost like a rat in a test-lab.   I repent to all parents whose kids I have previously given sodas, cookies and candies countless times.  Specifically the first two Fripp kids and all the Sumlars.  I am sorry.  Please do not repay my sins.

For 9 of our 10 months we had major bedtime battles.  Breakthrough came in the ninth hour and now we sing songs of joy.  Bananas are like magic.  They help little people sleep through the night.  This is one of the valuable things I found on pinterest. Yes, I said it, there is something good that can come from pinterest.  Since all you have to do is peel it, it’s pretty easy to make this one happen just like the picture.

Amazon Prime, Zulilly, Pizza, JinJin98 and anything else that can deliver – these are my best friends.  If I need something and can have it show up at my door with the click of a mouse, please give me more.

When we realized that 2 girls would soon be 3 we had to buy a new car.  How many toddlers do you know that have their own car?  That’s how we do it around here.  The girls have one car equipped with 3 carseats… whoever has the girls has the car.   And as Sissy said, “our car has a TV in it, because that’s just the way God made it.”  yes, dear, God was definitely behind that idea. 😉

I know the movies Frozen and Tangled by heart.  I thank God for the Despicable Me movies that came around and saved me from the others.

We have a two-hour maximum time for road trips.  When it’s time to go to Texas, I estimate it will take us 6 days and 45 bathroom breaks.  Fortunately, Nanna & PaPa’s houses fall within our 2 hour limit.  I swear these girls can say “mommy” at least 1,000 times in 2 hours.

Last week, I got stuck on a plane that couldn’t leave, and the row nearby had a sweet little girl that got sick all over herself, her sister, her seat and the floor.  I am convinced the past 10 months helped prepare me for this very moment where all I wanted to do was scream and run.  But I held it together, for the most part.  After the sick little girl stood in the aisle with her little germy hand on my arm-rest I went digging in my purse for a sanitizing wipe – which I had just taken out that morning because why would I need one? I was leaving my kids at home. – lesson learned.  After taking a deep breath, annointing myself with oils and praying for grace for me and that poor mother with two girls, the heavens opened up and they let me off that plane.  Oh heavens, thank you.

Remember when this little girl was my only princess?

tinihammockPoor little Tini.  Her life has changed more than mine. As I pulled macaroni out of her fur three days after the night we had macaroni, I thanked her for not leaving me.  She may look sad when you see her, but trust me… she is the number one benefactor of a baby girl’s food that is thrown on the floor at every meal.

And last but not least, look at these two babies…

weddingThis week we wrap up year 11 and look forward to what the next ones hold.  If you had told me on this day what year 11 would look like I would never have believed you.  We went from zero to three kids in the blink of an eye.  God has a sneaky way of surprising us.  We’ll take some time to celebrate, just the two of us, and remember how easy life was 10 months and 2 weeks ago 😉  Then we’ll jump back in to this craziness we call life… loving almost every minute of it.

Since you’ve stuck around this long…. I guess I should tell you…. after 10 weeks of waiting we finally got the word we were praying for.   We have just moved one giant leap forward towards forever.   Nothing is certain yet so please continue praying for protection, favor and God’s purposes to be worked out.  We are grateful for your willingness to walk with us.

Much Love!

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Pray for McDonalds!

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Yep.  We do it every day.  Well, every weekday.

On our way to daycare each morning we pray for our day.  Also on our way to daycare we pass McDonald’s.  So every day when it’s time to pray, without fail I hear from the way back seat, “don’t forget to pray for Mitchdonald’s!”  So that is what I do.  I hope those people know they are covered in prayer!

We pray a lot around here.  Every bump, bruise and stuffed animal is covered in prayer.  And bigger things, like do we say yes to a new child?  Some days I have crazy ideas, like, let’s move to a bigger house so we can say yes when they call.  Fortunately, we take things to the Lord in prayer before we make major decisions.

Last week when I had that wild hair to make a move, I spent some time asking God, what are you looking for from us?  What does it look like to stay in a place of “yes” when we want to do more but we are limited by many things.  We’ve bought land and hope to build a bigger home, but these things take time… and money.  Our heart is to allow sibling groups to stay together, but our current place doesn’t give us any room to do such things.

I’ve moved beds, rearranged rooms, thought and thought about ways to make our little space bigger… and it just isn’t happening.  But we got a call that same day to take in a child, 12 yrs old who does not hear.  They asked if I know sign language, I said no, but I know someone who does!  So we said yes to an emergency placement that should last 1-2 days.  Five days later, our hearts hurt as we said goodbye and she was placed in a new home.  In the midst of the chaos I see God’s grace towards me.

