If you don’t have a toddler, really, you should go borrow one for a little while. I have a few you can pick from if you need one or three.
I never in my wildest dreams imagined all the things that would come out of my mouth. Here’s glimpse into what my days sound like…
First of all, if you remember that rap song in the 90’s by DMX “Up in Here”… this is the soundtrack of my life right now:
Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind up in here, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me go all out up in here, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me act a fool up in here, up in here
Y’all gon’ make me lose my cool up in here, up in here
And as that swirls in the back of my mind, these are the things I have actually said in the past week:
- No, it is not time to wake up… you have at least 5 more hours before the sun even wakes up!
- You have to wear bottoms, highschool does not mean you don’t wear bottoms. That is a shirt, go put on some shorts, or pants or a skirt. I will not keep having this fight!
- PS… you are not in highschool.
- No, turning 5 does not mean you get your own cell phone
- There is not enough time to watch a movie between our driveway and the church (across the street)
- Please do not eat things you found in your car seat
- People do not drink from dog bowls… that is just for the dog
- I know you want to be in the olympics, really, I do… but flipping your sister out of her chair is not part of the training.
- We do not drink water from a puddle… in the street
- Nana will not come save you from this! This is called a consequence.
- Do you see my wooden spoon?!?!
- I will give you something to cry about. (So this one, I kind-of expected to come out at some point in this life.)
- Two people cannot use the same toilet at the same time!
- Please get your sister’s toothbrush out of your mouth.
- Is this pie in your hair?
- Chewing is what you do with your teeth, swallow is when it goes down your throat. We chew gum. We do not swallow gum.
- I know you are the mommy, but I’m the real mommy, and when she needs to poop it is not your job to clean her up. It’s mine… because, this is obviously what I dreamed of.
- Yes, I realize that is how you count, but one day fiveteen is not going to work for you.
- Your teddy bear does not need baby-powder for her diaper change.
- Please do not suck the jelly out of your pb&j sandwich
- For the Love!
- It is a good thing you are so cute
- I am so sorry a crab named Alan pinched you.
- No, you may not have real coffee… I would not stand a chance if you started that.
- Sugar cubes are not an acceptable breakfast
- We do not dance with poles. Ever. Period.
- Going to jail is not cool… that’s not our goal… haven’t we discussed this before?
- Please, please, please do not ask someone if they are “an old lady”. Mommy cannot handle that. We do not say old lady. You can say, nice lady.
Y’all….. I don’t even have words left to say…