I am the definition of a hot mess. Consider yourself warned.
I am surrounded by boxes and chaos. Everything in me longs for safety, stability, settledness – but with each box I pack, I am moving closer to the unknown. Homelessness in a way.
I’ve convinced myself to call this a sabbatical – or a vacation. If I can make myself believe that this is something good then maybe it won’t feel so bad. After all, who would complain about living in a condo on the beach for a couple of months? (slowly raising my hand…)
I recently shared how God came through in the last second in a crazy way and our house sold in about 3 days… right on time to close before our new house is ready. He is so faithful. But our new house… well… it’s not going to be ready. So now this girl is getting to surrender once again to a plan I didn’t have and see just what God might have up his sleeve for this new season.
As I’ve walked through the disappointment of my expectations, I have struggled this week with facing the reality that we are leaving this sweet home that I have loved. This house has been a picture of God’s provision in my life, his grace that held me when days were hard, his warmth that embraced me as tears have fallen from my eyes. This is where I discovered my heart and found God just might have something bigger for me than I could have dreamed.
This is the house where I took my first steps into motherhood then fell into bed in complete exhaustion from days that seemed to last forever and nights that were too short. I remember the van pulling into the driveway that delivered two tiny girls that overflowed with giggles and mouse-like voices that I couldn’t believe were real…. and six short weeks later brought a baby girl who looked almost as scared as me when she arrived. I’ve learned how to make adult decisions here… how to stay in the battle and fight for what’s right… believing at my very core that it’s gonna be worth it.
I feel like we grew up here… Daniel and I… we came here as two selfish people, on the brink of 30 and enjoying an easy life. God gently opened our eyes to the world around us and called us into more… more purpose… more risk… more sacrifice… more love than I could have imagined.
Now here we are, packing up each memory, taking down the pictures, saying goodbye to some of our favorite people, Sunday night yard parties and a biker gang that explodes with cuteness and sass. It feels like we’re leaving part of our heart here. And once again as I step away from what is comfortable, safe and known – into new territory – I am faced with believing this is gonna be worth it. This is what I asked for, after all… more space, more rooms, more bathrooms… a new chapter in this story. So why is it hard?
I don’t know if you know this about me, but I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. I have issues. When I was a little girl and our family moved from the only house I had known, into a much larger, nicer home – after a couple of nights I told my parents I wanted to move back to our old home. Three years ago Daniel and I bought that old home…. 20 years later and I still couldn’t let it go.
When I got married one of the hardest things for me was leaving the safety of my parent’s home… so after a couple of years I convinced Daniel we should move back 😉 My parents still own that home and Lord help me when they ever sell it. So you might say this is the first home I’m actually walking away from… knowing I can’t really come back.
Clearly, I have issues. I like to think of it as a deep sense of loyalty and commitment 🙂
But you know what… I prayed for this…
When we first began the process of preparing to sell this home I started praying for the family that would move in. I wanted it to be a place for a new family to grow, experience love, awaken dreams and welcome life. I want it to be an instrumental part of someone else’s story. I want them to know this house is blessed, it is covered and love lived here.
When I showed the home to the couple that will soon call it their own, I saw the same twinkle in her eye that I felt in mine the first time I walked in. The wanderlust of what it could be… the feeling that this could be my home. And in the midst of the offers, the timeline, the pressure… I kept coming back to this sweet couple and feeling like they were us just 6 years ago. I could imagine life unfolding for them in this home… first steps of motherhood and fatherhood, surprises and lots of love. It just felt right.
So here I am… surrounded by boxes, slowly making progress and trying not to cry, believing that everything that made this house special is going with us. Because it’s not about the house, it’s about the people in it – right?
After all… this next house… I call it the house that love built. And friends, guess what!? There will be room for you too. (If you want a peek at this crazy life.)
I would love for you to pray with us over these next few weeks as we transition. One of my highest priorities is keeping the girls’ lives stable…. but it seems a little hard on this side of things. My incredible husband is making this move as smooth as possible for me and my crazy self. Pray for grace.
And speaking of grace…. I have a long list of thank-you notes that everything in me wants to write… so please don’t give up on me. Your gifts and love have been an incredible blessing to our family – I just haven’t been able to get something to you yet.
Until we meet again … Hugs, kisses, and rainbow wishes!