I realized in these five days that God was graciously answering my question… what are you asking of me?  What he is asking is for us to love these 3 girls with everything we have, being sensitive to the needs around us but focused on this mission…. love well.   I realized when I briefly had a teenager that this is beyond my current capacity… there’s no summer daycare, there’s not much to keep her busy, there’s a limit to what I can do and how we can stretch during this season.  I’m not trying to make excuses, I’m trying to accept our reality.  I asked and God said, just wait.

Sometimes, even when we have the best intentions and our heart is all the way behind it, God still says wait.  Consider what other ways you can support, but for this season be sensitive to what God has called you to.  Friends, I cannot adequately convey the huge need that surrounds us related to orphan care.  There are countless things that can be done, just ask God what He wants from you.  If you are faithful to ask, he is faithful to answer.

Want to know some practical things?  Have a heart for orphans but don’t know where to jump in?  Support those that are in the trenches.  See how you can bless your local department of case-workers or DCF workers.  They are neck-deep in drama every day.   Set up meals for foster families, I assure you they can use the help.  Coffee.  We all live on coffee.  Lots and lots of coffee.   Gift cards for fun activities, restaurants or special treats.   Summer is here and lots of foster parents have full houses and kids that are bored.  Date nights – offer to babysit for a local family – there aren’t a lot of people volunteering to do that.  One time, my mom came over and cleaned my kitchen.  Do you know what a huge blessing that was for me?!?  There are a lot of practical things that can be tremendously helpful.  Just pray, see what ideas God gives you.

And… while you’re praying… don’t forget to pray for McDonald’s!

My Story

Never.Lose.Hope.

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Hope is risky business.

After nine weeks of waiting, hoping, praying,  I can honestly say hope is fragile.  I waver from hope to worry like a child on a see-saw.

A facebook post that shakes my certainty.  A blog post that reminds me of others’ experience in the system, losing everything they hoped for in the ninth hour – wondering if their story will be mine.

Another foster parent letting their little one go back to a home that they can only hope will love and protect them as much as they deserve and in the way we would our own.  After one year, two years, pouring out love and investing in a child only to see them move back and know that our role is to celebrate but deep down the pain is real, there is a loss.

I didn’t enter this world blindly, but I couldn’t have imagined the messiness of it all.  I couldn’t fathom our story looking as it does and hoping for a forever I never dreamed of.

When it feels as though everything is shaken, I am reminded of the one who loves deeply – the one who loves through me; the one who sees me with tears in my eyes and knows what it feels like to give up a child.  The ONE who asked HIS son to carry my weight of sin.  I remember that he loves these girls more than I do.  He loves me more than I can understand.  No matter how our story unfolds, He will never forsake me.

I think deep down, I find myself trying to protect God from my own disappointment.  If I’m really honest, when I consider what scares me most, it’s the idea of pain so deep that I can’t find God.  I can get lost in the “what ifs” but those aren’t my biggest fears… it’s wondering if in the darkest hour will I still see grace.

In the midst of all the things I cannot control, I must choose where I place my hope…

Not in a system – but in a Savior.  Not in a process – but in a promise.  Not in my goodness – but in His goodness.

When I determine to set my mind on the truth of who He is, my hope stands renewed.  I can’t say I overflow, but I feel confident that even if the world falls apart I will not walk alone.

In the midst of the waiting and uncertainty, we are seeing small victories.  There have been decisions that have helped us move into stability and allowed the girls to settle a bit more.  For this we are grateful.

Some days I wonder how I got here.  Life was easy before our first yes.  My bubble was quite comfortable.  But I can see how God’s pursuit of my heart through this adventure in fostering has brought me to a greater dependency on him and those around us.  I will never be the same.

I have a greater appreciation for the support and love of our friends and family.  Everyone has stepped up in amazing ways.  We have friends that aren’t even in the family way yet that have openly embraced these girls, played with them, loved them and adapted to what our new life looks like.  It doesn’t just cost our comfort but it costs theirs.  I used to have guest rooms – now I have guest couches… if even that!  But friends still love us… even through crazy bedtime routines.  They patiently wait for us to calm an anxious child, they offer choices and hugs to help them regulate… they love us well by loving them well.  And their rewards come in hugs and kisses.  Adorable love.  That’s all we have.

