He held me tightly in his arms, it felt like the first time I had exhaled in 10 days and all I could think was, remember when it was just the two of us and life was easy? Remember when what seemed like mountains now look like molehills in our rear-view? Remember when I thought I had a grip on life?
I showed the house this morning to someone new. It has become part of my daily routine: wake up, get girls dressed and off to school, clean house, work, show house, work, feed family, bathe girls, tuck them in, close my eyes, repeat. Everyone always asks why we are selling… and I always say… because life turned upside down.
She was kind, curious and surprised when I showed her my office. Oh, you work? What do you do? Yes, I work from home. I’m the operations director for a christian non-profit. Of course you are. You adopt children. Of course you work for a non-profit.
All I could do was laugh and think to myself, I didn’t choose this life. I guess you could say – it chose me. I wanted to be a lawyer and wear pencil skirts and fancy shoes. But here I am standing in my back yard with ripped jeans and a 2 year old on my hip, praying she doesn’t tee-tee on me. I thought I would negotiate mergers and acquisitions… instead I negotiate hostage situations among 3 toddlers and bribe with jelly beans to use the potty.
Sometimes I hide in my office and ask God, what in the world were you thinking?
That cute little office my husband built with love, adorned with crystals and splashed with pink… it’s a holy place. God meets me there – over and over again.
It’s where I pray, it’s where I sing, it’s where I do business with God and for God. I feel like I should add something to our real estate listing, “God is near”…. but I don’t wanna freak people out.
This life God chose for me, it is beautiful – I am blessed indeed. But there are days when the weight of adoption, trauma, pain, the unknown and simply feeding people is so heavy I feel like I will crush beneath it. I want to do all things well but I end up doing little even good-enough. I hear the voice that says I will never be enough, I can’t do everything and something has to give.
Do you ever feel like you want to hide? Oh girl, I do. In this past week when everything hit the fan all I wanted to do was pack up my little family, go home and hide. I wanted safety, security, a sense of control and say over my life. I wanted to shut down this story of a girl and pretend my family was built from a different story that doesn’t carry baggage or fear.
But that isn’t what God sees in me. He didn’t choose me for this life so I can hide. Sometimes courage is just showing up in the battle. The thing I’ve found is that when I show up, God shows up even more – and through that, his glory is made known.
I may have cried a little but I’m not hiding. In some ways I’m still waiting for God to show up. In all things I have seen his peace meet me, right where I am. He reminds me that he has chosen me and my ripped jeans to reveal him today. He reminds me that he is my portion and my cup; he makes my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. – Psalm 16:5-6
I might not understand this side of heaven what God sees in me… but I’m trying my best to come through with whatever it is. I feel pretty special being chosen for this crazy part in life… raising three beautiful, funny little ladies along side of one amazing guy… working with people who are passionate about seeing God transform lives and experiencing it myself. I can’t complain… I can only hope he keeps showing up.
Here’s a little taste of what’s playing in my office this week: