You may be surprised to know that sometimes I struggle with what’s appropriate to share…
I always want to honor the story of our girls, the work God is doing in our lives and the place in your heart that you’ve invited me into.
Over the past four years you’ve carried me through some of the deepest waters, fears and even heartbreaks that you may not have known occurred along the way. I seek to be transparent in as much as I am able to share, and honest with the depths of my heart as I journey through life.
I’ve gone back and forth with how to share without being totally awkward – because it’s pretty personal.
It’s not that I don’t want you to know, but sometimes I struggle with whether it’s helpful for you to know… but at this point I realize, it’s helpful for me and my girls if you can come along side us and pray this week.
About fifteen years ago I began to really struggle physically with recurring cysts on my ovaries and what we later discovered to be endometriosis. I had surgery eleven or so years ago and at that time my doctor recommended I decide sooner rather than later if I wanted to have children, because I really needed to consider a hysterectomy.
Now, I know some people have wondered if we have walked a path of infertility which led us to adoption, but I can honestly say that’s not how we ended up here. Whether my uterus worked or not, either way I was convinced I didn’t need to have a baby. It’s apparent now much of my decision was based in a need for control- but also the simple fact that I wasn’t sure I had what it takes to keep another human alive… especially if they needed to be fed daily.
I’ve always been a bit of a procrastinator, so I delayed making the decision for many years. But here we are, less than 48 hours away from a major surgery. Tonight I held each one of my baby girls as they cried at different times, trying not to let their fears be known but they just can’t hold it in any more.
If you read one of my recent stories, you may recall that we don’t have a lot of room in this house for my weakness. It triggers something I can’t fully understand. But God does. He sees and knows the depths of their pain, the fears in their hearts and the innocence that has been lost.
On most days I am good, I can be strong and hold it all together. But if I so much as take a vitamin, I’m questioned about the state of my being. We had one therapist that suggested the girls “give me medicine” so they could see it’s nothing to be scared of. As she handed them a bottle of advil and I sat bewildered by her recommendation – I realized I didn’t want a four year old to be comfortable with pills and decided to fire the therapist.
“It’s not me – it’s you. Bye Felicia.”
I share this because what I know is a routine procedure also has the potential to be a major emotional event in this house of little women. It’s already starting to bubble up.
As I’ve sought to prepare my own self for the surgery, recovery and hopefully a new normal, I am faced with my own fears. If I’m totally honest, it’s not a fear of the surgery itself or even the recovery which I hear is pretty brutal – at a gut level the question I have stirring is, what if something were to happen to me?
And obviously you can’t see my eyes filled with tears as I write this… but it paralyzes me. It’s a much deeper pain that I can’t prepare everything for such a situation – and I must not believe God can figure it out either. Both pain me. My fears and my underlying doubts.
When I rationally think about this I can bounce back up and know, this is no big deal. People have surgery every.single.day. I don’t have cancer. I don’t have major risks. I just have three kids that have already lost one mother and I feel like I have to do everything in my power to make sure they don’t lose another one.
Clearly I’m not rational anymore.
Don’t worry. I won’t leave you hanging here.
As I walked into church this morning, longing for an encounter with God, my heart found peace as we sang a song I didn’t even know I liked… reminding me who is the King of my Heart and how good he is. In the bridge the band echoes these words:
You’re never gonna let,
You’re never gonna let me down
With tears falling from my eyes I was reminded of his incredible goodness to my girls – his supernatural provision for things we didn’t even know we needed. (Have you ever read this story about When God Shows Up ?) And as I sang these words I could truly believe that not only is he not going to let me down, he will never let my girls down.
Tonight, as I lay next to each one in their bed, I reminded them that it’s ok to be scared – and then I try to point them back to Jesus. Remember when you were brave before? We can be brave together. Sweet girl, you make me brave.
I’m humbled by God’s goodness to meet me in my own fears so that I’m able to speak truth to the hearts of my little ones. I’m grateful for the ones who have come along side us with offers to help our family, my mother who will be carrying a heavy load these next two weeks and my sweet husband who has his hands full with a lot of ladies.
I’m at peace going into this. I trust God with all the things. I’ve given Daniel a list of all our accounts, passwords and what to do if something happens to me. I’ve even told him who I’ve picked out to help raise the girls… but I need to go on record saying – if he shows up with some Brazilian paddle board chick, that is not who I picked out.
And if I didn’t already feel like I have zero control over my life, mother nature decided to throw a stinking hurricane into our week – one day post-op. If you look at the radar, it clearly says “Abby’s house” on the present course.
Jesus take the wheel.
I’m going to bed. Sweet friends, please pray for my little people. Please pray for my doctor and my body. I kinda need all the things to go right… and the hurricane to turn. No big deal. I’m totally chill.
and I can’t drink wine.
So here’s a song I leave you with… because I need to be reminded.
Much love, from a broken girl.
PS… we’re kinda hoping once these ovaries are gone I’ll stop crying so much. fingers crossed!