Thank you friends for loving us well.  Thank you for standing in the gap and praying with us / for us.  Please continue.  Some days we feel weary, but Lord willing, we will never lose hope.

My Story

It’s Mother’s day, birth mommy

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It’s mother’s day birth mommy.   In the midst of celebrating and being honored, my heart hurts for you.  It started creeping in last week as I considered what the weekend would hold for me… knowing your arms would be empty.

My greatest gain comes at your greatest pain.

I thought of you all day, birth mommy.  I honor you in my heart and know that you are the one that carried the sweetness that fills my house.

Every moment I get to enjoy, and even those that drive me crazy, they were meant to be yours.

How do you say thank you to someone that never meant to lose?  My heart is torn.

I’m filled with thankfulness for this space in life filled with pink and purple, giggles and curls –  a dream I never knew I had.  At the same time I know this was your dream but life’s hard road took it from you.

Something in me feels this isn’t fair.  I know this wasn’t the way the story was supposed to go.  God’s plan for family didn’t look like this… somehow I want you to know that.  This wasn’t always his plan.

It feels wrong.  In all the drama it’s easy for you to look like a sinner while I look like a saint.  I know this isn’t true.  We’re both sinners… and I know your heart is good.  I see it when you look at your girls, when you give them kisses to keep and hope they remember your love for them.  Even on my best of days I feel undeserving… wondering if I can ever love them as much as you.

I remember looking in your tear filled eyes and promising I will do everything I can to love and protect them.  I remember your eyes birth mommy.  They were windows into a hard life, a broken heart and a selfless act of surrender.  You have loved them deeply.

In the moments of Mother’s Day, when I squeezed out one more kiss from baby girl, hugged two twins and celebrated this new-found role of motherhood, through my own tears I see you.  I see you in their eyes, and the way they store up kisses.  I see you in their personalities and in the way they fight back.

I see you and I love you birth mommy – because I know you love these girls as much as I do.

I don’t know how the rest of this story will unfold, but I want you to know, every year that we celebrate with these girls, I promise to see you, to remember you and to know that you were mommy first…and for that reason, I love you more.

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Be Still My Soul

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What load are you carrying today?  How heavy is it?  I imagine mine as a large bag, filled with an assortment of things, weighing me down.  It’s probably from ThirtyOne and has my monogram on the front because even my crap has to be cute.

Then I come to the feet of the One who has the strength to handle my burdens, the One who invites me to cast these cares on Him; He will sustain me.  I picture myself placing this pretty bag at his feet, opening it up and saying, do you see this?  Do you remember this?   The babies, the horses, the brothers & sisters, my girls, my friend, the ministry, our neighbors, the orphans, all these things, Jesus they are heavy on my heart.

I have to ask myself – how much am I carrying because it’s mine to carry?  Or how much am I supposed to be carrying to the feet of the One who is built for my cares?

God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall in to the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
….
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Psalm 46: 1-2, 10

His invitation is rest.  He invites us to cast our cares upon him, to know that He is God.  Even though the earth gives way and the mountains fall in to the sea, know that I am God.

Sometimes stillness is a scary place.  It’s in the stillness of the night that fear can creep in.  It’s in the stillness of the day that I wonder if I have done enough.  It’s in the stillness that I am tempted to question, God are you still there?  I think that’s why He says Be still, and know that I am God.

Be still and remember my faithfulness.  Be still and speak my truth.  Be still and claim my promises. When in the stillness the enemy lurks… remember that I am God.

Your love surrounds me when my thoughts wage war; when night screams terror there your voice will roar.   –  from Prince of Peace – by Hillsong

In moments of worry, I get to speak straight to my own heart.  Be still my heart.  I know He’s God.

We don’t have control over seasons of waiting, but we do have control over our stillness.  Stillness can be a beautiful place if we allow it.

As we approach Mother’s Day, this can be a beautifully painful place.  I never dreamed of being a mom; but now I find myself praying during the stillness that God would let me keep her –  these precious little ones He has shared with us.  My hope can barely touch the pain of those that have longed for years to be called mom.  Friend, I see you.  I cannot imagine the depths of your pain.  Please know, even as I hope that next year’s Mother’s Day is celebrated with these same little ones that currently fill my home, I pray that God fills your arms with your heart’s desire.

As we wait for dreams fulfilled and hope to come, remember the words of the Father to Be Still.  Even when it feels as though our world is falling apart, He is our safe place.  In the stillness… He is there.